I have never been cool

Sometimes you just can't be graceful. I am rarely graceful at all in fact. As I struggle to adjust into my new position as working mom and now full time employee, I am anything but graceful. I am feeling a little out of place. Actually I feel garbage-esc. I mean I had a bad day, things really have actually been busy but going really well, I am en-route to happy routine land.

 I think a positive list would do me some good. An Amanda is good enough smart enough and doggonit people like her list of attributes... get ready for cheesy nerdiness.

Deep thoughts, By Amanda
1. I am a cool mom. I go camping, I am going to a monster truck show, I carry a matchbox car in every purse and or coat of mine, I think fart jokes are okay and welcome in appropriate company, me and hubbs do a mean beat box version of ChicaChica Boom Boom at bedtime too.
2. I am a scrappy old gal. I do not easily give up. I get knocked down, I get emotional, I whine, but I will not go away.
3. I am hilarious.
4. I try to dance to my own beat. Sometimes I get a little lonely out in left field but I love being original.
5. I am a fantastic friend, good chance I have been praying for you.
6. 23-25% body fat and dropping. yeah. working on it just like brushing my teeth its routine for health.
7. I can run circles around you. Really I get up a 4 every other day I get up at 5. If I am not working out i get up at 5 and  I still pack 4 lunches, dress 3 people and commute 2 kids to 2 different places, and myself to work and then I do it again afterward and I still cook and we rarely eat out. I fall asleep right after the kids usually.
8. I have marathon in the blood. I don't like to flash my crazy to everyone now, but if anyone can see passion in that, then you understand.
9. I would do anything for my kids. ANYTHING.
10. I am ridiculous, this is hard to make a nice list and not insult myself on each line too. I can't take a compliment.
11. I blog when I feel like a dork. like right now, why I think it is some sort of magic crap storm umbrella I will never know. Oddly enough I go back and read and I still think I am a dork....
12. I have never met ice cream I didn't like.
13. I can sing. I really haven't in public for years. But I can, some how I got shy. I have always liked musicals, it's not easy to duplicate any excitement relayed through real live people lifting their voices together.
14. I worry about everything. Even if I am wearing my clothes in proper rotation. The older I get the more of the freak I do.
15. I am a tomboy. Really don't like frou frou things and lacey crap. I will wear pink but don't think for a second I picked it out, or that when I first moved in with girl roomates in college I new how to curl my eyelashes or what an eyelash curler was. Daughter of a beautician....I know see #10.
16. I am a fantastic dancer. 2 step? no. square dance? hello-no. I mean club dancing, it's no talent really but I got moves.
17. I can do oragami. Only a crane, but I am really stinking good at them.
18. I can't hold my liquor. 2 drinks, and the tank is full.
19. I wanted to be Mary Lou Retton when I was 7, until I fell on the balance beam and caught myself with my crotch.
20. I actually like myself for the first time really ever. Maybe not today especially after the series of events that have played out, but I am happy, I like who I am, and I am in a good spot right now.

okay maybe that ought a do it, tomorrows a new day, the good thing is we all wake up and get to start over. Here's to tomorrow, lets make it a good one, better than today!!!

Happy Groundhog day!!!!

So you are looking at last saturday morning. I couldn't wait until it warmed up later, it had just snowed and it was 20 degrees maybe. It was beautiful I was all alone at the track, I adore running in the snow, this was like a sand consistency it was hard to keep steady and I kicked both of my inner ankles with the opposite foot. Righty doesn't look too bad now, but Lefty is still turning all sorts of pretty colors,(this is a seven day later picture). I am still running on them, they don't hurt just when i brush over them with my hands. Glad there is no reason for shorts or dresses right now my ankles are oogly.
Hows it going? Still narrowing down a marathon to sign up for. Considering a harder, hilly one that has a 6 hour limit... not sure either that or a small city, still mulling it over. Work is going well, I love it there. Home is kinda overwhelming though. I have to say I am praying for grace to get used to the new routine, its coming its not there yet. Right now I just kinda feel like really weird, not good not bad, just kinda there. I signed the kids up for a new daycare this week, that was emotionally difficult for me because I was worried about the effect of more change on them, turns out I'm the one with the problem. Since when did my kids get so damn resilient? Go figure. 

My youngest's fav jam:  Wobble, by V.I.C. ( that's good parenting there!)

The last sippy cup.

I have been holding in some serious emotions lately, I have some free time today and I am about to spew it all over the keyboard. Stand down people. Not a mush fan click away from this one.

I start a new full time job Tuesday. I am going to work in an office. I am really excited about the position actually finally something I really want to do. For the last 6 years every job I have selected has been child/mommy minded and not really completely my professional choice. This opportunity has presented itself, pretty much found me, and I have no choice but to accept. This means I have grown as a person and a mother. Even last year at this time this would have been unspeakable. It's been creeping up on its own. I have been bored. (ouch that's hard for me to admit because that means I wasn't the perfect mom or donna reed-ish housewife- wince through the teeth). If you read back though, last year at this time I got a puppy, um can you say bored an glutton for punishment? Thats a third dog, even I knew I needed something else. I let it stew for a long time but I have been ready to go back to work and really throw myself in, but I was totally unable to explain it to myself.

This year I sent my first to kindergarten and my second and last to daycare. This week the second has started fulltime at daycare. It's not going too super at this point. This morning was dramatic, I cried on the way home. I am not working today, but I am trying to get him used to this. Naturally I am a mess and I feel guilt. He needs to adjust to this just as I will too. I got home and started my crazy cleaning as I do on the rare instances that I am home alone with myself. I was doing the dishes and noticed way back in my cupboard something blue. I reached my whole arm back on my tip toes and pulled out a first stage sippy cup. The tiny kind with 2 handles. It was Judes. We don't use those anymore. The boys sit at the table and drink from a cup now, I thought I pitched them all. I picked it up and cried, hard. Not a good day to find this thing and then place it in the garbage. I looked at the calendar, I don't have any extra hormones.... in case you are wondering....hubbs.... I just really love them. The last few years have been an honor to be their mom, and as the path winds around the bend and turns up hill I know I am still being their mom and it has just gotten slightly more difficult temporarily.

The good thing about up hills, they make you feel alive at the top.
Through the next few weeks I resolve to smile and not wallow too much. It's time for this. But today I pitched the last of the last sippy cups and I am feeling it.

that funny squeaky noise.

That would be my lungs folks.   I continue to hack like no tomorrow.  It's really annoying. Stupid even. I did go to the gym in the brief one  day I had of breathing. The next day I went to work, every visit except for one had a cat or a smoker. At stop #3 the perfume in the home was so thick I could barely stand after my inhaler kicked in. I muddled through somehow, choking and gaggy. That night I took a benadryl and showered as soon as I got home. My tongue felt itchy like it was growing cat hair. We went on a date that evening and I hacked all night. Sorry honey I can't kiss you I have to make a hocker. I have only gotten worse, now dependent on my nebs and shaking like a leaf again. DAMN IT. I am going to let all these easy obtained workout days slip down the drain because I have no lungs it depresses me. Some days it's all I can do to get to and from work and a workout is wanted but can't be done due to schedules or kids or child care. This past two weeks it would have been so damn easy to go anytime I wanted and I have been just sitting here frustrating.

I feel flabby and gross all over. My strong body is turning into a nasty dimple. Probably not but I feel that way. I got some new uniforms the other day I fear I will be too fat for by the time I wear them.  I am grumpy.

Dear Lord please let the snow you sent cleanse us all from the nasty viruses and germs we have. Be with all of us as we take deep breaths. Sent us strength for all the sick people and all the people taking care of the sick people that have to deal with grumpy poopy attitudes. Send summer soon because I miss happy kids, running, my tan and my flip flops. In your name, Amen.

a long december

I am not just being a shameless Counting Crows fan it has been. I am never been so sick in recent history. I know I whine about illness because it stops the endorphin train because I must rest and I have become dependent on this usually but I willing rested until today. I was so sick I faithfully took all the medications I loathe even my singulair that makes me pee my pants and worry at lot more than I like. Breathing is more important sometimes. Through all this I missed 3 days of work, and my son's Christmas pageant at school. I worked the day after my marathon for 12 hours, this girl doesn't do sick and helpless. I thought I may have to be put in the hospital a few days it was terrible. The boys both struggled with illness too it was the real deal and I haven't protested I have submitted and did everything I was told.
I am sort of feeling better and getting antsy. I am going back to the gym but I doubt it will be running. How much fun would it be if I hacked up a lung in public? Low impact at least I am waiting for hubbs to finished plowing our driveway so I can bust out the door. Happy for small victories.


I've had some interesting professional developments that I will sharing soon. I am pretty excited and a tiny bit sad too. Its time to go back to work full time. A change in our family that has gradually been happening all year and its time to rip the bandaid off. I have faith that I can make it through this and achieve balance but I have put on the blinders for one day at a time because I know I'm a huge freak and I will not let myself ruin months of my life until I relax. I am not even sharing it all yet, baby steps....
This year New Years Eve ends a chapter in my life, and Next year 2013 will be new and exciting. I set out for peace, and balance, somehow I feel it may actually happen.

days off down the drain

So I am still sick. Better, improving daily now medicated. I spent a lot of time laying around. I barely got through what I needed to recently just everything ran me over. Literally Wednesday I got hit with a bus of some sort and I am just now coming to. I tried to down play this reading back I am just a stubborn ass, why do I think I need to blog about it? Must have been delirous. I am Nebulizing I am prednisoning and I am antibioticing. We even had the added treat of having a child to the ER this weekend with 105 fever for an ear infection. The older one, not the younger one!(happy to say fevers down and we are happy again!) I have not worked since last Wednesday and I am not even caught up. Just working on breathing and keeping my brood well. Pretty much survivial. Seems fitting of a December in the life of Manda. I highly doubt a run takes place from now until after Christmas. It is 7 days left until Christmas and I am not feeling at all prepared. I work 5 day stretch leading up so I am just kinda floundering here.  Praying to get a low kitty low indoor smoking load of visits, so it doesn't undo everything I have been trying to get back with the breathing.
 I don't think I will get around to making a holiday card this year, I promise hugs on demand in return. Stop me say I am cashing in my Christmas card IOweU and I will give you a full contact squeeze. Be careful what you wish for it we are at the gym though!!!
It has been a week since my last workout. It will be even longer before I even get in my running shoes. I am cool with it.  I have a lot to be thankful for, I will get over it.

What do I want for Christmas?
1 to get my family better
2 to get better myself
3 for people to stop being so crazy in this world
4 for my interesting stuff to go well.
5 a new garmin that doesn't look like a 37 inch tv. that would be kewl.
6 to finish my shopping and wrapping before the holiday....
7 to see my kids have a great day. they are so excited, I don't care if I get a thing I want them to be blown away.
8 hoping for a good work day, yep i work eve, and day and day after. :(
9 of course my goal weight. check in this morning 160 even
10 i want my groceries to buy themselves, put themselves away, and cook themselves.
11 I want my whole family to see how much they should love each other.
12 my beetle has some paint chips that I want to dissapere.....
13 i would like a little more boobs than i have
14 i would like to give back that wrinkle I got this year.
15 for GOD to be with all my patients, especially my shut ins that won't go celebrate due to health issues, some dealing with losses I can't even picture, I hope I pain is less and Christmas is peaceful for them.
16 to stop having so much boogers! holy crap I don't know how many tissues I used in the course of a week but its astronomical really. I won't know how to act.
17 for my friends to know how much I apprieciate them. Really. I have some really generous buddies and I love them. I would hope to return the favor for all of them.  Manda's got your back hit me up.

Seething petri dish

Update to last blog, I didn't want to whine so I didn't say anything about the fever I had last week. I didn't mention it, and or the next day running 7 miles with my Sis and Bro in law because they were in town and wanted to run with me. I knew I was doing something stupid, I did it any way. On Friday my oldest got sick and stayed sick until today, it's his first day back to school. Now since wednesday my youngest is sick. And today I sound a dying swan. I am completely hoarse. I can't talk at all and I have a slight fever. I knew better than to do that last week, let alone  I worked out hard 4 days last week and once or twice this week.  It's just too tempting when hubbs is in town because I don't have to bring the boys with me everywhere, it never happens except in December, and every fricken month 12 since I started working out I have been sick as hell. It also seems like at work every patient has 18 cats and smokes indoors I have been weezering more than normal even before I took to wounded animal voice .
 I really don't want to go to the doctors right now, for the reason  I don't want to admit I am an ass and wasn't taking care of myself. I will admit it here, I'm sick this time because I didn't give myself enough time to recover, and I am an ass. We runners play too hard sometimes.
 Time to shut up, rest, and dust of the nebulizer. I really don't like using it. I feel certain medications make me more hyper. The first time I ever got a neb it was at convenient care in walmart a few years ago I turned bright red, started shaking a little and felt like I could climb the walls like spiderman. I avoid those at all costs, they can't always be avoided. Also over the counter medications do that to me too, namely Sudafed. I am sick as a dog and suddenly my headache is gone and I want to go paint the house. So I guess it's good I can't really speak at all because I tend to blab on and on when on the phone to my poor friends.
I am grounded for a few days. I have to finish Christmas shopping but I am too tired. I also found out my nice suit is huge. I am going to have to force myself to shop, I need it next week for something interesting. If I don't it could prove dangerous, I could loose a skirt and everyone would go blind from the light of the moon. Not happening, good problem to have, imperfect timing of course. Anyone want to push me around in a stroller while I shop? Eh could be worse, I am actually in a pretty good mood.
So that's the view from here, germs, bedhead, sweats, dying swan, baggy clothes, and watching Toy Story for the 80 thousandth time with an even snottier set of tiny nostrils.