Lately

So this week I haven't done much yet. I have only run once since the race. Last Friday. I am feeling a little more of what I did to myself. I am getting back to normal slowly. I had a massage Monday, then last night I went to body combat. I had a good time at the class but I still felt really tired during and weak.
I am trying to manange my post race blues, cause I got em. I miss Wednesday long days sooooo much. So yesterday I signed up for the Pittsburgh Half Marathon in May. Its not a full 26.2 but its what I will be able to handle this year. Our family keeps changing. My big boy will be probably starting some activity, and my little boy will be potty training, both require more of me and my time. I am excited about it because most of my running pals are running it too. I think its going to be fun!
I am trying to improve on myself before training ramps up again: I am trying not to slack on my diet. I am scaling down my consumption of calories until I start slamming out 10 milers again. I am adding more classes to my workout schedule, hanging at the gym more. I am also trying to improve my skin care. DAMN =>I have acne now. Those long runs do nothing for your complexion. Yesterday I discovered an ear zit. It hurt and there was no way of getting to it, probably from having my ear buds in. NASTY. So anyone got skin care tips? I feel like I am taking a lap back through puberty. I need to do some shopping soon for gear too. I am in the market for a new sports bra, the marathon killed my favorite one. I might try a new brand of shoes next time I swing by Lloyds too. I can't help but notice most of my gear even when clean still stinks a little, I want to try and figure out a solution to that also. I am so shopping for cheesy 26.2 crap too. My minivan needs a sticker and so does my truck and I need a cheesy T shirt for sheez.

In my non running part of life I am trying to improve too. I am cleaning every room in my house ceiling to floor. It needs it, I learned to step over that stuff this summer. I am suddenly noticing the dustbunnies that I told myself were invisible this summer. Rearranging and reorganizing little by little. Time marches on, and my kids are getting bigger too, we'll be discovering new things this year.

I can't help to feel a little bit lost right now. But I'm working on it.

wah wah song: James Blunt, Goodbye My Lover

My Marathon Playlist

In exact order these are the songs I ran my marathon with:

Not Afraid, Eminem
Gonna Fly Now(John X Remix), The Best of Rocky*
Somebody to Love, Queen
Hey Ya!, Outkast
Closer to the Edge, 30 Seconds to Mars
Sing, My Chemical Romance
Magic, B.O.B.
Dog Days Are Over, Florence and the Machine
Dynamo of Volition, Jason Mraz
Hey Jude, Paul McCartney
Blinded By The Light, Manfred Manns Earth Band
All I Want, A Day to Remember
All Signs Point to Launderdale, A Day to Remember
Gives You Hell, The All American Rejects
So Big, Iyaz
Longshot, Kelly Clarkson
Club Can't Handle Me, Flo Rida
Amerie, Gotta Work
My Baby Daddy, B-Rock and the Bizz
What the Hell, Avril Lavigne
What You Know, Two Door Cinema Club
Jackie Wilson Said, Van Morrison
Over The Rainbow, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
I Believe I can Fly, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Only The Good Die Young, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Kiss with A Fist, Florence and the Machine
Beauty In The World, Macy Gray
Killing In the Name, Rage Against the Machine
Dance Or Die, Family Force 5
American Idiot, Green Day
Song 4 Mutya, Groove Armada
Guilty as Charged, Gym Class Heros
Friend Like That, Hawk Nelson
I'm In Love With A Sociopath, I Hate Kate
You! Me! Dancing, Los Campesinos!
Don't Ask Me, Ok Go
Ghostie, Punchline
Disturbia, Rihanna
You're Gonna Go Far Kid, Offspring
Gimme Chemicals, The Pink Spiders
Don't Hold Back, The Sleeping
Heart In A Cage, The Strokes
Contagious, Boys Like Girls*
Love Drunk, Boys Like Girls
Love Like Woe, The Ready Set
Dancing Queen, Abba
Respect, Aretha Franklin
I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor
More Than A Feeling, Boston
Do Wop, Lauren Hill
Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit*
So What, Pink
Raise Your Glass, Pink
Just Run, Digital Summer
Dead in a Grave, Rev Theory*
Justice, Rev Theory*
Pretty Girl Rock, Keri Hilson
Bouncin' Back, Mystikal
One, Sky Ferreira
Diamond Eyes, Shinedown*
Another F.U. Song, Reel Big Fish
Hate You, Reel Big Fish
Shine, Cindy Lauper
Bad Reputation, Joan Jett
Shout, Joan Jett
Don't Bring Me Down, E.L.O.
Pork and Beans, Weezer
Perfect Situation, Weezer
Surf Wax America, Weezer
Love Song, Four Year Strong*
My Humps, Black Eye Peas
Guts, All Time Low
Shark Attack, Limp Bizkit
Don't Stop Believing, Journey*
Any Way You Want It, Journey
Don't Back Down, The Queers
Feel Like I Do, Drowning Pool
You Can Do It, Ice Cube
Ruby Soho, Rancid
Float On, Modest Mouse
Till I Collapse, Eminem*
ABC, Jackson 5
I Want You Back, Jackson 5
All These Things I Hate, Bullet For My Valentine
God Will Lift Up Your Head, Jars of Clay
Run In The Night, Jars Of Clay
Out Of My Hands, Jars Of Clay*
Ladies and Gentlemen, Saliva
Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit*
Heist, Ben Folds*
Philosophy(live), Ben Folds*
There's Always Someone Cooler than You, Ben Folds
The Take Over The Breaks Over, Fall Out Boy
Second to None, Styles of Beyond
Pretty Handsome Awkward, The Used
Real Gone, Sheryl Crow
B.O.B., Outkast
The Distance, CAKE
Sheep Go TO Heave, CAKE
Cinderella Man, Eminem*
We Will Rock You, Queen
Walking on Sunshine, Katrina and The Waves
Dirty Little Secret, All American Rejects
Good Life, One Republic
Brown Eyed Girl, Van Morrison
Each Tear, Mary J. Blige
Bulls on Parade, Rage Against the Machine
Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn, Hello Goodbye
Crushcrushcrush, Paramore
Faith, Limp Bizkit*
Animal, Neon Trees
Hashpipe, Weezer
Remember the Name, Fort Minor*
One Step At A Time, Four Year Strong*
Paper Planes, M.I.A.
Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons
Eye of The Tiger, Survivor
I Just Wanna Run, The Downtown Fiction
Head for the Barrcade, Limp Bizkit
Of All The Gin Joints of all The World, Fall Out Boy

*note never leaving my mp3 list

Ben Folds - Learn To Live With What You Are

Life goes on bro

So this morning I ran! Only 2 miles, the first mile was really good, the second mile I must have snagged my pants on the start and tried to run around the track attached, it was harder. But I do have to say I didn't expected 5 days post marathon to be running already. Holla!
As I rested I have been thinking, about what all this means. I want to run more marathons. I think I will stay half trained as long as I can, just to keep the base. As for another full, its got to wait awhile, its expensive I have 2 kids and my support system needs a break. I have my eye on a couple 5k's and will be working on the all over picture of Manda. Loosing weight, doing speed work, cross training and strength training. I know I can only get better from here.
I made an appointment for a consultation for a tummy tuck/ loose skin chop. I am going to go talk to the doctor. I don't know where the money for something like that would come from at this time, or how much it will cost. So I am just going to get the questions over with and go from there. If it can't be done financially, it won't be done then, I am not going to take food out of my families mouth for this. I wish there was a publisher's clearing house that came to your door and said " Amanda Fink you just won an abdominalplasty get your bags bitch!" but probably won't happen. I can't go on not at least asking about it anymore so I grew a set and made an appointment. That's 10-18-11, hopefully I still have the stones to keep my appointment and ask the questions I have been wondering for so long. Well even if its just a silly pipedream I am going because if this year has taught me anything its to dream big, and never say never.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Me First And The Gimmegimmes

Marathon- epilogue

So I can't believe just how many page hits I have gotten over the last 2 days, some crazy number like 300! It's cool to see people read all of this, especially since it started with "welcome to the blog that nobody will read". I just want to thank everyone for the support and all the words of encouragement, you made reaching my dreams even funner.
Monday morning I rolled over as I had been doing most of the night, and YEOOOOUUUUCCH. I pulled on my teeshirt, unbeknownst to me that my shirt had become part of the scab on my sternal chaffing, and I had just ripped it open. Well, I wasn't much of a fan of sleeping anyways guess I'll get up.As soon as my puffy toes hit the floor the Rocky theme plays in my head. I had to visualize this because lactic acid will turn you to stone and the first hour or so in the morning hurts like a bitch. So I waddle to the toilet with the trumpets playing for me and they stop as I grunt to bend to sit. Then I waddle around my kitchen and made some coffee theme music still playing. Da da dah, da da dah. In my head, ladies and gentlemen Amanda the Marathoner makes coffee. Its hurting but I am still going and that amazes me. I was pretty sure I was going to need some crutches or something.
My mom came over the first day and did my mom duties for me. In the morning she took my kids out so I could I have time to rest. She even brought over dinner for the day, she was expecting me to lay in bed all day too. We got Jude's shoes on and then he stomped on my big toe. I screamed and tears shot out so far they didn't even touch my cheeks. I picked him up and told him I was fine, as I sobbed. After they left, I sat up and I did walk around a little bit. I tried to nap, I couldn't there is no comfortable spot so I blogged and posted pictures on facebook. I felt good, really felt kinda like a smart ass, that's all? I should do this more I am really good at recovering. Before I knew it the day was over and it was time to go to bed again. I still didn't feel much like sleeping.
The next morning: Oh my lord. Try getting up and it hurts to move. I don't feel right. I am more sore, and today I also feel sick. I don't understand I thought the worst was over. But now it feels like my eyes will pop out of my head. I am soaked in sweat. There is a puddle on my side of the bed just about, even my hair is wet from yhetti sweating. I manage to feed my kids and myself. As Ryan gets out the door to work I look at him and say "I don't think I can do this today". He had to go, I float on like a lump of crap. I actually did some laundry and started to unpack from the race. I tell my running friends how bad I am feeling and they say the second day is the worst. I had never heard that but it really was true. I was feeling physically sick. My dog stepped on my toe and a blister and popped it with her claw- I almost barfed-PAIN>! I survivied. My mom ended up coming over in the afternoon to help take care of me, and I let her. Thanks mom.
This morning we jumped back into normalness. I got up and showered and dressed. Wore a bra (not easy with a 7 inch scab under your boobs, and shoes, only for a few hours! I took the kids to preschool and took my 2 year old to the grocery store for food. It's good to be feeling better. I will be logging miles just as soon as I am sure my feet are 100% happy. But I am feeling good. I am posting some pics, some eh maybe tmi, but total honesty right?

Float On, ModestMouse

Marathon act 4.

So after the lady with the bike rode off, I continued my battle. I did what ever I could do to keep going. I had to take a couple walks 5 minutes each. The cars were going fast on the side of me. I was doing everything I could do to keeping going. I looked behind me on the right to see if my calf had any marks on it as I was running, no marks but my leg was loose! I had no idea how the last few miles had affected my gait. I my legs were everywhere. I tried hard to keep my form and remember to not misstep. It became a baby trot. It was thilling to see the mile marker 25. I did never see a 26 marker. At the last water stop the girl said "200 meters almost there!" And I knew I was going to make it and I started to sobb. I am sure at this point no tears or boogers came out I was dry, but I was blubbering everwhere and making my 'ugly cryer face'. I was starting to hyperventilate with emotion, I picked up the speed, I could see Ryan and my mom and my brother. At this point I want to go faster and I am grunting/yelling/screaming because it hurts. My family starts running with me and I tell them to please stop because I had to do it alone. I continue to yelling and cry the whole way. I tried to sprint in but I am sure it just looked like a relaxed jog. The time on the clock 5:50:50 in the picture. http://www.runhigh.com/2011RESULTS/R091811AF.html, this is the actual time page. I was last in my age group and like 3rd from last over all. When I got to the volunteers I was screaming, and sobbing, and screaming. She handed me my metal, asked if I was okay. I yelled "I'm FIIIIINE". Then I yelled "I don't know why I'm yelling I'm sorry!" They took my chip off my shoe, and asked "is this a runners high?" and I still yelled "oh yes!".  The three people around me all had tears in their eyes as I screamed it out. They said I had to go to the medical tent to get looked at so I started for it, then I turned back and hugged the lady for giving me a metal and it was a big hug. "I will never forget you thank you so much for everything." then I gasped " I am so sorry I am disgusting right now, I have never been so dirty and I hugged you!" She said it was okay, waived me off. They sat me down at the tent, there was like 8 people there with stethoscopes on. They weren't very busy I guess. They sat me down on a stretcher/lawnchair and asked me what hurt. They were asking questions I was, according to hubbs still yelling. They took my shoes off, my mom said my toes were purple. My family was standing around me at the tent as the doctors looked me over. My mom came and kissed me crying.  Then my Dad came up, he had just made it, he looked distraught, he tried to make it but ended up getting lost in the traffic confusion and missed by like literally 10 minutes. I felt bad for him because I knew he wanted to be there, but I already told you he did his job for me that morning and I was okay with it. I was just happy to make him proud of me. I sat their and told them all about the last couple miles and the pretty bubbles. In the pictures from the tent I look high really. They let me sit there so ryan could bring the van around because the finish was already tore down at this point. They started tearing it down as soon as I crossed, remember they marked me as last official timed person by my number miles ago. All of those people helping me at that tent were doctors, volunteering. Wow that is so cool, because I know how much I bother doctors at their days off, and they STILL do that stuff in their free time. I won't forget their faces , ever. I saw them putting the stretchers away and I saw Marathon foil blankets, I asked for one. I said I always wanted one. They gave me one! Then the van pulled up my mom put my socks on for me, gently and I hobble to the car without my shoes and sat on my marathon blanket.
We went to the hotel where my dad and step mom came in an helped so I could shower and they could help us pack. My dad and step mom walked me in to the hotel in my socks with a foil blanket, filthy brine all over me metal on my neck. It is taking an insane amount of time to get to the room. I got there though. Ryan was right after we were. He stayed in the bathroom with me as I showered. He helped me get my clothes off an made sure I didn't pass out or anything. Let me tell you, a bath tub feels like stepping over a wall to get into after something like that. I didn't icebath, we had to go, I just showered. I screeched when the water hit me. Under my boobs a giant gash. And my collar bone raw at the base of my neck. I used an insane amount of soap. I washed everything like 3 times. I loosened all the sport tape in the shower then yanked it all off.  Getting dressed was also a sport, I did it but it was hard. Remember neosporin next time, I had no band aids either, the bra felt like burlap.
We sat and talked while Ryan packed everything. My dad bought me some chips to eat from the machine and I think the game was on. We were only 40 minutes late checking out of our late check out. :)
Ryan and I said good by to my dad and step mom, then we got drive through at Arbys. We got stuck in traffic so long, by the time we got our food I had to pee. So I took my cellphone just incase and waddled into the bathroom. It was funny the door was swelled and some old lady couldn't get out and I could barely help her.
On the way home I started to cry all over again. I said to Ryan, "what just happened here?".
I made it through the 2 hour drive okay, came home and laid down in my bed and I only moved to bathroom.
 Remember the Name, Fort Minor

Marathon act 3.

I smiled big as I got across the start, still in a herd of people. There were tons of cheering people it was electric. I kept trying to remember to pace myself. A couple times in the first 3 miles I was 11something a minute an I had to control myself.
All of my good songs were playing. I was just enjoying myself. The first mile went by quick and so did the pack. That ALWAYS happens, its happen enough to not bother me at all. The first water stop was so funny they were all dressed like the Clampits or something, even Granny was representing, I laughed out loud. Grabbed a water and drank it threw it behind me. I didn't stop. At this time the sun was peaking through the dunes and in some spots you could see it, pink water. Beautiful, gorgeous. And around this time I began noticing other things. People flinging their sweaters and stuff, littering, oh and um watering the trees. Sally, you were right people do just go in the woods and go to the bathroom. I only noticed men doing that. But I said to myself, I'll be damned she was right! The first 3 miles were a giant smile plastered on my face, like the pudding face in the commercials. Around 3 is where we turned at the entrance to the peninsula and went out towards the bay, next water stop down the road was clampits, and it was still funny. I am still so happy and around 4 is when the halfers start to pass me. They started out 30 minutes after me, so all the fast ones were flying past me. Hey shorty black shorts guy, thanks for the view! ;) At the 6m/10k point the crowd was there again cheering I smiled big, enjoyed the cheers. Then after that you don't see anybody but water stop people until mile 13. Its cool though, it gave me time to think and focus, you know as all these people are still passing me. Autumn jumps in from the side to run a mile with me. I tell her I was so happy she was there, and I meant it. I tell her my big toe hurts but its not major, at that point nothing else is hurt/hurting. She says she'll see me on the other side I yell "remember to stretch bitch!", I was getting my endorphins I get swearing.
I keep on trucking through the water stops drinking water and sport drink and plod happily along, singing to myself, still smiling. At the tip of the peninsula, my mp3 player took control of me for awhile, Hey Jude came on. I put it on there on purpose so I can think of my kids. Oh and I did, I could see thier perfect little faces, the moments when I first looked at their faces when they were born it was flashing before me. When they were chubby babies and all they could do was smile and poop, and I could see them how they were now, my big preschooler and my trying to be big 2 year old. I thanked god for them and kept on.
I continued as I made it closer to the halfway point to be passed by halfers. Its cool though some of them were really struggling and I gave them a distance left from my garmin and told them they could do it. I got a fist pump from someone. Around mile 10 I had to pee, I happen to pass a shelter, not a portajohn with running water bathrooms I ran up the hill busted in ran to the last stall, did my business pulled up my stuff and left. I did not a. shut the door, or b. flush. Please forgive me I needed every moment. I took off again, empty once more, and saw Autumn again she ran a little with me before she had to go, it meant so much to have her with me.
I crossed through the half finish, full halfway point there was sooooooo many people they were all cheering I should remember this. As I plod back down again towards the park enterance a second time a lot of done halfers were walking around on the course, maybe they forgot some of us were still running! hahah. I know I was like almost last they probably thought no one else would be going by. All hopped up on endorphins I came up on a halfer that had passed me walking still in the middle of the course I got in his face and said, "what done all ready?" What the hell did I say that for? I am so sorry LA tshirt guy I was starting my marathon trip and it was a very stupid thing to say, I'm an ass. Good work, you made excellent time, now get off the course.
I run past the clampits again and its not only funny now, its trippy. Like so funny is weird, and sort of a little real looking. As I got on mile 14 I saw someone turn around and start walking on the other side of the road. As I approach, I see the blue tag on him, full marathon number. Then I see his face, devastation and heartbreak, he was pulling out. I will never forget the look on his face, ever. I still feel sad for him, and hope he's okay.
After I passed the 14 water stop I became solitary runner in wooded area. It was a little daunting at first thinking where the freak is everyone? I dicked with my mp3 player for a bit deciding I didn't want to listen to a few songs. I took my first walk break at this time, only for a minute or so. I keep going and soon its time to turn towards the peninsula again. Finally I see people again on the course, um 1 person. He caught up with me, shook my hand, his name was Frank. I told him "Frank I'll remember you for the rest of my life"I was serious too. He told me we got this now, they won't sweep us as long as we keep 15/m the rest of the way. He asked me if I was hurting, I told him not really. He was good company because I was starting to get nervous about being alone. We got through 18 in each others site, at 19 I stopped to pit crew. Everyone was talking to me and taking my picture, I started swearing. Not just a little I was using the f word. I was screaming, orders. I'm sorry guys, it was getting desperate for me I knew I didn't have much time. I grabbed a bottle of water and a bite of protein bar. It took me probably 5 minutes to chew that, it was on either side of my cheeks like a chipmunk. I made it to the tip of the peninsula with Frank in my site and might right calf started to hurt. I stopped to stretch it out, and started putting in walk breaks and Frank dissapeared. I was alone on the course again. Looking at all sorts of gu wrappers on the course. for the record I didn't litter one time, I carried my trash to a can the whole course. I was so afraid of being swept, I kept going. I started singing to myself with my tunes. I then turned the volume up all the way. The water stops are now start to run out of sport drink so I am drinking water, and wondering if my calf is cramping because I had too much water. I passed exactly 2 people. As I did they were looking not well, delirous. At mile 22 I could see a man with a red shirt in front of me, he looked like he was hurting. Head down the rest of the course, I could see him, I was worried for him, I prayed he would be ok.
I looked all around and on one of the beaches someone was blowing bubbles. Not kiddie bubbles either, like 2 giant sticks with a couple of ropes. They were blowing in the wind and in the sunlight  pink and shining. They were so beautiful, I would say it was the most beautiful thing I saw the whole day. Like pink diamonds, breathtaking, I was tripping out, for a minute I started to run towards the beautiful bubbles think oh pretty....then a car sped past in the right lane and it snapped me out of it. The aid station at the 23 stop, i stopped there to try and stretchout my calf that was now starting to really protest. The man at the tent asked if I was okay, I yelled I'm good. Then I yelled at my calf calling it a little bastard and told it to knock it off. He gave me a towel from his cooler it was wet and cold, I noticed it said md. I shook his hand and said Amanda Fink RN> I am such a dumbass. I kept that towel when I wanted it off my neck, I tied it to my belt, I am never throwing away that towel! Thanks doc.
I kept on, sore in pain but was still going, I never stopped moving even if I had to keep walking. My calf was getting more serous. I start feeling desperate. I keep telling myself, go for broke, go for broke. I was thinking of all the people that love me, and support me. And I was trying as hard as I could.
at 24ish a lady on a bike, race official, pulled up asked if I was okay. I told her I was, I tell her to please don't sweep me. She says you are 10 minutes ahead of the pace at this time and you will make it, there are people still behind you. holy shit what?She then writes down my number and rides to the next stop, I believe it was to tell them to pack in after I run by. So encouraged I battle on.
The Distance, CAKE

Marathon act 2.

This seems unbelievable but the morning of the race everything went perfect. I had my game face on before I ever went to bed. I got up ate my prerun meal I had packed from home, pbnaner taco and day old coffe from our pot in a sippy cup. I did my business. Then I did something different I went in the other room and got on my knees. Then I got up hubbs. We sport taped me up the back where I rip my moles off, and my bra around the metal closure, then I got dressed in true tool fashion as I applied grease to all my hot spots. I greased my feet including every toe, and put on my shoes. As soon as I was certain my pit crew bag was ready and my fuel belt was right and my number and chip where on my dad was in the parking lot ready to come up.
He came to the room with my step mom, the four of us held hands while my dad prayed. He prayed for me, and then he prayed for hubbs, and finally the other runners. He finished I was tearing of course. He hugged me and told me "I'm proud of you". Really, honestly at that point dad had made me feel like my job was already done. It means a lot coming from him, no one else can say that for him. I needed to hear that from him.Then we hurried off, dad and Lynn had to go to church but hubbs promises to call and checking by cell phone all morning.
We get to the park 10 minutes earlier than they said to and it was a maze of lights of people coming in. He decides to drop me off in the road and I walk in. It was dark and a young lady walked with me. She didn't tell me her name but I could tell she had super curly hair, the pretty kind. She wishes me luck as we walk.
When we get to the start there is a D.J. and tons of people milling around in the cold chill. I kept my sweatshirt on until it was time to line up. I used the potty 2 times before it was time to go. If I am nervous I can pee exponentially. I got to talk to Autumn and Anne before I went, It was good to have someone to stand with.
Then I lined up in my pace group, 12/m is comfortable for me, I wasn't alone. Infact, they went clear to 15/m possibly 16/m, I was getting the tunnel vision. As I stood there, The lady standing next to me told me she was running in memory of her dad, Roger, who had died earlier that month from bone cancer. She was hoping to do sub 4hours. She gave me pointers for a minute and then we hugged as the horn blew and it was time to go. I screamed "I am just so happy to be here!!!!" and we took off!

Back On The Field, The Rudy Soundtrack

Marathon act 1.

So we finally made it to Erie, after dropping of respective children, and animals. Went directly to the park for packet pickup.
Once we finally figured out where to go and park I think I might have yelled at poor hubbs like 8 times. We get out and I am acting like a child on the first day of 7th grade. Don't hold my hand, don't take my picture, just be cool....PLEASE! I wait in like for the full marathon A-F because the man in front of me is having stimulating conversation about where to eat later. They are laughing having a great time. I am in no hurry. Its my turn, I say Amanda Fink please. Now, what I am about to say is my perception, its probably not what happened my nerves have me warped. The man who was just laughing and being social with the guy in front, clammed up and looked at me. Maybe I was being too quiet, I do that sometimes. But at the time I just figured this was the reaction, and I should expect this. Because really looking at me, even I would say oh yeah right. All of my race pics I look fat, because I still am! Just one thing people don't realize-I'm a badass, and I guess I'll be proving it. So I said "thank you very much" with as much as a cheese as I could snap out, even though I felt so aukward. I always feel huge at these events, why should this time be any different? There was a little expo going on, gear to look at running stores and fun stuff. Instead of shoppin, this girl wanted to go. Hubbs clearly didn't understand because he kept trying to take my picture, and "saying are you sure you want to go already?".
We got back to the van, I tell him what I thought just happened. He pretty much told me I was imagining it. I probably was, but I am not delusional yet either. I am strong, but I don't look like it. That man maybe thought I would hurt myself, as a nurse and a runner I would probably feel the same way.
Anyways, this poor man that gave me my packet,  I would like to thank you. You probably thought nothing of it, you probably were just being yourself, maybe you had to fart, or just tired from being there all day long, or it was loud and you couldn't hear me. But thank you for producing the face that you did, I suddenly became un-nervous, and started my mission to prove you wrong for your snap judgment. I believe you are a nice person, and I was so nervous I was close to a breakdown so you probably didn't do anything out of the ordinary, but if you did- well I finished so there.
In the room I cheered up after I read my course map 3 times, and looked at all my stuff. I tried on the socks I got but I still have not put on or tried on my race shirt, I didn't want to do that until after I finished. Then we turn on the TV and I got to catch the end of Bridget Jones 2, I jumped up and down, I love love love love those movies. It cheered me up anyways.
That evening we met up with the Kenyan and a new friend Anne, they are fast! Anne placed 3rd in her group and PR'd in the half on a broken toe. We ate at Applebees, I did not eat pasta, I had soup and sandwiches.
Around 9 I laid down and begged myself to sleep. Nice room, perfect silence, bed was a marshmallow. I mean niiiiice room, sit down but goes down 2 feet. HAHAH. It wasn't a complaint, I got up feeling fine, It was kinda like a water bed it was so soft though. I kept laughing about it.The hotel was awesome to give us complimentary late check outs because of the marathon!
I set 2 alarms both for 4 am. and it was lights out.


song: I Believe in a Thing Called Love, The Darkness

Finisher!

I am just now getting to my bed. 5 minutes to 6pm. I feel like too tired to type. But I finished. I was not swept. My time 5:58:50. That's right bitches 1 minute and 10 seconds to spare.
I am truly blessed to have this experience, and all the people behind me supporting me. I love you all. Blog about it tomorrow. or maybe later if I can't sleep. A tad queasy and walking reaaaaal slow, but still able to carry my own ass around just fine.
I love everyone. Halleluiah holy shit. Where's the tylenol?
Ben Folds, The Heist

1.

It's 5:33am exactly. Its dark in the house, silent actually except for my fingertips on this keyboad. I couldn't sleep. I did however get a least 7 hours of sleep. I have a lot of packing to do, and a lot of checking and re checking. I have to get the kids to their destination, the dogs to another, and myself and my husband out the door. So I am making coffee, collecting my thoughts now.
We are going up today for packet pickup, and to see the park and stuff. Then I am going to try to get a decent amount of dinner in and then go to sleep early if I can. I will be in my hotel lobby at this time in 24 hours praying with my Dad.
I am excited right now. I am sure until we get a good stretch of highway in between us and our house I will be nervous.
I am ready to do this.

Go the Distance, Micheal Bolton
http://youtu.be/m6v_gOmVJ4I

2.

So this morning was my final training run. It was dark the entire time, with a decent bit of moonlight left from monday's full moon, absolutely picturesc for a tool like me.
I got up at 4:30 and laid in bed with my eyes tightly shut trying to force sleep until 5:30am. I gave up and rolled out around 5. I put on my least favorite everything. The pants with a hole, the bra that rubs, my oogly old balegas that are mudstained, my least fav sweaty band, because the good pants and stuff are for the race.
After I suit up and get out the door I stepped on to the porch and stepped back in the house. Sheeeez its cold! Put on a good ol' hoody with thumbholes, and braved the chill.
I got down to the track a few minutes earlier than usual, all by myself. I get out and start, the moonlight was the perfect compliment to the 5 street lights the park has. I only had one ear bud in, I could hear the leaves crunch under my feet, and the creek rushing along beside me. As I go I think really nothing except its cold and very very beautiful. I controlled my legs, trying not to get hurt, my heart has been protesting this self-control.  The light shone through the trees so perfectly I was actually leaping from moonbeam to moonbeam. I negotiated speed for distance. My book says last run should be 20minutes, I added another mile because I needed to say goodbye. I touched the white line marker with my foot knowing it was the last mile I was training, I can say it was a mixed feeling. Awesome, with fear, anxiety, sadness, happiness, pride, so much I can't even touch with words. My emotions were thick like fog but I kept going. I enjoyed every step. I actually huffed out words out loud with Ben Folds, singing Philosophy. I can't believe its over, and I'm going to the starting line of a marathon. Perfect Mile kept going with Cinderella Man, by Eminem, I love that song! I slowed down on purpose, I don't want to forget how this feels. I don't want the sun to come up, I don't want to say goodbye. Somehow as much as I fought it I seemed to go faster and come to the end faster than I ever wanted to. My foot touched the white line and I stopped. Its over. I didn't cry then. I stretched by the table and watched the steam come off my body. Its cool I look like a smoldering beast, I like it anyway. I looked back, sighed and got in the truck. Thinking about it now, Its a perfect place to train because I still have the memory of walking there after Jude was born, looking at the runners and realizing my soul wanted to run even if my body couldn't. Now I run my last mile pre-marathon there, mind I didn't cry there today.
I got home, hubbs is in the kitchen when I get in the door, "How was it?". Now at this point I cried. "I can't believe it's over, I'm sad." Yeah I am twisted, I loved training for this. Everything about it.
Tomorrow morning we are packing up everyone to go to their respective sleep-overs, kids and dogs then we are leaving for Erie. If I don't go right to sleep I am hitting myself in the head with a frying pan and knocking myself out!

Ben Folds Live, Philosophy
http://youtu.be/UWzY1o-mJRw

still 3.

Can I just say I am getting pelted with good will and encouragement? Cause I am! Thanks Paula, really I feel loved. And honestly I would love to run with you someday!
I am getting all kind of love calls from friends I don't hear from everyday, just at the time when I needed it most. I love all you guys.

Second to None, Styles of Beyond

3.

So In avoidance of reality I started reading my own blog from the beginning. Something, honestly, I haven't done before. I started looking my reasons why I run, then I started to search for the point when I became more serious about my training. I say that because I am convinced at some point in time I grew into all of this, but I could find the seam. I keep looking I can't tell the point that happened, I guess because I have always been serious, even in the beginning when I had no idea what a 20 miler would feel like. One of the first posts really stuck out, this is cut and pasted: Saturday race: This is for all the people that think I can't do it. Especially me. That's from June 4, 2010. 
I can't believe how far I have come.

I got flowers today from my aunt that say Good Luck. And then my mom sent me a picture text- this is the sign infront of her beauty shop. And a blog mention from http://www.leannelately.com/Leanne that says You Can DOEEEEIIT! what I am I doing? I am basically pacing around my house when I should be packing. I have a house full of youngins tomorrow I gotta get all this done, but I am just frozen. I am sure I will snap out of it but it's 2:29pm and I am blogging, not packing! 


Silly Song: Sheep Go TO Heaven, CAKE

4.

Oh my!- four days left. The days are going fast like water through my fingertips. This morning I got up early and did a 3miler in the dark, I should have done another mile, because right now that is the only place I feel like I know what I am doing.
Today I dropped off kids at preschool(my oldest, and princess Sleeping Beauty of Ohioville). I yell to the teacher as I shut the door, "sorry I forgot about his homework!" I can't believe I did that, we were supposed to practice writing his name. I bow my head in shame and get back in the van. Hey at least I got them there with brushed teeth and all of their articles of clothing on correctly and clean! I then took my 2 year old to target to get a back pair of headphones, you know just in case, and bought some more grease for the race. I use Eucerin Cream, its only only stuff I have ever had any luck with, It took me 3 months to almost use up a whole tub. Anyways, I take the little one home, he plays mess up the house for awhile as I update my play list. I am right on time today to pick up the other 2 ankle biters, on monday I thought pick up time was 15 minutes earlier, yeah really. I must feed them, and then take them to the doctors office by 1:15pm to get my 2 flu shots. So we get Happy Donalds and eat at a play ground for 30 minutes exactly I then drill sargent them back to the van. Then we stop at my mothers for a peestop. I drill sargent all three of them to the bathroom and back to the van in 10minutes. We make it to the doctors office at exactly 1:08. We get in, sign in, and sit down. Its quiet for a flu clinic day, too quiet.....OH SHIT> its not the right day, that's next wednedsay. I look at my feet, my little one is taking his shoes off, the other two are walking on the waiting room chairs. Oh god I have finally lost it. How can I be so distracted that I actually did this? nice. Luckily the nurses there understand how crazy I am and give them the vaccines we came for anyway.
As I drove home from the doctors I rolled my eyes at myself. What an ass. A spazass. Feel free to leave LOL comments I know I know, I need to go back to bed and start over!

Pretty Handsome Awkward, The Used
(from transformers)

5.

So last night I got a massage and sat down for some good old mind numbing tv, what was on? Rocky. Of course it was. I think that they might be playing all the movies this week on AMC, perfect right?  We'll probably stay tuned to that channel after bed time this week.
Today I am cleaning out my kids drawers and putting away things from summer, digging out winter clothes. Its quiet an ordeal with my my hand me downs. I am fortunate to have 2 kids, same sex, exactly 2 years apart in clothing sizes. I emptied out the youngest's sock drawer today, there were infant socks still in there by oversite. They have both grown so much it's amazing. They are beautiful, I couldn't be anymore thankful for them than I already am, really they are gifts-I do meant that just to be their mom is more than I would have asked for. I am so blessed. So as I tear up over a lone onesie that shouldn't be in with the 3t's I listen to my little gifts scream about who gets to play with the Camero matchbox.

Naturally it just doesn't seem real. None of this does. The race is 5 days away, unbelievable. I mean really, I felt like I wayyyyyyyy over shot when I told people what I was going for, but when I say I will do something, assume it done. It's really just surreal. Life is moving on all around me. My kids are growing up, they don't need me like they did before, I know they still need me. The seasons are changing, the leaves are falling. Everyone's changed little by little over time, and really you don't notice until you compare. Like when you hold up and infant sock to a size 10 1/2. I have changed too. Suddenly what I worked at is starting to define me to others, I'm a runner now.  Even my kids notice now. Last week Miles said " I am going to run with my mom someday", he said it to hubbs, I was in the room I had to turn away because I started to cry. I hope he does someday, it would be awesome.
I am working on getting back into Marathon state of mind, I took a detour mentally and blocked it out. I am trying to remember all of it again to get me focused. Its been a crazy journey so far, I need to face it.

Gonna Fly Now, Rocky Theme- Remix, John x, 2006 Digital Remaster

6.

Day 6. My dad calls, to see how I am doing. I am delusional pretty much. I am totally blocking it out. I have washed my clothing for the race. I should be deep in thought trying to focus. And I am not, I mean not as I type this. Maybe it will change before I get to the end of this blog. I have no plan to even make sense as I type this.
This morning's run was spectacular, that's really all I have to say, accept I wish I could go longer. I am running wednesday and friday and that's it until the race.

Attached is a picture of my feather as requested, goodness I'm a giant dork.

song for today: Stroke 9, Kick Some A**

7.

Its 5:15am. Just woke up to go to work. I spend the whole day at work busy. I came home tired. My left quad was tight, so I decided not to push it. Skip the run, and go for a banana split with my husband after we bought toilet paper in bulk....we are soooooo interesting.

Weezer, Perfect Situation

8.

its 6:00am. I am leaving for work. A welcomed distraction. I usually run on Saturday Mornings but its all different. I'll run in the evening.....
8 days left. Holy. Shit.

8 Days a Week, The Beatles

9.

9- I have more toes than that! Deep breaths.

I got my arm warmers in yesterday. I got a pair of Pearl Isumi ones, primarily for awesomeness. I also picked up my shirts yesterday. I picked up mine at the shop and got all goofy and said "that's so awesome!". I meant it too.
I am SO nervous.
So today on the first day of preschool, along with a gym workout for my youngest and I I decided to be busy. Example for your review...


Song for the day: Jamiriquai, Canned Heat

10.

In the countdown! The plan for the day is rest, and hydrate. I don't want to do either. I don't want to be home. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything. This is seriously wicked.
Today mom put a feather extension in my hair, and called it my Tawanda feather, for the race. I guess we could talk about my momma. To describer her in one word, its not possible. I will share a few memories instead. This is just a few that pop into my head, there are tons but we know you all have lives.
As a child I have tons of memories of beautyshops. I understand now it was because she had to work and we had to be around too, but then I just thought that's where I hung out. As a girl it was awesome. I used to get to paint my nails with any color I wanted, and talk with the girls as they got their hair did. My mom was the coolest, and all of my girlfriends thought so. As a tween I came with her almost every Saturday just cause it was fun.
When I was 16 or so my mom encouraged me to have a slumber party with my friends. She was a single lady working hard to take care of me and my bro (14 months apart), but still this was her idea. We ended up with about 20 girls, and my brother. Not only did she let us take over the house, she also provided a case of toilet paper from a bulk store. Not only DID we toilet paper a nearby teacher's house, she helped.
As a college student, I was struggling with bills and school and work. Everyday she would leave me 5 dollars in a bible in her nightstand just in case I needed it.
I was dropped off at her beauty shop at 2pm the day I passed my last nursing final piss drunk and puking. I had gone out to lunch with my class and did Yeager shots to celebrate. I was at a different maturity level then of course at 21 years old. The shop had customers, the restaurant next door had people eating. I took the railing right at the window of the restaurant and puked. Then she helped me to the bathroom floor, and said lovingly "If you did this everyday I'd kick your ass". Then she shut the door and put an 'out of order' sign on the door.  She told the people next door I had the flu, after all it was early afternoon. I roll my eyes as I type this.
When we were planning my wedding there wasn't a ton of money for the reception, but the last week before the wedding she ordered not one but 2 limosines to drive us from the church to the hall as a suprise.
Probably one of my saddest memories was hugging her goodnight on the night before my wedding, my last night at home. Knowing I wasn't a kid anymore and after that night things would change forever, and that there was no way to stop it.
When I had my first baby, I was way too private about everything, and naturally being super overweight nakedness was quiet a phobia, still is. In fact I didn't want any family around when he was born, I just wanted Ryan and I. This of course upset her because she wanted to be there for me but she accepted how independent I needed to be. I remember my first real wave of zinger contractions, I wanted my mom. I never told her that. But I do remember as I got my epidural thinking how I couldn't believe she went through all that for me with no medication because she was afraid it would hurt me. I think that's when I really saw her for the first time, even if she wasn't there with me.
I see my mom all the time. Some times the people closest to us can be the ones that don't get the best of you. We don't always get along, maybe its because its a solid connection that we feel free to bicker. But she has watched my kids every Wednesday since march, put up with my shit, laughed with me,cried with me, all because I felt the need to pin on a race number, and she respected that. You don't have to tell my mom is best, I already know.
 
Mom Jam: Bob Seger, Old Timer Rock and Roll

Earth to Manda....Earth to Manda....

I just published just the title of the blog before I began typing, that's how distracted I am. I am on some other planet. The long run today was okay. My feet and my lungs decided to play nice, my brain was somewhere completely different. I kept loosing my pace, really just drifting off into oblivion.
I started out with an 8/m pace for the first mile-STOOPID. I don't know what I thought I was doing. Every morning I go to the track, some other tool is just getting there in the dark and today my crazy ass thought, I'll be damned if he laps me again. Yeah I got 3/4 of a mile into it before he dusted me. Hes like 2 foot taller, I think I lost all common sense, when he came past I actually dug in and sprinted a few strides before I remembered how short my legs are. I laugh about it as I type it, endorphin overload! I didn't even have the breath to blurt out good morning, he probably thought I was scary and will be adjusting his run times. By the time I was about to pass the truck I slowed to take off my jacket and stuff. By stuff I mean I was dicking around today. I didn't put on my fuel belt until mile 3 when I got my faster laps out of my system. I didn't want to wear it, I hate how fat it makes me feel, and not to mention the rope burn it gives me. I ran a little too fast early on so I had to stop and stretch a few times. Also I had to make 2 porta john stops the innards would not cooperate today. I am not sleeping well, and hold the phone, I am  not eating either. I just don't care. I am not hungry. I am hydrated, but that's about it. So after I stop and put on my belt I took off through the park, I felt like I was dragging my self to keep up with my space cadet mind. I was thinking about all kinda nutty stuff.

I was day dreaming about things that will never happen. Those dreams remain confidential, but I'll tell you they are insane. I obsess too, more than usual about dumb shit.  I would have just kept on plodding along if I wasn't in a taper,  and I mean for like ever. Things I did think of that I'll share: All we are is dust in the wind, wow that's deep. 11 fricken days. I wish my boobs looked better than this, I am getting old. Thank god for rainy days. Wow I almost got hit by a car. I wonder if they will cancel that meeting at work today. I wonder when my arm warmers will get here. I am sad training is almost over. Why is this the only time I feel truly free? I like that the kids like the song Disturbia, its cute. This park is so pretty no matter the season. I wonder when it will snow, I can't wait to get my underarmor cold gear back on its slimming. I am molasses from Kenya. I wish my friends weren't hurt. I am sort of sad. I have so much to be thankful for. Wow the sides of these roads are so washed out. What is god's plan for me? What am I doing here? I wish I could just stay out all day. I am spoiled for getting to do all of this. I bet you I gross out people. What the hell am I thinking? What did I get myself into. I am shy. I talk too much. I really should never stop running. 11 more day of this I and I am going to turn into a monkey throwing poop at the zoo, I need to snap out of it.

Ben Folds, Best Imitation of Myself

festering

12 days and counting. I am not myself. I am clenching my jaw. I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything. I don't have much to say except for I'M FREAKING OUT MAN!
I keep taking deep breaths and sighs trying to relax, I just feel super tense. I am so close...stress is coming out every orafice of my body. That's the facts folks. So if I seem quiet, or not excited I am just panicky quiet to myself. How can I not think about this?
I have been approached a lot more about running lately and I am trying not to seem like I don't want to talk about it, I do but as soon as I start I have stress build up and it shuts my mouth. Its cool everyone around is excited I just wish I could relax and join them.

Let it Be, Carol Woods
(Across the Universe)

There she goes again.

So I was really feeling pretty good about myself this week. I really was. 20 miler demolished, legs intact, planning the rest of the race in my mind, I really WAS feeling good. It only takes one thing to remind me of how to feel bad - ask me when I am going to have my baby that I am not pregnant with.
Really! I was at work, busy, wearing brand new scrubs thinking I was looking pretty good. Then out of now where one of the aids, (not a patient with bad eyes), asked if I was pregnant. I said no, and she said "come on, seriously?", and I said no again, and she said "come on, cause then I'll feel bad".  Well, hope you do then. I don't think I have ever asked someone I hardly knew, let alone a superior at work, something so personal. I didn't have time to get upset but you better believe I became instantly pissy. Well probably on the inside I was, I try not to take my bad mood out on others, that's uncool.

Recounting the events of a very crazy night at work to hubbs today, I got all emotional. Basically the thought process is, I am in the best shape of my life, but I am stuck with all this goo on my abdomen that I haven't been able to get rid of and its frustrating. I have to psych myself up for just about every race to line up with these little skinny winners, and give my little trash talking swagger to cover up my insecurity. That really is something I will always have to work on. And its on my worry to do list for the Marathon too. I have my insecurities and I will have to bury them again once more. It would be so much easier if it wasn't like picking a scab of sorts, it's not even me aggrivating it. I mind my own business, I even dress respectable and someone brings me way down. I guess the hardest part of all this is being a woman through it all. I used to be attractive to the opposite sex, now, exluding hubbs, I am just not. I am not looking for anything, I am happily married, but a long time ago shooting 'em down used to remind me that I was still pretty. Now men stare through me, and young ones call me Ma'am at starbucks even when I am not driving a minivan or toting my adorable kids. I really do have everything I need, a man who loves me, an awesome family, awesome friends, a career, I can run... I am very close to tackling a dream... it all adds into awesome and happy.
I know we have all stared off into the distance and thought about if we waive a magic wand what would happen. I guess making my nasty belly disappear would be one of the first things. Reality shines light on that daydream, it ain't happening. Its expensive, I have way too much to hold up to be that selfish financially, and its dangerous, and there is a ton of reasons why not. The only reason to would be to get rid of it and stop dealing with good intentioned people with diarrhea of the mouth. Most days I am enough of a fighter to just brush it off, maybe even laugh at something so superficial.  Yesterday that was not one of those days. 

Ben Folds, Still Fighting It

16 days and counting...and re couting....again...

I am getting excited, and more nervous. I got my pair of racing shoes today in from Lloyds so tomorrow I can start wearing em in. I did my workout 1hour of elliptical. I fell just fine. I got my massage/beating as asked for. I am doing good. I have all mine little minor booboos and they are all healing up. Sometimes I think after 20.76 miles I should not be saying I feel good, because it doesn't seem possible. Its totally possible, back to business as usual, except for the vast black hole of thinking of all sorts of possibilities with this darn race and planning for it. This is pretty cool. Run at dark thirty tomorrow.

This is a picture of my swollen little piggies 2 days after 20, yes I got my shoes on for my workout amazingly!
Song: SING, My Chemical Romance

Life after 20

So yeah its 20.76, but who's counting. I thought I would write about yesterdays fun experience with recovery from 20. This is not a complaint, its just what happened. I am still a little shocked how fast time has progressed and I have already completed my longest training run, not to mention the race is 17 days away *holyshit*.
So when I got home I made it to the icebath with all of the ice in my freezer and a couple dixie cups and a blue brick. I honestly grunted just about the whole time, my left ass cramped, but the ice felt wonderful on my toes. My left ass is still hurting, I can't wait to explain that one to Nathan, my massage therapist. He's young, and I am old and gross. I can barely look him in the eye at all, I am that shy. I am going to have to answer the What hurts question....with my left ass, fantastic how embarrassing.
I ate a small bit of lasagne, about half a karmelSutra Ben and Jerrys and Some canned soup with crackers. That's the whole day besides GU and a Protien bar in the ice bath, I just couldn't get it in, I felt sick. I still feel a little queasy but I am eating again.
I wore a heavy hoodie and sweat pants with compression socks, all day. I was cold with out them. There a slits in my compression socks for my flip flops.
I watched Spirit of the Marathon on dvd, on my back in bed, with my water bottle under my arm. I cried, it was a good movie. But you know what everything made me cry yesterday. My hubbs called and I cried, for no reason.
I didn't have the kids literally all day, thank you OHMOSTBEAUTIFULMOTHER, but I didn't sleep. When they came home I got down on the floor to dress my kids after their baths, and then I couldn't get back up without assistance. :) The kids were missing me and they crawled all over me and my legs, a test of endurance for sure.
At 7pm I feel asleep for 2 hours and woke up looking for hubbs, he had fallen asleep in our oldest's room, something he does all the time, but I wait 20 minutes and go get him. Sorry honey. After that is was toss and turn all night trying to find a happy place in bed. I finally decided my ass hurt enough for bengay, and then slept on my stomach. At 1 am I woke up with a hot flash, decided I should try and eat something. Karmel Sutra is GONE. Oh Hubbs, how could you do me like that? Haha.Well probably just as well I ate another protien bar and some crackers, and was actually able to go back to sleep, but with minimal clothing on.
Ouchies, I got em. My tail bone again. Chafe there and under my boobs and my waist from my fuel belt. Blisters, which seem minor at this point, on just about every toe. My left ass area, sitting on the toilet HURTS. But sitting on a padded chair is not that bad. My IT band on the right is now making me aware of it. Also my weak ankle on the right is bothering me so I got it wrapped, I think I twisted it yesterday, but not swelling. My toes are super tender, but I'm good. I am actually surprised that's it.
Tomorrow is a new day, I am scheduled for a cross train, probably eliptical as long as my ass is feeling alright. Then I go to the Nathan for a massage so he can hurt me good. Saturday a run, Monday a run, then tues cross train and wednesday only 10miler. I don't know where all this time is going!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eye of The Tiger, Survivor