9.

9- I have more toes than that! Deep breaths.

I got my arm warmers in yesterday. I got a pair of Pearl Isumi ones, primarily for awesomeness. I also picked up my shirts yesterday. I picked up mine at the shop and got all goofy and said "that's so awesome!". I meant it too.
I am SO nervous.
So today on the first day of preschool, along with a gym workout for my youngest and I I decided to be busy. Example for your review...


Song for the day: Jamiriquai, Canned Heat

10.

In the countdown! The plan for the day is rest, and hydrate. I don't want to do either. I don't want to be home. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything. This is seriously wicked.
Today mom put a feather extension in my hair, and called it my Tawanda feather, for the race. I guess we could talk about my momma. To describer her in one word, its not possible. I will share a few memories instead. This is just a few that pop into my head, there are tons but we know you all have lives.
As a child I have tons of memories of beautyshops. I understand now it was because she had to work and we had to be around too, but then I just thought that's where I hung out. As a girl it was awesome. I used to get to paint my nails with any color I wanted, and talk with the girls as they got their hair did. My mom was the coolest, and all of my girlfriends thought so. As a tween I came with her almost every Saturday just cause it was fun.
When I was 16 or so my mom encouraged me to have a slumber party with my friends. She was a single lady working hard to take care of me and my bro (14 months apart), but still this was her idea. We ended up with about 20 girls, and my brother. Not only did she let us take over the house, she also provided a case of toilet paper from a bulk store. Not only DID we toilet paper a nearby teacher's house, she helped.
As a college student, I was struggling with bills and school and work. Everyday she would leave me 5 dollars in a bible in her nightstand just in case I needed it.
I was dropped off at her beauty shop at 2pm the day I passed my last nursing final piss drunk and puking. I had gone out to lunch with my class and did Yeager shots to celebrate. I was at a different maturity level then of course at 21 years old. The shop had customers, the restaurant next door had people eating. I took the railing right at the window of the restaurant and puked. Then she helped me to the bathroom floor, and said lovingly "If you did this everyday I'd kick your ass". Then she shut the door and put an 'out of order' sign on the door.  She told the people next door I had the flu, after all it was early afternoon. I roll my eyes as I type this.
When we were planning my wedding there wasn't a ton of money for the reception, but the last week before the wedding she ordered not one but 2 limosines to drive us from the church to the hall as a suprise.
Probably one of my saddest memories was hugging her goodnight on the night before my wedding, my last night at home. Knowing I wasn't a kid anymore and after that night things would change forever, and that there was no way to stop it.
When I had my first baby, I was way too private about everything, and naturally being super overweight nakedness was quiet a phobia, still is. In fact I didn't want any family around when he was born, I just wanted Ryan and I. This of course upset her because she wanted to be there for me but she accepted how independent I needed to be. I remember my first real wave of zinger contractions, I wanted my mom. I never told her that. But I do remember as I got my epidural thinking how I couldn't believe she went through all that for me with no medication because she was afraid it would hurt me. I think that's when I really saw her for the first time, even if she wasn't there with me.
I see my mom all the time. Some times the people closest to us can be the ones that don't get the best of you. We don't always get along, maybe its because its a solid connection that we feel free to bicker. But she has watched my kids every Wednesday since march, put up with my shit, laughed with me,cried with me, all because I felt the need to pin on a race number, and she respected that. You don't have to tell my mom is best, I already know.
 
Mom Jam: Bob Seger, Old Timer Rock and Roll

Earth to Manda....Earth to Manda....

I just published just the title of the blog before I began typing, that's how distracted I am. I am on some other planet. The long run today was okay. My feet and my lungs decided to play nice, my brain was somewhere completely different. I kept loosing my pace, really just drifting off into oblivion.
I started out with an 8/m pace for the first mile-STOOPID. I don't know what I thought I was doing. Every morning I go to the track, some other tool is just getting there in the dark and today my crazy ass thought, I'll be damned if he laps me again. Yeah I got 3/4 of a mile into it before he dusted me. Hes like 2 foot taller, I think I lost all common sense, when he came past I actually dug in and sprinted a few strides before I remembered how short my legs are. I laugh about it as I type it, endorphin overload! I didn't even have the breath to blurt out good morning, he probably thought I was scary and will be adjusting his run times. By the time I was about to pass the truck I slowed to take off my jacket and stuff. By stuff I mean I was dicking around today. I didn't put on my fuel belt until mile 3 when I got my faster laps out of my system. I didn't want to wear it, I hate how fat it makes me feel, and not to mention the rope burn it gives me. I ran a little too fast early on so I had to stop and stretch a few times. Also I had to make 2 porta john stops the innards would not cooperate today. I am not sleeping well, and hold the phone, I am  not eating either. I just don't care. I am not hungry. I am hydrated, but that's about it. So after I stop and put on my belt I took off through the park, I felt like I was dragging my self to keep up with my space cadet mind. I was thinking about all kinda nutty stuff.

I was day dreaming about things that will never happen. Those dreams remain confidential, but I'll tell you they are insane. I obsess too, more than usual about dumb shit.  I would have just kept on plodding along if I wasn't in a taper,  and I mean for like ever. Things I did think of that I'll share: All we are is dust in the wind, wow that's deep. 11 fricken days. I wish my boobs looked better than this, I am getting old. Thank god for rainy days. Wow I almost got hit by a car. I wonder if they will cancel that meeting at work today. I wonder when my arm warmers will get here. I am sad training is almost over. Why is this the only time I feel truly free? I like that the kids like the song Disturbia, its cute. This park is so pretty no matter the season. I wonder when it will snow, I can't wait to get my underarmor cold gear back on its slimming. I am molasses from Kenya. I wish my friends weren't hurt. I am sort of sad. I have so much to be thankful for. Wow the sides of these roads are so washed out. What is god's plan for me? What am I doing here? I wish I could just stay out all day. I am spoiled for getting to do all of this. I bet you I gross out people. What the hell am I thinking? What did I get myself into. I am shy. I talk too much. I really should never stop running. 11 more day of this I and I am going to turn into a monkey throwing poop at the zoo, I need to snap out of it.

Ben Folds, Best Imitation of Myself

festering

12 days and counting. I am not myself. I am clenching my jaw. I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything. I don't have much to say except for I'M FREAKING OUT MAN!
I keep taking deep breaths and sighs trying to relax, I just feel super tense. I am so close...stress is coming out every orafice of my body. That's the facts folks. So if I seem quiet, or not excited I am just panicky quiet to myself. How can I not think about this?
I have been approached a lot more about running lately and I am trying not to seem like I don't want to talk about it, I do but as soon as I start I have stress build up and it shuts my mouth. Its cool everyone around is excited I just wish I could relax and join them.

Let it Be, Carol Woods
(Across the Universe)

There she goes again.

So I was really feeling pretty good about myself this week. I really was. 20 miler demolished, legs intact, planning the rest of the race in my mind, I really WAS feeling good. It only takes one thing to remind me of how to feel bad - ask me when I am going to have my baby that I am not pregnant with.
Really! I was at work, busy, wearing brand new scrubs thinking I was looking pretty good. Then out of now where one of the aids, (not a patient with bad eyes), asked if I was pregnant. I said no, and she said "come on, seriously?", and I said no again, and she said "come on, cause then I'll feel bad".  Well, hope you do then. I don't think I have ever asked someone I hardly knew, let alone a superior at work, something so personal. I didn't have time to get upset but you better believe I became instantly pissy. Well probably on the inside I was, I try not to take my bad mood out on others, that's uncool.

Recounting the events of a very crazy night at work to hubbs today, I got all emotional. Basically the thought process is, I am in the best shape of my life, but I am stuck with all this goo on my abdomen that I haven't been able to get rid of and its frustrating. I have to psych myself up for just about every race to line up with these little skinny winners, and give my little trash talking swagger to cover up my insecurity. That really is something I will always have to work on. And its on my worry to do list for the Marathon too. I have my insecurities and I will have to bury them again once more. It would be so much easier if it wasn't like picking a scab of sorts, it's not even me aggrivating it. I mind my own business, I even dress respectable and someone brings me way down. I guess the hardest part of all this is being a woman through it all. I used to be attractive to the opposite sex, now, exluding hubbs, I am just not. I am not looking for anything, I am happily married, but a long time ago shooting 'em down used to remind me that I was still pretty. Now men stare through me, and young ones call me Ma'am at starbucks even when I am not driving a minivan or toting my adorable kids. I really do have everything I need, a man who loves me, an awesome family, awesome friends, a career, I can run... I am very close to tackling a dream... it all adds into awesome and happy.
I know we have all stared off into the distance and thought about if we waive a magic wand what would happen. I guess making my nasty belly disappear would be one of the first things. Reality shines light on that daydream, it ain't happening. Its expensive, I have way too much to hold up to be that selfish financially, and its dangerous, and there is a ton of reasons why not. The only reason to would be to get rid of it and stop dealing with good intentioned people with diarrhea of the mouth. Most days I am enough of a fighter to just brush it off, maybe even laugh at something so superficial.  Yesterday that was not one of those days. 

Ben Folds, Still Fighting It

16 days and counting...and re couting....again...

I am getting excited, and more nervous. I got my pair of racing shoes today in from Lloyds so tomorrow I can start wearing em in. I did my workout 1hour of elliptical. I fell just fine. I got my massage/beating as asked for. I am doing good. I have all mine little minor booboos and they are all healing up. Sometimes I think after 20.76 miles I should not be saying I feel good, because it doesn't seem possible. Its totally possible, back to business as usual, except for the vast black hole of thinking of all sorts of possibilities with this darn race and planning for it. This is pretty cool. Run at dark thirty tomorrow.

This is a picture of my swollen little piggies 2 days after 20, yes I got my shoes on for my workout amazingly!
Song: SING, My Chemical Romance

Life after 20

So yeah its 20.76, but who's counting. I thought I would write about yesterdays fun experience with recovery from 20. This is not a complaint, its just what happened. I am still a little shocked how fast time has progressed and I have already completed my longest training run, not to mention the race is 17 days away *holyshit*.
So when I got home I made it to the icebath with all of the ice in my freezer and a couple dixie cups and a blue brick. I honestly grunted just about the whole time, my left ass cramped, but the ice felt wonderful on my toes. My left ass is still hurting, I can't wait to explain that one to Nathan, my massage therapist. He's young, and I am old and gross. I can barely look him in the eye at all, I am that shy. I am going to have to answer the What hurts question....with my left ass, fantastic how embarrassing.
I ate a small bit of lasagne, about half a karmelSutra Ben and Jerrys and Some canned soup with crackers. That's the whole day besides GU and a Protien bar in the ice bath, I just couldn't get it in, I felt sick. I still feel a little queasy but I am eating again.
I wore a heavy hoodie and sweat pants with compression socks, all day. I was cold with out them. There a slits in my compression socks for my flip flops.
I watched Spirit of the Marathon on dvd, on my back in bed, with my water bottle under my arm. I cried, it was a good movie. But you know what everything made me cry yesterday. My hubbs called and I cried, for no reason.
I didn't have the kids literally all day, thank you OHMOSTBEAUTIFULMOTHER, but I didn't sleep. When they came home I got down on the floor to dress my kids after their baths, and then I couldn't get back up without assistance. :) The kids were missing me and they crawled all over me and my legs, a test of endurance for sure.
At 7pm I feel asleep for 2 hours and woke up looking for hubbs, he had fallen asleep in our oldest's room, something he does all the time, but I wait 20 minutes and go get him. Sorry honey. After that is was toss and turn all night trying to find a happy place in bed. I finally decided my ass hurt enough for bengay, and then slept on my stomach. At 1 am I woke up with a hot flash, decided I should try and eat something. Karmel Sutra is GONE. Oh Hubbs, how could you do me like that? Haha.Well probably just as well I ate another protien bar and some crackers, and was actually able to go back to sleep, but with minimal clothing on.
Ouchies, I got em. My tail bone again. Chafe there and under my boobs and my waist from my fuel belt. Blisters, which seem minor at this point, on just about every toe. My left ass area, sitting on the toilet HURTS. But sitting on a padded chair is not that bad. My IT band on the right is now making me aware of it. Also my weak ankle on the right is bothering me so I got it wrapped, I think I twisted it yesterday, but not swelling. My toes are super tender, but I'm good. I am actually surprised that's it.
Tomorrow is a new day, I am scheduled for a cross train, probably eliptical as long as my ass is feeling alright. Then I go to the Nathan for a massage so he can hurt me good. Saturday a run, Monday a run, then tues cross train and wednesday only 10miler. I don't know where all this time is going!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eye of The Tiger, Survivor