Tomorrow we find out

I haven't tried to run or exercise since Monday. The first 2 days of rest, I have felt every muscle in my body. I mean really even my hair hurt. Every bone, every skin cell just hurt. I can't tell if that was psychosomatic or if I just got inflamed everywhere. Saturday after my limpy attempt to muscle through the pain, I admit I laid in my bed an cried all morning. Monday I tried again, hoping a knee brace was all I needed. I came home, barely sweaty and depressed. I have cried a couple of times but I am not as depressed as I was. I went out in public a couple times in the last week really looking rough. I showed up to work Saturday with puffy swollen eyes. I am now understanding this isn't going to change anything, because now its not my call. I am not a doctor. I gave all of my heart to this endeavor I truly did and I can't do any more than that.
Yesterday you can imagine I was sad. I love Wednesday. I love long day. This was not hard to me it was pure love until I got hurt. My mom kept her standing date with my boys and took them for the day. I went shopping-all.day.long. I didn't want to be home. I don't want to see all my shoes, my gym bag, my water bottles all that crap is taking over my house. After all I did miss 18 miles.  I wandered around observing things, and people and I was quiet. It's good therapy sometimes to just listen to the world, and since I've had kids its just never quiet. I went to stores I hadn't been to in ages, I have only been buying fitness gear this year really. It was like crawling out from under a rock of sorts.
I even went looking for finds at goodwill and salvation army thrift store(kids use up clothing fast). I came across a Pittsburgh Marathon shirt, really, how sadly dissapointing. Someone felt their actual marathon shirt was something they didn't want.....sigh....time to go to the checkout I'm done. If I EVER get my marathon shirt it will never leave the house. Even if it becomes a rag(fat chance) it's staying with me!
I do feel better mentally and physically. I am just floating along like a lump o crap at this point until I meet the doctor tomorrow. I know of the conversation we will have, I am sure it will have to do something with heavy runners and injury. I doubt there is some chance he's rooting for me. I am prepared for whatever.  If its a go I'm rested and ready. If its a stop I will resolve to get stronger and thinner until I can try again. The marathon will remain on the dream list always. I will blog his findings to you my friends tomorrow, I never say it but thank you for following me. I really mean it, anybody in a game does better with people cheering for them.

Song for my Blog Readers: Nothing Left to Loose, Mat Kearney

My name is Amanda, and it has been 12 days since my last awesome.

Well I'm not better. Since the 16miler my knee doesn't like running. I have stretched. I have foam rolled. I got a massage. That was enough to get me through 8 miles super slow paced. Then The next 2 runs have been excrement. I made it 2 miles on Saturday, only one mile for before pain and a walk break. Pretty much the same this morning, I though a brace may help and tried that. It really doesn't help either way.  Something in the leg is angry. I am falling behind in my training. I am going to have to just take deep breaths here and accept I can't change this for the time being. I called a doctor. I have an appointment Friday morning. No running, or exercise until I get the low down. Hopefully I have 9 lives and I can't get shit out of a turnip.
I got a shitload of emotions right now and I have since my problems started. I haven't been talking about it because every time I speak up someone asks me to stop the madness. I am not going to be silent. I feel like I am annoying everyone in my little team circle. I have been boohooing to the Kenyan, Hubby and El for days and I am wearing them out. All of them have been awesome about it, listening, and so forth its just my opinion that I am wearing them out I guess.. I just need to type it out and release it unto the world.
I got fear right now. Fear of not getting to my start line that's been there since I signed up, but it's getting fatter and uglier. Also fear of not running anymore-unspeakable bumming. . I got grief right now too, grief incase I can't get there, grief because I feel like I've failed. I am pretty sad. Sad because I really did enjoy it, and apart from a few love boo-boo's it was never like this.  I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by possibly telling people the race MIGHT be off, especially the ones closest to me. Also overwhelmed at trying to switch my schedule if I can make it, and overwhelmed with trying to pick up the pieces if I can't.  Still trying to be positive, the phrase Never Give UP comes to mind and brings me down lower. I miss the snowy track, I miss feeling invincible even if I was a bulky big person I was running-my dream.
I don't want this to be the end, I know I have sounded pretty down before but its pretty bleak at this point. I haven't smiled during a run for 12 days, I know I'm doing it wrong.

sigh song: Never Say Never, The Fray

A day away

I spent the day after my 8 miler at Kennywood with the kids and my mom and brother.(Hubbs out of town-boo!) It was a good idea. I was initially worried about the plans because its after a long run, but really it didn't make much difference, I guess I can take more than I thought. I put on my old 2160's for the day and my knee loosened up at some point during the day and I forgot about it for a while. I think I am going to run the next run on those and see if they make a difference.
 
The day was rainy but it didn't take away from the kids excitement. They had the best time, even my baby Jude wanted to ride all the kiddie rides with his brother. I pushed the jogger all over the park at least 3 times full of baby. We played games, we had tantrums, we bought crap. I must confess I ate coffee Dip'N Dots- called 40 below Joe, it was and is my reason for being there and coming back. And I sampled some crap food too, I ate potato patch fries- grease sticks, and a deep fried oreo-the fart maker. I got to hear my brother get excited like a kid(rarity) and my mom laugh at me hysterically.

In the family restroom my mom, me, and the kids were all getting changed and taking turns on the pot. I whipped out a travel deodorant while my but was against the door, the kids kept trying to open it and flash Meemaw to the world, I opened it and all the deodorant popped out onto the floor. The laugh my mom let out was priceless. I then picked it up off the floor, said "a marathoner in Kennywood must do what they will" and used it anyway before I flipped it into the trash and missed. Raise an eyebrow if you will but it was HUMID and I spoil easily.

The highlight of the day was actually at the end when I got to take my big kid, Miles on the Log Jammer ride. I had no idea how he would react because I have seen him try to climb out before at Waldemere with Ryan while I watched. What a difference a year makes. I held on to him and I could feel his little heart beating. He was pretty quiet down the first hill then the put both arms up and yelled "THAT'S AWESOME! YES! YES! YES!" When we got out he ran and jumped yelled. So I decided we weren't wet enough, I took him to the other end of the park and we got on the Pittsburgh Plunge twice in the front row. He can't stop talking about it it. It really did make my day, I can't wait until Jude is big enough to ride too.

Fun Song: ABC, Jackson 5

big bottom lip

So I made it through eight. I was worried the whole time. I had to stretch and take a few walk breaks. My pace to me seems terrible. but I made it. Considering going back to my less softer shoes.
Now going to Kennywood to not be bummed all day.
I don't have much to say. Thank goodness everythings still okay, being patient.  Thankful.

Each Tear, Mary J Blige

Testing testing 123

added a new widget....disregard

Rub me

So I got a massage last night. I was super embarassing for me to lay down and let someone else other than hubs take a crack at the dimply vein bags but we are getting into serious territory here, if it will help the pain during the long runs we do it. He spent an entire hour on just my lets and hips and glutes. It hurt appropriately but I walked out feeling better.
I have a lifting work out planned, right now I am feeling sore from the beat down so I will not be going crazy, with 8 miles for tomorrow, but I will at least do arms, back and abs and then I'll test waters with legs.

Attached is a pic from the weekend, I did nada running but Besty decided to skip town and take my nail with her. Delicious I know....at least my beds are still there, my first one I lost is back enough to trim again. 


Lenny Kravis, It Aint Over Til Its Over

Shh-IT band

So I didn't run saturday. I took a rest because my knee although not in constant pain, was still making me aware of it. I wanted to conserve and heal a bit. On sunday, I began my rest induced panic and eventually broke down and asked for help. I consulted my sister in law the therapist- as we read on don't we see the pattern? Ha. I get a little hurt, I don't talk about it, I go nuts, I breakdown and tell her, and she gives me advice. I also consulted my running friends, who are awesome, I am suprised at this stage of the game they even want to talk to me, I am sick of me really. Everyone is so good to me, I really have a good support system. Turns out the knee pain is IT band syndrome. Its from over use but there are things to help it. First I got my foam roller, 20 dollar mega pool noodle of sorts. looks to be a pretty benign P.O.S., that is until you use it. The first time I used it, I almost threw up, that hurts and then when you stand up you feel pretty normal for awhile. Apparently I am so tight I will be spending a lot of time on the glorified noodle. I am reading about all of this garbage still, but I did see this is a runable injury, it just takes care and finesse. I am going to make an appointment for a massage, I need someone to hurt me good and hard. And I will be doing wieght training to get stronger, I have been a little lax about it lately because I keep gaining weight, I am feeling a bit stoopid now, duh.
 I ran today first time since wednesday and my knee. I did 3 very conservative miles. I didn't have my garmin turned on cause the battery died, didn't realize until it was time to take off so I took it for a run for fashion only. I stuck to the track because its pretty flat and that's one thing I read about IT band. I went both ways for the even wear feel. I got a lot of disaproving wrinkly faces- you know there is no posted signs about a direction so get over it! Seriously I will do everything I have to do to prevent pain, so save your energy and go eat some prunes. I felt my knee the whole way but it wasn't a hurting feeling more like a tightness. By the time I completed 3 I felt really good and wanted to keep on going but I felt being conservative is more responsible until I stretch it more and get a massage and read a bit more, after all I am scheduled 8 wednesday.
I am encouraged that this is something manageable.*implied- Serenity Prayer*

Jason Mraz, Sunshine Song