So I was really feeling pretty good about myself this week. I really was. 20 miler demolished, legs intact, planning the rest of the race in my mind, I really WAS feeling good. It only takes one thing to remind me of how to feel bad - ask me when I am going to have my baby that I am not pregnant with.
Really! I was at work, busy, wearing brand new scrubs thinking I was looking pretty good. Then out of now where one of the aids, (not a patient with bad eyes), asked if I was pregnant. I said no, and she said "come on, seriously?", and I said no again, and she said "come on, cause then I'll feel bad". Well, hope you do then. I don't think I have ever asked someone I hardly knew, let alone a superior at work, something so personal. I didn't have time to get upset but you better believe I became instantly pissy. Well probably on the inside I was, I try not to take my bad mood out on others, that's uncool.
Recounting the events of a very crazy night at work to hubbs today, I got all emotional. Basically the thought process is, I am in the best shape of my life, but I am stuck with all this goo on my abdomen that I haven't been able to get rid of and its frustrating. I have to psych myself up for just about every race to line up with these little skinny winners, and give my little trash talking swagger to cover up my insecurity. That really is something I will always have to work on. And its on my worry to do list for the Marathon too. I have my insecurities and I will have to bury them again once more. It would be so much easier if it wasn't like picking a scab of sorts, it's not even me aggrivating it. I mind my own business, I even dress respectable and someone brings me way down. I guess the hardest part of all this is being a woman through it all. I used to be attractive to the opposite sex, now, exluding hubbs, I am just not. I am not looking for anything, I am happily married, but a long time ago shooting 'em down used to remind me that I was still pretty. Now men stare through me, and young ones call me Ma'am at starbucks even when I am not driving a minivan or toting my adorable kids. I really do have everything I need, a man who loves me, an awesome family, awesome friends, a career, I can run... I am very close to tackling a dream... it all adds into awesome and happy.
I know we have all stared off into the distance and thought about if we waive a magic wand what would happen. I guess making my nasty belly disappear would be one of the first things. Reality shines light on that daydream, it ain't happening. Its expensive, I have way too much to hold up to be that selfish financially, and its dangerous, and there is a ton of reasons why not. The only reason to would be to get rid of it and stop dealing with good intentioned people with diarrhea of the mouth. Most days I am enough of a fighter to just brush it off, maybe even laugh at something so superficial. Yesterday that was not one of those days.
Ben Folds, Still Fighting It
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