the short of it.

Nothing like me leaving you hanging on forever....

We Erie was a success. It was really a great race. I have a lot to say but i am still resting up getting my "shit" back together. 

My time 5:28:41 per my chip. I checked the results from the timing services 50 some finished after I did. I shaved a half an hour and did not finish last. Shattering all my expectations really. There will be a couple marathon blogs coming up.

Note after running and getting home onto my bed on sunday around 5pm I called my patients for the next day to schedule. Then after a very short restless night I worked Monday and was on call monday evening. Today I was off but I am the definition of exhausted. Today I got to the grocery store and by the time I pushed my cart up the small grade to my car I realized I had dropped tangerines every few inches. I am sorry to say I littered but I didn't have it in me to go back and pick them up. 

I am just going to spew crap on the key board if I start the recap now. I need another day or two to really absorb all the awesomeness.

Understand I am sore as hell, upright, and still on a runners high.

love to all. blog soon

going off to erie

Here we go kids.  

I should be packing the car. I am freaking out. I just realized I blocked all that "freaking miracle" stuff out this last year. I let it back in. I am overwhelmed with it all again. Now I go with my game face to packet pick up a new girl. I got to the race the same girl as last year. I put freakng miracle back on my shirt this year, I am representing me 365 days ago.   I am shaky today I admit it. But understand.... It's on baby.


love you guys for all your support I take you in my heart with me.

traning completed

I did my last run before this years erie marathon.   I am trying not to get all gushy here but I pulled out the box. What's the box?  it's a shoe box of my shirt from last year i raced in, my number, peices of the race I kept like my foil blanket, and my finish line picture.  I am not wearing that shirt ever again it was meant for that day, but I tried it on. I am wierd I guess I just wanted to see if there was a difference from last year. I know this shirt is a little bigger but I am not seeing this huge difference I am supposed to be seeing. I don' think I ever will I guess. It feels like with all the work I put in it should be huge but maybe it just isn't? But I passed my fingers over all the things from last year I felt were so valuable that I had to save forever and I am a little choked up. I was so disgusted with my finish line picture I never framed it.  I am not the best looking girl ever, and last year I was really ashamed to line up looking the way I did. You ever just realize how brave you were and shudder? I did. I was so close up in it all I just assumed the position I was sensitive about my size but I kept my head up. It's been a whole year now I am actually proud of that girl I was. I hope I can only do her justice this year.
I am ready to start packing for Erie now. Prayerfully meditating about the days to come.

I posted this video last year and took it down 5 minutes later because I was ashamed of my size. This is the last 200 meters of my marathon. I was in pain. I was in shock. I still think about these last few yards and my ears buzz and i get goose bumps. I am ready to post it now.

no time for taper madness.

I am thinking I maybe in the violation of the no whining zone so I am going to make this sound as positive as I can.
The last week at my job was insane complete with my weekend on duty I am just exhausted. I am trying to cultivate this into goodness. Last year I was freaking out every 5 seconds about the race. I was packed like a week before, I was so worried about everything I wasn't really nice to be around. Well now I am so busy with my other commitments in life the time is on warp speed and hasn't slowed for a minute. That's good i guess. I am trying to work on hydration this week and maybe stocking up on my supplies if I get a minute.  I am almost out of foot goop!!! (eucerin cream) It's amazing the difference a year makes.
This morning was my second to last work out before the race. I set out for an easy 3 and it turned into speed work. I just needed to leave everything on hold and really shake it off. I really tried to slow down but my feet didn't get the message. It felt good though. I could of went all day. I guess it's a good idea to wait for sunday. 
I will run one more time Thursday... that's all my life permits, it's okay though I am resting.

I am ready for the race unprepared, packed or whatever, I NEED 26.2 of vacation. I can't wait.

weight today 165 even. 

10days to go

The countdown starts. Today I weigh 168. BOOOOOOO. 
I have gotten down to 159 but it involved a colonscopy and laxatives. But I have been holding 165. I have managed to eat and stress up to 168. I am pissed. At me mainly. I am at the actual best shape of my life- ever. I am a size 8 dress, size 10 jeans, size small or medium workout clothes, I think I am huge lard ass. I need to snap out of this. I know marathon can do this. I knew it would that was one of the reasons I didn't want to do another full for awhile. I am hungry all the time. Why am I not enjoying how far I've come. Now I am not so much dieting but I am watching and recording everything. I am eating whenever I feel hungry but I am pissed off, everywhere I go I have healthy snacks like apples and protien crap but I am ready to stop the maddness! This is the hard part of training for me. I feel like I am undoing everything. BULLSHIT. 
I will get there someday to 155. Probably not by race day. Me and all my extra butts are going to run 26.2. I REFUSE to gain anymore, but again I am not dieting.  I sit here typing this in my 'skinny' pants, this scale has got me upset. I am going to blow a microchip. only because for years I let the mirror lie to me while the scale told the truth. If it's the other way around, muscle/fat argument than whatever I still feel like I have let myself go.

today is a Limp bizkit day. I recommend Break Stuff.

10 more closer to Erie

So yesterday I ran my last double digit training run. A mere 10 miler, it was quite the nasty humid run. I confess to loving it though. The rest of the day I kind of dragged my butt around. Kind of like my brain pulling my fatness around in a rickshaw.
I am in a crunchy mood this weekend. I have several theories as to why that it may be, none I'm sharing but if I was a cartoon there would be little sizzle marks above my head. Somethings bothering me. Probably the taper madness
Something happens when you start to taper down your mileage.
 1. you feel fat. I feel enormus, flabby disgusting and hungry. It's complicated. I didn't think by now I would still be staring down my goal wieght I thought I would have it by now. I wanted to put freaking miracle on my chest again but because I thought there was a big difference, I wanted everyone there if they were there last year to recognize me and see I kept going. Silly I know but it kept me going. Now I am starting to doubt i look much different or even good at all. I feel yucky. Not a freaking much of change so lets just run and forget everything i guess? I have confided in Hubbs, he thinks this is silly and has tried to tell me otherwise....doubt is a side effect of feeling fat.
 2. everything annoys you.  It does I think my house is super disorganized and needs to be scrubbed everywhere. It does, I have been cleaning and organizing but it's becoming a thing that is affecting my comfort at home. It's imperfect everywhere it must be set right or else.
3. you get emotional. I am, probably because endorphin withdrawl, or the fact the dreaded first day of kindergarten is tomorrow.  or because I am old or something. I am secretly bummed trainings almost over. And the other end I am sort of happy too.
4. you turn off all future plans post race.   I have not considered anything after the race yet I am trying to figure out things and it all seems like it may never happen. I have set a clock all to September 16th and up till then I know what I have to do, after that I'm screwed. I think I have a 12 hour work day after the race. You do silly things in your head and say, yeah if I make it with both legs home....
5. you are tired.   I am more tired than I have been all summer. Since the 22miler I don't just drink coffee I exist with it. If you find me anywhere look in my left hand, see it's a coffee cup. I had one at walmart grocery shopping this morning, just like a child has a sippy cup.  It's not froufrou either it's straight up black coffee. At 4 pm it's cold from the pot from the morning. I know it's nasty and necessary.
6. You start shopping like gu and shoes will never be available anywhere.   this is self explanatory.
7. you get stoopid.   explain things slowly to me. don't mind my grammar or typing. I am tired. I am really emotionally and mentally preoccupied. I am not crying or eating right now, give me a free pass okay?  Not to mention I am working a fairly new job that requires most of the brain. I do stupid crap like forget to bring money to daycare, or leave my lights on my car, turn in forms unsigned.  I forget birthdays. I am just really sqeaking by on what is left of the seat of my pants.
8. with 13 days to go you start to get obsessed with what if's.  what if it rains, what if it snows, what if i poop my pants... what if presque isle breaks off and floats away.
9. you become sensitive.   don't criticize me, don't yell near me, i am tired, annoyed fat and stoopid I will probably cry.
10. It's hard to act natural.   I just want to pretend sometimes I am not a running fool in order to take a little panicking break and then someone brings it up. I am excited but I am stressing.  I haven't been bringing it up around people that don't know about it.  And the interesting thing when you get caught with a little teasing about it. You really want to make fun of someone this dedicated? whatever.
11. you get by with a little help from your friends.  I went to church by myself saturday night, and I had communion. I am glad I had a chance to get it before the race. It seems silly but this is some serious shit. I know that. I know god is with me all the time. But it makes a difference to me. I feel renewed and ready now.  Please keep me in your prayers, I know I can go the distance but you really do so much better with you friends holding you up.
12. you strangle yourself to not do math. I promised myself I wouldn't calculate my pace and give myself an expected finish time. It creates panic. I am not pacing myself. I don't really even want my garmin with me. I will take my garmin but I will NOT do the math. I worked too hard to ignore it. I really want too see the difference in time this year but I am wanting to settle in and really enjoy the race, and make that time a sweeter finish line. The only spoiler alert I will give is that it will be better than 5:58:50 this year.

 Race is 13 days from today and I am already ansty as hell. Please be kind to me I am just trying to clip clop on by until it's time to line up Sunday morning 9-16-12.

Alex Clare, Too Close

the 22 kind of tired.

Yesterday I reached the peak of my training goal. The 22 miler. Even I thought maybe that was pushing it but happy to say here I am on the other end in the first day of my taper. On my porch blogging as I entertain the misquitos with my blood. I am too tired to get up.
Yesterday I got up at 5 am ready to conquere this task. And it's the end of summer and I spent a good hour and a half waiting for sunrise, I should have maybe slept in a hour but I didn't.
 I got to the track, first one as usual every saturday this summer. It's a little chilly but i can tell it's going to be a nice day. I called mom before I got out of the truck, I was worried about something. She assures me to get going. I get ready and tell myself to focus. It's not hard to get a runner going for something this worked for but I will admit the worrier in me is hard to carry along. I focused on my music. I hate to skip right to mile 10 but I literally struggled to settle down the whole time. At one point a certain song on my MP3 player actually made me cry. I just kept running, crying, snotting everywhere trying to find  a reason to not run in the other direction in panic mode. I just kept telling myself this was part of training, to endure, to go on, and to CHILL THE HELL OUT.
 At mile 11 my stomach got nervous too, and I had to take a dump. When your stomach does yoga you stop thinking so much. You start to concentrate on your continence. Disclaimer: we are going to toilet humor...stand down. I finally then decided not pooping my pants was more important than worrying and I finally dropped mindfreakmanda off near the pottys and vowed to pick her back up when I was done. Finally a portajohn I yell at myself this  is a horrible long run I am not going to make it. I hop in and hop directly out. Ewwww. Yep not happening. I go running across a field cheeks clenched praying to making it to the latrines.  This poses issues. Porta John is a single stall with a locking door. Latrine is not its a hallway with two about 12 feet deep holes in the ground with a toilet seat on them. Someone could definitely walk in on 12 miles of pent up frustration.  It's not a pretty site. It's a sweat women in full marathon dork gear. In a hover squat with a fuel belt out of breath and taking a 12 feet drop poop. I can imagine it would sound like a discus thrower tossing rotten tomatoes into a cement wall. At the times I am forced to use bathrooms in this manor I am always grossed out and can't wait for a shower. It's also funny, I am aware. I am going to laugh about these character building experiences  After I got myself back together I continued on. For about 2 miles or so I was thinking Oh garbage I will have to go all day, but I settled down and didn't have to make any more trips to the nasty holes.
There isn't much to say about the second half except I really enjoyed it. Honest. Something clicked and I smiled. I enjoyed the day. I would run playing crazy thoughts as I usually do. I would run around the massive horse turd and think yep horse turds still there. Then I would run over the bridge up the hill and back again step over a dead mouse baby and think oh it's a fetus with diabetus, poor fetus. I ran past/over it 4 times thought it everytime. I makeup funny little names for people at the track. I don't know them by name but I sure look at them enough to know them. Theres Champ he's there every Saturday, a personal favorite. Then there's dog in a stroller lady. Then there is the white Jamacian runner, she is always there she is uber fast.  There is Ma and Pa poodle walkers. And my not so favorite Jean Nate' herself. I don't like running past her ever. There is a time a place for perfume, that's just not it. The park maintenance guys in red trucks, Haus, Huckleberry, Gumboliath, and Larry the maintenance guy. They see me and they look weird at  me every time cause I see them more than once like at every shelter hours and hours, I know they think I must look just like me. They do a good job, they even got rid of the massive horse turds before I ran through the last time, I appreciate their service especially since they clean the latrines that I often um visit.
The last 18 I was still going pretty well, just getting tired and taking dumb walk breaks. I decided to pull on the company of others. I talked with a nice girl for a quarter mile and it was fantastic I really appreciated her company. I carried on when she left. Then at mile 20 I started stupid walking again. Some poor guy trotting along I pretty much begging him to pace me. He was really nice about it, his name was Ken I told him what I was going for and he stayed with me. I told him to go on after a while but he told me it was okay that it was nice to talk to someone he didn't have ear buds in I can imagine that would be true it can get old listening to nothing. I soon realized I was going faster than I thought I could go at the end of 21. I slowed and waived him on told him I needed a quick drink and walk. He slowed down ahead of me. Somehow I decided the last quarter mile I was going stark raving mad and decided I should pass him and then try to race him. I think he let me win. When I pushed stop on my garmin he asked to see the distance for proof. I got a DANG and he kept on. I really appreciate the help I am usually not social, dehydration will do that to you.  I even let out a OH YEAH. for people to hear. I told him I won't believe this when I remember it but I am kind of tired.
I finished up ate some food and rested before I drove home.  I didn't feel awful or like my legs were falling apart. Just happy and tired, and glad I got over myself.
So much has happened in the last few weeks. I have had to concentrate on new developments, tragedies of friends and work, I have a hard time feeling like myself. And there is the whole my babies are growing up kindergarten and preschool and this is the last week of mommy and her boys on my days off. Yesterday I felt like me, I miss her.
I am surprised at how well I am doing physically this year. I find I don't know the secret but it's all coming along. It's a good thing, I need it to be my good thing.  I am aware my running is starting to be a reason to make fun of me. It's okay  really I love that it's becoming the way people associate me and not the chubby girl. I would rather be the crazy runner girl please and thank you if you wonder if it bothers me no, but I have been sharing less and less because I am aware that I am a "freak". I continue to be the happ happ happiest freak I know, jokes on you. :)


Get Over It, by Ok Go (at it to your workout playlist)