D-A-m_N-I-T.

I surely did complete my 20 miler yesterday. I did enjoy myself too. The days highlights included a near heart attack when In a portapotty realizing that the rock in the crack between the door and the floor had a eye and was staring at ME! I am pretty sure that was a snake, that's right I not only do I run 20 milers; I look a snake right in the eye and then fling my self out of a porta john not quite all the way dressed to find a biker smoking a cigarette and waiting his turn. Yep then I very coolly tied my skapri and trotted off, like I just always do that. Never mind the next 10 minutes of mental holy shit thoughts, I am a pro.
 I ended this run at 20.39 and I had serious doubts about being super prepared for Erie. Something was just not making sense, not adding up. I thought I planned at 22 miler. I feel better trained then, why didn't i do that? At inopportune times I was thinking of this, like in bed trying to sleep, or at work not near a calendar or my schedule, I would just dust it off and think it's just another manda spazz, this is fun remember?- leave it alone.   Well I was right. I was wrong! It is 3 freaking weeks to the day from today. I did my longest run too early. I CANT believe myself. I did a 20 miler too early. Endurance leaves you 2 weeks from last exertion. Ladies and Gentlemen you should never do a 4.5 hour run with out being very very very meticulous. Really I was. I did everything correct. I just did it a week early. Mom always comes last- I should be so lucky to just still be training, so many women I know don't have a hobby or even peace time, I am trying to not beat myself up too much.  My boys ARE ready for school to start this week, and so am I. I have been so worried about that. And we are going camping again before the race, girl has lists longer than the days of things to do, and I have to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night for 3 weeks, it's a must.
So the plan is, a 22 this weekend, either Friday or Monday. Against my philosophy completely. I don't like longs back to back, this is inviting my creative ways for problems. Adding drama to the plot, "will she or won't she" ( da da dahhhhh-soap opera organ) I am healthy at the moment. I do feel my left buttcheek/hip area and have since about 17 miles, but I was impressed with how well I felt, toes aren't beat up, I am up and down stairs doing laundry today- no Rocky theme needed. I feel fine. And my weight! It's 162 this am. I maintained my starting weight, that means I am not puffed, I usually gain like 8 pounds. That's weird.  Not really sure what to make of all this. I do think it's time for some nasty foam roller sessions, urgh. I am going to really just calm the hell down.

This is fun- keep it in mind.
Yoi.
Time for more shoes.
Onward.

20eve

So I have not been for a run since last Saturday.  I have been tired, battling allergies that never quit really they seemed so much worse. I have slept 9+ hours every night. Really not accomplished much but work and sleep. I have eaten my way I usually do, healthy and controlled. Luckily on my chair week at work, I rested there too. Around Wednesday and Thursday I started to feel the panicky tug that I should try to run and see how I feel, but I went with my gut and stayed resting. I feel that I needed that solid block of just nothing but rest. I am feeling mental ready again. I am preparing my house, my gear, getting my stuff in order for a big old run fest tomorrow.

This IS the fun part of training, the work.
Praying for a nice long run tomorrow with plenty of smiles, sweat, dirt, and peace. 

Onward. 

On bailing.

Okay. I HAVE changed some. Yes I am still stubborn. There is no talking to me about most, but I have learned by experience that some days it would be smarter to just go home than to continue on a long run when I feel pain coming on. Yesterday I was to complete 8 by the book I used, 10 by my standards and plans, I ended my run at 7.5 miles. I am needing a break. I am not sure whats up with me. I could be getting sick, It may just be the huge influx of pollen/golden rod allergies, or a little bit of burnout setting in. Something is funky. Last time I felt yucky I didn't listen I got schooled.
 Yesterday I felt my Hip complain to my knee. I know that pain, it's IT band syndrome and it was only mild yesterday, a sign I need a break. Mentally and physically right now I am feeling wiped out. I am spreading myself a little too thin and I have letting my thoughts get negative. The last week I have been cranky, not very interested in food, and extra tired with no extra sleep. I am getting all sensitive as I do when I am beat up tired too. Everything gets to me and I get sarcastic.
At the 5 mile mark when I stopped to fill up my bottles, I reached for the tiger balm and untied my stretchy black pants and rubbed my sore hip with it, basically showed part of my butt cheek in public. I was also having to use my inhaler, a sign I am not having the best run.  I took off down the road and some where before 6 miles I decided this would be wise to turn around and call it for the day.
Reasoning being 20 miler is up next, and I have nothing to prove on a 50 cutback week. This is about recovery and rebuilding. This was also a test of mental toughness.  Surrendering for a day for the greater good is not something I find easy. I came home to shower, Hubbs, surprised to see me so soon, took one look at me and tears came. Yep sensitive and just tired. I laid around with my little ones and watched Disney Jr., took a nap, went to a car/plane show....moping everywhere.  Hubbs took me on a nice date too, bought me new clothes, fed me good food and took me to a drive in movie. And I promptly fell asleep in our turd of a minivan and he ended up watching a double feature alone.
I woke up less upset and feeling less sore today. I can attest to feeling like quitting completely yesterday, I even discussed it with Hubbs. There is just so much in my life right now, it doesn't feel very smart at this point.  That's all part of it though, it's go time, and it's almost over that's why it's getting ugly up in here.  I am not hurt, just pooped, I am still going.
I have a plan. No work outs only stretching and ice until at least Wednesday, I may rest all the way up to Saturday if warranted. I will be foam rolling again, and working on sleeping. My diet lately has been good but I am going to try to extra hydrate and eat clean. I am considering not weighing in for a while. My weight has fluctuated so much over the last week even, 6 pounds last week up and down again. My current low water weight for the last 2 weeks is 162- also super upsetting. I was 156 in May!!!! My legs are enormous, I am hungry all the time, I want to loose weight not freaking gain it. I had this upsetting problem last year. This the mental shit that stacks up on the marathon CON list. My body is preparing. I am taking a mini break for a few days, hoping to cash in on the rest benefits for both body and soul.
So I bailed yesterday, and then I cried, I thought about quitting, today I am not doing any of those things.
Onward.

a quick....18.

Yesterday I got my 18 done. I feel just fine. I felt a little slow being under the weather with my period but I am actually a little faster than last year. After the run, ice bath, shower and rest we went to a pig roast. Today I am doing all kinda crap I haven't been getting to, cleaning out my purse, laundry, organizing, preparing the boys for school and such. So I feel a little puffy/a lot puffy but I am kinda surprised how lazy I am not being....
I am sure I could of written a few stories about yesterday but I am going a motor on, I am nesting for the school year.

I wish you all peace on your Sunday.

Onward

a contact high of awesomeness.

Tonight. At the gym. After a plain old boring ass day. Work- typicalness, kids- up to the usual cuteness, dinner- spaghetti night, gym after kids bedtime- obligatory pms I am uglychunk set of run and weights.  I really have been feeling just okay. Getting in my rut, training is going just as it should, other than a few minor physical hurdles it's been routine, I have been in blinder mode. I let myself goof around tonight and sing while I ran on the treadmill because I would rather be outside dodging bugs and sunshine than in the gym near the weights that I hate to do. But if I do legs and abs once a week, I consider that runners injury insurance so I do it. Ramble on...ramble... I made it fun, considering the every 3 step tug at my drawls, capris growing to pants...always something to do to make the treadmill less boring. I call it -keep your pants on and up and don't let anyone notice.

Looking around, on the treadmill, yanking my pants up I see a new face come in the door. It's a guy, a big guy. He's wearing a work uniform and he goes into the dressing room. He comes out dressed to work out and I pay attention. He's new. He's being shown around the machines. He's also really obese. I watch as he goes through the machines and does reps. I find myself really impressed. He's serious about this, my heart grows for this guy. I want to run over and throw my arms around him for just coming in the door, and watching him struggle brought back so much for me. I kept about my business but I watched him out of the corner of my eye. I had been working out for about an hour, and he's still here working hard, I smile at him- probably too big.... be cool manda....don't scare him.... I fight the urge to introduce myself.  He's kicking ass, in my opinion at this time, he should be close to done but he's still fighting. I started to get electric memory flashes of the beginning of my battle, trying to run on the side of the road, people yelling rude things at me. This battle is one I still fight. STILL. (damn the last 5)I always felt alone at the gym. ALWAYS. I walked over. I introduced myself. I asked if he started tonight, he tells me this is his fourth night, I congratulate him, tell him I am proud of him, and hit a fist pound. I felt stupid, but he deserves the encouragement. I struggled to get in that gym door for a long time before I got up the nerve to walk through it. I kindly nod him out the door and stare off, a back of someones shirt said "We came here to conquer", yes dude we sure the hell did. Anytime you need a friend at the gym, I am it, I respect your journey and I thank you for reminding me of mine. 
For many reasons I let myself go a long time ago, it's the past, but it's still resonating.  I remember feeling so scared to try, but like I had nothing to loose. It was hard to see myself as everyone else did, but once I accepted that no lie I told about my weight would protect me from what others could see or make me like myself, I chose honesty and it changed my life. Tonight I watched someone embracing the same and I have to tell you I am still inspired.

So here's to big dreams. Never Give UP.
Onward.