signing him up

Yesterday I did what I have been dreading. I signed my first born up for kindergarten. I know he won't go until August, but I can't help a little like this is the end of an era, um because it is. This blog is dedicated to my darling first born son, Miles.
Sometime in early fall of 2006....
I had just arrived home from a day of orientation at a new job at the local hospital in Baltimore. I was tired, getting dinner together in my hot un-airconditioned kitchen just loathing the heat. Hubbs was just leaving for a 2 week business trip, gave me a kiss and barreled out the door because he was late. He's always late, ALWAYS, and BWI didn't give a crap so he had to hustle it. I was kinda lonely in this time in my life, a bit depressed to; not sure how to take care of my self as an adult, missing my far away family, just committed to our first mortgage to an 100 year old stinker in a place I wasn't so sure of was a great place to live, and recovering from a really disappointing miscarriage and sinking because it was 6 months and I still wasn't pregnant. I confess to hating babiesrus in this time frame, and feeling sad whenever I saw a new baby or a pregnant girl, and taking about 5 pregnancy tests a month just to be sure. I was tired. I tired of feeling sad, and today just over it.
 I give my friend a call, we talk about the usual stuff. I am a born multitasker. I had taken a pregnancy test and called my friend to chat to pass the minutes. I didn't tell her what I was waiting on because I was sure I would be seeing a negative as I had so many times. I return to the bathroom while mid sentence and it was positive. "Oh God....Tonya....."  My friend becomes worried "what's the matter? Amanda what's wrong?" I preceded to repeat my self and get upset. Crying. pacing. I finally tell her, I'm pregnant. I tell her over and over to never tell until she she gets the okay because last time every knew before I miscarried and it was tough to get over retelling it over and over. We eventually hang up after she calms me down. I sit it this big old turd of a house alone on the couch thinking how am I going to tell him something like this over the phone I can't wait 2 weeks.
I put my head back and think and then my phone rings I jump like an MMA fighter and answer it's Hubbs he tells me on the way home his flight was actually cancelled. In the entire 5 years he worked there is the only one time this has ever happened. THANKGOD. So I get up and pace until he returns. He looks at me, he sees something is up. I just say go in the bathroom, he stands there and demands to know what's wrong I said look....and after an eternity he sees the test on the sink. He gives me a huge smile and hug.
We kept this a secret for 4 whole weeks from everyone except for my friend Tonya so we could verify he was okay. The day we had the ultrasound to confirm I was 8 weeks along and full clamped in fear. The last time I had an ultrasound we found out the baby past on so this was horrifying. I laid there on the table white knuckling my husband as the lady plooped jelly on me. Finally we heard the most beautiful sound ever, my little champ's heartbeat. He made it! Probably the most wonderful of moments so far in my life.
When he was born I didn't fully expect a baby until he came out. I know it sounds weird but I was terrified I couldn't place that he was coming out somehow because when he did it was a lightning bolt shock. He got yanked up by the ankles all gooey and before he even cried his eyes were open huge and he was looking at me. Wow it still gives me the chills.
As he has grown over the years he constantly surprises me. His unconditional love has taught me a thing or two. He has made me a mother and my husband a father. He's a great miracle gift to my husband and myself. As he turns 5 next week I am astounded how time flies. He can write his name and yesterday I signed him up for kindergarten.
When we got there the teacher came and took him away from me for his screening and I felt a little peace as he confidently walked with them. He's grown so much this is a good thing. I sit by myself watching a slide show waiting for my conference and I feel my heart thump and see tears coming. Thankfully my neighbor was coming to sit by me, I tell her to talk to me so I won't cry. Then it s my turn to talk with the principle I did just fine as she tells me my son is testing ready for kindergarten. Then as I tell her how impressed I was with how well organized the system was I choked on tears and they came out. The principle flops out a huge box of tissues and starts crying too. Well at least I wasn't alone, I am sure many more moms squirted out a few tears. My big boy was presented to me with a star sticker that says Kindergarten here I come. ...sigh....
I have been surviving lately on the fact we still have the summer and he's still a baby until then, but yesterday I saw it's already happened, he's not a baby and I am so very proud of him. Happy 5th Birthday Miles.