Lately

So this week I haven't done much yet. I have only run once since the race. Last Friday. I am feeling a little more of what I did to myself. I am getting back to normal slowly. I had a massage Monday, then last night I went to body combat. I had a good time at the class but I still felt really tired during and weak.
I am trying to manange my post race blues, cause I got em. I miss Wednesday long days sooooo much. So yesterday I signed up for the Pittsburgh Half Marathon in May. Its not a full 26.2 but its what I will be able to handle this year. Our family keeps changing. My big boy will be probably starting some activity, and my little boy will be potty training, both require more of me and my time. I am excited about it because most of my running pals are running it too. I think its going to be fun!
I am trying to improve on myself before training ramps up again: I am trying not to slack on my diet. I am scaling down my consumption of calories until I start slamming out 10 milers again. I am adding more classes to my workout schedule, hanging at the gym more. I am also trying to improve my skin care. DAMN =>I have acne now. Those long runs do nothing for your complexion. Yesterday I discovered an ear zit. It hurt and there was no way of getting to it, probably from having my ear buds in. NASTY. So anyone got skin care tips? I feel like I am taking a lap back through puberty. I need to do some shopping soon for gear too. I am in the market for a new sports bra, the marathon killed my favorite one. I might try a new brand of shoes next time I swing by Lloyds too. I can't help but notice most of my gear even when clean still stinks a little, I want to try and figure out a solution to that also. I am so shopping for cheesy 26.2 crap too. My minivan needs a sticker and so does my truck and I need a cheesy T shirt for sheez.

In my non running part of life I am trying to improve too. I am cleaning every room in my house ceiling to floor. It needs it, I learned to step over that stuff this summer. I am suddenly noticing the dustbunnies that I told myself were invisible this summer. Rearranging and reorganizing little by little. Time marches on, and my kids are getting bigger too, we'll be discovering new things this year.

I can't help to feel a little bit lost right now. But I'm working on it.

wah wah song: James Blunt, Goodbye My Lover

My Marathon Playlist

In exact order these are the songs I ran my marathon with:

Not Afraid, Eminem
Gonna Fly Now(John X Remix), The Best of Rocky*
Somebody to Love, Queen
Hey Ya!, Outkast
Closer to the Edge, 30 Seconds to Mars
Sing, My Chemical Romance
Magic, B.O.B.
Dog Days Are Over, Florence and the Machine
Dynamo of Volition, Jason Mraz
Hey Jude, Paul McCartney
Blinded By The Light, Manfred Manns Earth Band
All I Want, A Day to Remember
All Signs Point to Launderdale, A Day to Remember
Gives You Hell, The All American Rejects
So Big, Iyaz
Longshot, Kelly Clarkson
Club Can't Handle Me, Flo Rida
Amerie, Gotta Work
My Baby Daddy, B-Rock and the Bizz
What the Hell, Avril Lavigne
What You Know, Two Door Cinema Club
Jackie Wilson Said, Van Morrison
Over The Rainbow, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
I Believe I can Fly, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Only The Good Die Young, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Kiss with A Fist, Florence and the Machine
Beauty In The World, Macy Gray
Killing In the Name, Rage Against the Machine
Dance Or Die, Family Force 5
American Idiot, Green Day
Song 4 Mutya, Groove Armada
Guilty as Charged, Gym Class Heros
Friend Like That, Hawk Nelson
I'm In Love With A Sociopath, I Hate Kate
You! Me! Dancing, Los Campesinos!
Don't Ask Me, Ok Go
Ghostie, Punchline
Disturbia, Rihanna
You're Gonna Go Far Kid, Offspring
Gimme Chemicals, The Pink Spiders
Don't Hold Back, The Sleeping
Heart In A Cage, The Strokes
Contagious, Boys Like Girls*
Love Drunk, Boys Like Girls
Love Like Woe, The Ready Set
Dancing Queen, Abba
Respect, Aretha Franklin
I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor
More Than A Feeling, Boston
Do Wop, Lauren Hill
Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit*
So What, Pink
Raise Your Glass, Pink
Just Run, Digital Summer
Dead in a Grave, Rev Theory*
Justice, Rev Theory*
Pretty Girl Rock, Keri Hilson
Bouncin' Back, Mystikal
One, Sky Ferreira
Diamond Eyes, Shinedown*
Another F.U. Song, Reel Big Fish
Hate You, Reel Big Fish
Shine, Cindy Lauper
Bad Reputation, Joan Jett
Shout, Joan Jett
Don't Bring Me Down, E.L.O.
Pork and Beans, Weezer
Perfect Situation, Weezer
Surf Wax America, Weezer
Love Song, Four Year Strong*
My Humps, Black Eye Peas
Guts, All Time Low
Shark Attack, Limp Bizkit
Don't Stop Believing, Journey*
Any Way You Want It, Journey
Don't Back Down, The Queers
Feel Like I Do, Drowning Pool
You Can Do It, Ice Cube
Ruby Soho, Rancid
Float On, Modest Mouse
Till I Collapse, Eminem*
ABC, Jackson 5
I Want You Back, Jackson 5
All These Things I Hate, Bullet For My Valentine
God Will Lift Up Your Head, Jars of Clay
Run In The Night, Jars Of Clay
Out Of My Hands, Jars Of Clay*
Ladies and Gentlemen, Saliva
Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit*
Heist, Ben Folds*
Philosophy(live), Ben Folds*
There's Always Someone Cooler than You, Ben Folds
The Take Over The Breaks Over, Fall Out Boy
Second to None, Styles of Beyond
Pretty Handsome Awkward, The Used
Real Gone, Sheryl Crow
B.O.B., Outkast
The Distance, CAKE
Sheep Go TO Heave, CAKE
Cinderella Man, Eminem*
We Will Rock You, Queen
Walking on Sunshine, Katrina and The Waves
Dirty Little Secret, All American Rejects
Good Life, One Republic
Brown Eyed Girl, Van Morrison
Each Tear, Mary J. Blige
Bulls on Parade, Rage Against the Machine
Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn, Hello Goodbye
Crushcrushcrush, Paramore
Faith, Limp Bizkit*
Animal, Neon Trees
Hashpipe, Weezer
Remember the Name, Fort Minor*
One Step At A Time, Four Year Strong*
Paper Planes, M.I.A.
Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons
Eye of The Tiger, Survivor
I Just Wanna Run, The Downtown Fiction
Head for the Barrcade, Limp Bizkit
Of All The Gin Joints of all The World, Fall Out Boy

*note never leaving my mp3 list

Ben Folds - Learn To Live With What You Are

Life goes on bro

So this morning I ran! Only 2 miles, the first mile was really good, the second mile I must have snagged my pants on the start and tried to run around the track attached, it was harder. But I do have to say I didn't expected 5 days post marathon to be running already. Holla!
As I rested I have been thinking, about what all this means. I want to run more marathons. I think I will stay half trained as long as I can, just to keep the base. As for another full, its got to wait awhile, its expensive I have 2 kids and my support system needs a break. I have my eye on a couple 5k's and will be working on the all over picture of Manda. Loosing weight, doing speed work, cross training and strength training. I know I can only get better from here.
I made an appointment for a consultation for a tummy tuck/ loose skin chop. I am going to go talk to the doctor. I don't know where the money for something like that would come from at this time, or how much it will cost. So I am just going to get the questions over with and go from there. If it can't be done financially, it won't be done then, I am not going to take food out of my families mouth for this. I wish there was a publisher's clearing house that came to your door and said " Amanda Fink you just won an abdominalplasty get your bags bitch!" but probably won't happen. I can't go on not at least asking about it anymore so I grew a set and made an appointment. That's 10-18-11, hopefully I still have the stones to keep my appointment and ask the questions I have been wondering for so long. Well even if its just a silly pipedream I am going because if this year has taught me anything its to dream big, and never say never.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Me First And The Gimmegimmes

Marathon- epilogue

So I can't believe just how many page hits I have gotten over the last 2 days, some crazy number like 300! It's cool to see people read all of this, especially since it started with "welcome to the blog that nobody will read". I just want to thank everyone for the support and all the words of encouragement, you made reaching my dreams even funner.
Monday morning I rolled over as I had been doing most of the night, and YEOOOOUUUUCCH. I pulled on my teeshirt, unbeknownst to me that my shirt had become part of the scab on my sternal chaffing, and I had just ripped it open. Well, I wasn't much of a fan of sleeping anyways guess I'll get up.As soon as my puffy toes hit the floor the Rocky theme plays in my head. I had to visualize this because lactic acid will turn you to stone and the first hour or so in the morning hurts like a bitch. So I waddle to the toilet with the trumpets playing for me and they stop as I grunt to bend to sit. Then I waddle around my kitchen and made some coffee theme music still playing. Da da dah, da da dah. In my head, ladies and gentlemen Amanda the Marathoner makes coffee. Its hurting but I am still going and that amazes me. I was pretty sure I was going to need some crutches or something.
My mom came over the first day and did my mom duties for me. In the morning she took my kids out so I could I have time to rest. She even brought over dinner for the day, she was expecting me to lay in bed all day too. We got Jude's shoes on and then he stomped on my big toe. I screamed and tears shot out so far they didn't even touch my cheeks. I picked him up and told him I was fine, as I sobbed. After they left, I sat up and I did walk around a little bit. I tried to nap, I couldn't there is no comfortable spot so I blogged and posted pictures on facebook. I felt good, really felt kinda like a smart ass, that's all? I should do this more I am really good at recovering. Before I knew it the day was over and it was time to go to bed again. I still didn't feel much like sleeping.
The next morning: Oh my lord. Try getting up and it hurts to move. I don't feel right. I am more sore, and today I also feel sick. I don't understand I thought the worst was over. But now it feels like my eyes will pop out of my head. I am soaked in sweat. There is a puddle on my side of the bed just about, even my hair is wet from yhetti sweating. I manage to feed my kids and myself. As Ryan gets out the door to work I look at him and say "I don't think I can do this today". He had to go, I float on like a lump of crap. I actually did some laundry and started to unpack from the race. I tell my running friends how bad I am feeling and they say the second day is the worst. I had never heard that but it really was true. I was feeling physically sick. My dog stepped on my toe and a blister and popped it with her claw- I almost barfed-PAIN>! I survivied. My mom ended up coming over in the afternoon to help take care of me, and I let her. Thanks mom.
This morning we jumped back into normalness. I got up and showered and dressed. Wore a bra (not easy with a 7 inch scab under your boobs, and shoes, only for a few hours! I took the kids to preschool and took my 2 year old to the grocery store for food. It's good to be feeling better. I will be logging miles just as soon as I am sure my feet are 100% happy. But I am feeling good. I am posting some pics, some eh maybe tmi, but total honesty right?

Float On, ModestMouse

Marathon act 4.

So after the lady with the bike rode off, I continued my battle. I did what ever I could do to keep going. I had to take a couple walks 5 minutes each. The cars were going fast on the side of me. I was doing everything I could do to keeping going. I looked behind me on the right to see if my calf had any marks on it as I was running, no marks but my leg was loose! I had no idea how the last few miles had affected my gait. I my legs were everywhere. I tried hard to keep my form and remember to not misstep. It became a baby trot. It was thilling to see the mile marker 25. I did never see a 26 marker. At the last water stop the girl said "200 meters almost there!" And I knew I was going to make it and I started to sobb. I am sure at this point no tears or boogers came out I was dry, but I was blubbering everwhere and making my 'ugly cryer face'. I was starting to hyperventilate with emotion, I picked up the speed, I could see Ryan and my mom and my brother. At this point I want to go faster and I am grunting/yelling/screaming because it hurts. My family starts running with me and I tell them to please stop because I had to do it alone. I continue to yelling and cry the whole way. I tried to sprint in but I am sure it just looked like a relaxed jog. The time on the clock 5:50:50 in the picture. http://www.runhigh.com/2011RESULTS/R091811AF.html, this is the actual time page. I was last in my age group and like 3rd from last over all. When I got to the volunteers I was screaming, and sobbing, and screaming. She handed me my metal, asked if I was okay. I yelled "I'm FIIIIINE". Then I yelled "I don't know why I'm yelling I'm sorry!" They took my chip off my shoe, and asked "is this a runners high?" and I still yelled "oh yes!".  The three people around me all had tears in their eyes as I screamed it out. They said I had to go to the medical tent to get looked at so I started for it, then I turned back and hugged the lady for giving me a metal and it was a big hug. "I will never forget you thank you so much for everything." then I gasped " I am so sorry I am disgusting right now, I have never been so dirty and I hugged you!" She said it was okay, waived me off. They sat me down at the tent, there was like 8 people there with stethoscopes on. They weren't very busy I guess. They sat me down on a stretcher/lawnchair and asked me what hurt. They were asking questions I was, according to hubbs still yelling. They took my shoes off, my mom said my toes were purple. My family was standing around me at the tent as the doctors looked me over. My mom came and kissed me crying.  Then my Dad came up, he had just made it, he looked distraught, he tried to make it but ended up getting lost in the traffic confusion and missed by like literally 10 minutes. I felt bad for him because I knew he wanted to be there, but I already told you he did his job for me that morning and I was okay with it. I was just happy to make him proud of me. I sat their and told them all about the last couple miles and the pretty bubbles. In the pictures from the tent I look high really. They let me sit there so ryan could bring the van around because the finish was already tore down at this point. They started tearing it down as soon as I crossed, remember they marked me as last official timed person by my number miles ago. All of those people helping me at that tent were doctors, volunteering. Wow that is so cool, because I know how much I bother doctors at their days off, and they STILL do that stuff in their free time. I won't forget their faces , ever. I saw them putting the stretchers away and I saw Marathon foil blankets, I asked for one. I said I always wanted one. They gave me one! Then the van pulled up my mom put my socks on for me, gently and I hobble to the car without my shoes and sat on my marathon blanket.
We went to the hotel where my dad and step mom came in an helped so I could shower and they could help us pack. My dad and step mom walked me in to the hotel in my socks with a foil blanket, filthy brine all over me metal on my neck. It is taking an insane amount of time to get to the room. I got there though. Ryan was right after we were. He stayed in the bathroom with me as I showered. He helped me get my clothes off an made sure I didn't pass out or anything. Let me tell you, a bath tub feels like stepping over a wall to get into after something like that. I didn't icebath, we had to go, I just showered. I screeched when the water hit me. Under my boobs a giant gash. And my collar bone raw at the base of my neck. I used an insane amount of soap. I washed everything like 3 times. I loosened all the sport tape in the shower then yanked it all off.  Getting dressed was also a sport, I did it but it was hard. Remember neosporin next time, I had no band aids either, the bra felt like burlap.
We sat and talked while Ryan packed everything. My dad bought me some chips to eat from the machine and I think the game was on. We were only 40 minutes late checking out of our late check out. :)
Ryan and I said good by to my dad and step mom, then we got drive through at Arbys. We got stuck in traffic so long, by the time we got our food I had to pee. So I took my cellphone just incase and waddled into the bathroom. It was funny the door was swelled and some old lady couldn't get out and I could barely help her.
On the way home I started to cry all over again. I said to Ryan, "what just happened here?".
I made it through the 2 hour drive okay, came home and laid down in my bed and I only moved to bathroom.
 Remember the Name, Fort Minor

Marathon act 3.

I smiled big as I got across the start, still in a herd of people. There were tons of cheering people it was electric. I kept trying to remember to pace myself. A couple times in the first 3 miles I was 11something a minute an I had to control myself.
All of my good songs were playing. I was just enjoying myself. The first mile went by quick and so did the pack. That ALWAYS happens, its happen enough to not bother me at all. The first water stop was so funny they were all dressed like the Clampits or something, even Granny was representing, I laughed out loud. Grabbed a water and drank it threw it behind me. I didn't stop. At this time the sun was peaking through the dunes and in some spots you could see it, pink water. Beautiful, gorgeous. And around this time I began noticing other things. People flinging their sweaters and stuff, littering, oh and um watering the trees. Sally, you were right people do just go in the woods and go to the bathroom. I only noticed men doing that. But I said to myself, I'll be damned she was right! The first 3 miles were a giant smile plastered on my face, like the pudding face in the commercials. Around 3 is where we turned at the entrance to the peninsula and went out towards the bay, next water stop down the road was clampits, and it was still funny. I am still so happy and around 4 is when the halfers start to pass me. They started out 30 minutes after me, so all the fast ones were flying past me. Hey shorty black shorts guy, thanks for the view! ;) At the 6m/10k point the crowd was there again cheering I smiled big, enjoyed the cheers. Then after that you don't see anybody but water stop people until mile 13. Its cool though, it gave me time to think and focus, you know as all these people are still passing me. Autumn jumps in from the side to run a mile with me. I tell her I was so happy she was there, and I meant it. I tell her my big toe hurts but its not major, at that point nothing else is hurt/hurting. She says she'll see me on the other side I yell "remember to stretch bitch!", I was getting my endorphins I get swearing.
I keep on trucking through the water stops drinking water and sport drink and plod happily along, singing to myself, still smiling. At the tip of the peninsula, my mp3 player took control of me for awhile, Hey Jude came on. I put it on there on purpose so I can think of my kids. Oh and I did, I could see thier perfect little faces, the moments when I first looked at their faces when they were born it was flashing before me. When they were chubby babies and all they could do was smile and poop, and I could see them how they were now, my big preschooler and my trying to be big 2 year old. I thanked god for them and kept on.
I continued as I made it closer to the halfway point to be passed by halfers. Its cool though some of them were really struggling and I gave them a distance left from my garmin and told them they could do it. I got a fist pump from someone. Around mile 10 I had to pee, I happen to pass a shelter, not a portajohn with running water bathrooms I ran up the hill busted in ran to the last stall, did my business pulled up my stuff and left. I did not a. shut the door, or b. flush. Please forgive me I needed every moment. I took off again, empty once more, and saw Autumn again she ran a little with me before she had to go, it meant so much to have her with me.
I crossed through the half finish, full halfway point there was sooooooo many people they were all cheering I should remember this. As I plod back down again towards the park enterance a second time a lot of done halfers were walking around on the course, maybe they forgot some of us were still running! hahah. I know I was like almost last they probably thought no one else would be going by. All hopped up on endorphins I came up on a halfer that had passed me walking still in the middle of the course I got in his face and said, "what done all ready?" What the hell did I say that for? I am so sorry LA tshirt guy I was starting my marathon trip and it was a very stupid thing to say, I'm an ass. Good work, you made excellent time, now get off the course.
I run past the clampits again and its not only funny now, its trippy. Like so funny is weird, and sort of a little real looking. As I got on mile 14 I saw someone turn around and start walking on the other side of the road. As I approach, I see the blue tag on him, full marathon number. Then I see his face, devastation and heartbreak, he was pulling out. I will never forget the look on his face, ever. I still feel sad for him, and hope he's okay.
After I passed the 14 water stop I became solitary runner in wooded area. It was a little daunting at first thinking where the freak is everyone? I dicked with my mp3 player for a bit deciding I didn't want to listen to a few songs. I took my first walk break at this time, only for a minute or so. I keep going and soon its time to turn towards the peninsula again. Finally I see people again on the course, um 1 person. He caught up with me, shook my hand, his name was Frank. I told him "Frank I'll remember you for the rest of my life"I was serious too. He told me we got this now, they won't sweep us as long as we keep 15/m the rest of the way. He asked me if I was hurting, I told him not really. He was good company because I was starting to get nervous about being alone. We got through 18 in each others site, at 19 I stopped to pit crew. Everyone was talking to me and taking my picture, I started swearing. Not just a little I was using the f word. I was screaming, orders. I'm sorry guys, it was getting desperate for me I knew I didn't have much time. I grabbed a bottle of water and a bite of protein bar. It took me probably 5 minutes to chew that, it was on either side of my cheeks like a chipmunk. I made it to the tip of the peninsula with Frank in my site and might right calf started to hurt. I stopped to stretch it out, and started putting in walk breaks and Frank dissapeared. I was alone on the course again. Looking at all sorts of gu wrappers on the course. for the record I didn't litter one time, I carried my trash to a can the whole course. I was so afraid of being swept, I kept going. I started singing to myself with my tunes. I then turned the volume up all the way. The water stops are now start to run out of sport drink so I am drinking water, and wondering if my calf is cramping because I had too much water. I passed exactly 2 people. As I did they were looking not well, delirous. At mile 22 I could see a man with a red shirt in front of me, he looked like he was hurting. Head down the rest of the course, I could see him, I was worried for him, I prayed he would be ok.
I looked all around and on one of the beaches someone was blowing bubbles. Not kiddie bubbles either, like 2 giant sticks with a couple of ropes. They were blowing in the wind and in the sunlight  pink and shining. They were so beautiful, I would say it was the most beautiful thing I saw the whole day. Like pink diamonds, breathtaking, I was tripping out, for a minute I started to run towards the beautiful bubbles think oh pretty....then a car sped past in the right lane and it snapped me out of it. The aid station at the 23 stop, i stopped there to try and stretchout my calf that was now starting to really protest. The man at the tent asked if I was okay, I yelled I'm good. Then I yelled at my calf calling it a little bastard and told it to knock it off. He gave me a towel from his cooler it was wet and cold, I noticed it said md. I shook his hand and said Amanda Fink RN> I am such a dumbass. I kept that towel when I wanted it off my neck, I tied it to my belt, I am never throwing away that towel! Thanks doc.
I kept on, sore in pain but was still going, I never stopped moving even if I had to keep walking. My calf was getting more serous. I start feeling desperate. I keep telling myself, go for broke, go for broke. I was thinking of all the people that love me, and support me. And I was trying as hard as I could.
at 24ish a lady on a bike, race official, pulled up asked if I was okay. I told her I was, I tell her to please don't sweep me. She says you are 10 minutes ahead of the pace at this time and you will make it, there are people still behind you. holy shit what?She then writes down my number and rides to the next stop, I believe it was to tell them to pack in after I run by. So encouraged I battle on.
The Distance, CAKE