What am I going to do?

To bring everyone up to speed my goal weight, given to me by a dietician after taking in my height and weight history, was determined years ago at 155. I have been looming about 10 pounds away for about 6 months. It's been frustrating to say the very least. Saturday morning I hit 156. I have been eating all day long for the last week, and allowing myself what ever I wanted after being sick. It's been nice to actually be hungry, so you can imagine my shock to see that scale.
This brings me to this blog I am pretty darn close. This has been 4 years almost, why now? I don't know how I will process all of this. I mean I KNEW I could run a marathon and finish, but I really still don't KNOW I will make my goal wieght. The scale has always been  my mortal enemy.(and it's ugly cousin the mirror)
I don't think I am ready for this. I am a grown woman of 32 years, a wife of 10 years, a mother of 2, a college graduate, marathon runner, but I am afraid of my scale. I kill spiders when there is no man around, I am fearless! But, I admit, I am scared.
 I don't know ........what I will do.

Getting lost!

I finally feel better. This morning I had planned to run a 10 miler to get myself back in the running for my half marathon. (Yesterday was so busy I didn't come home from 930 am until 9 pm at night. ) There was one little snag, the Maple Syrup Festival has clogged up my running route with dangerous traffic of maple syrup revelers, so I opted to run in my neighborhood. My hood is hilly and the roads not the best graded, it's not bad for short runs for long runs it's complicated, high traffic and hilly. I ran my first 5 miles in a loop to town and back, I stopped at home and refilled my bottles on my belt. I didn't add any extra gu, because according to my recent fueling habits I would have only needed on more to finish 5 more miles, and I had another 20 ounces on my belt of liquid - no biggie.
 I said to my hubbs at halfway, I think I am going to turn left onto shenango and just see where it takes me. He said to me "There is really no side of the road there, be careful". I tell him I am fine, I have my trail shoes on so I can run in the grass if I have to. So off I go back to the road and I hung a left like I planned to. I got so far and I realized hubbs was right. This was a horrible windy mountain type road and I was running down it and I was praying that I wouldn't get hit as I descended to the bottom, it was a rock wall on the one side and a steep cliff with a puny guard rail on the other. At some point I realized this is about 1 mile straight down and I think it would be in my best interest to turn back, but the safety quality of this road, with super poor pedestrian visibility I decided I should keep going and see how the road turns out. I am not super familiar with these back roads, I haven't lived here long, hubbs grew up here but I didn't, in my ignorance I neglected to listen to him. So when I started passing horses and got in long stretches of super uphill country I started to freak out. I stretched out my water so I would be sure not to run out. I only had one more GU, and civilization seemed pretty far away. I look at the Garmin. I am 7 miles in, I remind myself I am fine, It will be okay. I keep going, wow whatever road that was, it was uphill. I couldn't help but feel really stupid at this point, I took a chance but I was ill prepared, I should have known better I just got over some horrible sickness, and I didn't really have time to eat and drink enough yesterday either so here I am in the middle of nowhere, lost, and I am started to feel sick. Sick meaning crampy and the beginning stages of runners tummy. Cars were whizzing past me, I started talking to myself. I am going to get hit by a car and someone will find my dead with poop in my pants....just great....find a happy place....this really is uphill the whole way.....why isn't there a lemonade stand nearby?....I missed the park big time today.
Finally I came out in civilization, it just happened to be really far from my house, by the local high school actually. I eventually got to where I needed to be and passed up a convenience store, I had money for just that and somehow my dehydrated pea of a brain thought I could muscle through the last 3 miles since I was feeling pretty good at that point. So I made it a mile away from town and the store and started to hate myself for not stopping. I look at my garmin I have now gone 12 miles. I have now started to feel achy in my calves. I have done this before. Last year I decided I didn't need to take my fuel belt and I ended up with runners poops and leg cramps, I knew what was happening. Now I start to think wow you really are stupid, you knew this would happened and you blew it off. I made it another half a mile an I started walking because I had to. The cramps in my calves were so bad I started to worry I wasn't going to be able to walk. If you have ever had the pleasure of waking up in the middle of the night with a charley horse, that is exactly what this was just both legs.
 I start cussing myself out at this point. I am trying to think of brilliant short cuts throught he woods, I decided that was stupid I would just end up with a tick and then no one would find me. By the time I got to the house I was a twisted mess. I downed some coconut waters and  sodium bicarb tabs and hit the icebath for the first time this year. The cramps were so rough I was grunting, but it stopped in about 5 minutes. Today I experienced a first, I atually had to eat while showering. It was a must..
 I feel fine now just tired. I can't believe I was so shocked to find the threshold is still there, you have to play by the rules with distance running and I forgot and I got my ass handed to me. Distance running is great for humbling you. You have to be prepared and you cannot cut corners. Message received, lesson learned. Not bad for my first 'bad run' in a long long time, but I am aware I got lucky and this could have gotten way uglier, I need to find a way to bring a phone with me or somekind of batsignal.
I  need to learn to slow down. I have been doing the freak about being so busy I am starting to let things fling past me. If I would just calm down I wouldn't be acting like such a windowlicker. So my goal right now is to pray. Pray for calm. Pray for grace. Pray to settle down. It's not all a race, tomorrow will take care of itself. I am trying for peace now. I predicted I would be a freak in January, I am trying not to be, but I am feeling spaziod. 13 miles done today, only planned for 10.

As my cloud lifts.

It happens to be Easter. I happen to be in my house 5 feet from a toilet, alone. Bummer I know. The family is out doing family gatherings and I am trying not to poop myself.  I have been soooooooooo sick. I really didn't understand what was happening at all either until it was on top of me. I had missed my training last weekend and I have this weekend too. I haven't done much of anything. I had a soul crunching headache, which is obviously dissipating because the light from the screen has not blown my head off. This will make my 4th straight day in bed, if you count Thursday right after work. I even had a trip to the E.R. It's making its way out of my body along with the rest of the evils. Unfortunate it's going to leave the way most things leave the body, southern exit. 
Trying not to soil myself at this point while watching snl reruns, Gibbs brothers talk show skit in particular. Trying to to think too much about the looming marathon in 1 month I have missed 2 weeks of workouts for.  Or that Soccer is starting and I have no idea when my kids practice is. Or that we need a washing machine which the multiple illnessi in our family has delayed purchasing, or my baby turning 4 Wednesday with all his unwrapped presents in the back of my car. or ....orr....or.... Nope scratch that right now, just doing clenched giggling. Thanking god my head feels better.
fyi, when your washing machine breaks NEVER say great just our luck now someones going to get the flu. It will will it. It's science.
Happy Easter Friends.

James 4.10

Reading the past posts! As I go back and randomly view my posts I am really surprised to remember the stuff I posted!   It's kinda like bringing a junior high year book photo out and thinking oh wow look at what a dork I was! I'm still a crazy girl but even I am surprised by my somewhat psychotic rants. I have covered pretty much everything from peeing my pants, vomiting, pooping in all places, mucous, and whined about everything. I read it and think wow that girl is weird, oh yeah that's me!
 
It's the 2 year anniversary today of the infamous paper article. It was something that made me change as a person. I admit at first I wasn't super happy I did that,  but it has opened up so many doors in my life. I learned there is freedom in being honest, even if you have to be honest with the entire world in a diary to stay that way. It has set me free. I maybe a simpleton that has no filter but you can be sure it's the real deal and I will tell you when I am f.o.s.  Am I embarrassed I was in the paper? Sometimes. Would I change it now? Never ever.  James 4:10.

In true anniversary spirit hubbs and I have gone to the spread sheet for a total progress.( It has been one year and one week since my last measurement)
This weeks lowest weight 159
Total pounds lost  139 lbs
Total inches lost 112.25 inches

Above photo April 2, 2009, day before we got Jude. Yes I know I was pregnant, but we know I could have been the size of 2 full term women, they don't make maternity clothing in that size. Heaviest weight up top. Down below current lowest. I continue to try for my goal.

onward.

BEAVER FALLS!

Oh lately I just really need a helmet so I don't hurt myself.

Just as I sit here my obese wiener dog was whining to get up on the bed(she's too fat to jump) and I yelled "BEAVER FALLS!" because I was addressing my sons' birthday invites at the same time. Her name is squeaker. I was trying to yell "shut up squeaker" in the most loving way possible.


I went shopping Saturday with my Sunroof open for and I kept thinking wow why is it so bright?, oh yeah the sun....brilliant.  I was wearing my ripped jeans, got them caught on my car and reallllly ripped them. :( I am sewing those they are my favorites! I actually yelled for all to hear POOPBALLS>! Whatevers!   

It seems like every time I get to the grocery store I completely forget how to cook. I give up and leave before I have everything because I just don't give a crap anymore by the time the walmart people start to annoy me. I must have been there 10 minutes this week before I just decided, eh I can't handle this today. What the hell is wrong with people that feel that it is a mad dash on a Sunday at 5pm? Did you really need to elbow check my boob for those crackers?? Or my other favorite kind of people, 'the road blockers' you know they are in the way, you know it, and eventually you sigh and turn around and make a big loop to the other end of the isle because they are reading some meaningful novel on the side of a fruit snacks box. This was the first warm day of the year pretty much and I smelled it in there too, really people they sell soap and deodorant, BUY SOME. Do I think I smell wonderful? No actually I have a quite a manish scent sometimes but I try and shower at least once a weekend. It's enough to make you run for the hills when shopping for food and already feel pretty irritable, when you've already been kinda irritable anyways. Nobody wants armpit pizza, just saying. (wait this blog is supposed to be about my issues...it still is...I have no point, that's about me too.)

This week I think I am running a 10er. I am not extra tired, infact I got up at 4am this morning, like I do (note daylight savings) I felt okay. Okay so maybe not physically tired but my brain has decided that is only going to handle major things lately. I am just going to smile and laugh at myself because that's all I can do.    

Have a lovely week, I know I will. Onward.

I still feel funky.

That I do.
 I feel like never speaking again today.
Why I am I blogging?
 No idea.

I am my own walking contradiction.

Well I said I didn't want to sign up for anything right now. Anyone who has read one or two posts knows I am full of shit. We I haven't signed up for any fall marathon yet so that much is true. But I am training for something now. I signed up for the Pittsburgh half marathon 5-5-13. An opportunity presented itself and I decided to do it. I feel lost right now. Still. My family is adjusting to mom the 9-5er. I think I am too but I just don't feel like me. I may be a little depressed about something, but I have no reason to be really. Things are good just feeling less graceful and a little more rough than usual.  I figure this race training will help that. Maybe kinda like a comfort. Even if I loathe crowded areas, and I didn't really want to do a city race, I think I feel a little better already. It's silly but stuff like this can have the same effect on me, as a toy would to a child. I have a weird passion and few share it with me, on this day I will be with shitloads of them running with me and I will fit right in instead of being an oddball like my normal day to day. I am getting mildly excited.

So little miss not training for anything right now has a huge city half marathon in 9 weeks and is starting to smile at being her own walking contradiction.

Tomorrow is 7 maybe 8 miler. I will remind yinzers this will be my first half marathon....I haven't one accomplished yet, only fulls.

onward!