The last blog of many.

I was out running yesterday day thinking about life in general and I got a beam of sun through the trees. This really was an interesting sight. It was falling leaves, barren branches, green grass, and frost on the ground, I could see my breath, and the sun was warm, all seasons at once. I could hardly see. It was beautiful and also sort of dangerous. I had to turn around for a minute to adjust my eyes, the park looks just gorgeous this time of year. I turned back into the blinding confusing light run my course home, because I needed to go there, home. It would have just been easier to run away from the light but that's not my style.

  I am back to running around like my crazy self. I am working out, and running again. I am back at it. I haven't been blogging because I haven't had anything to say. I have been thinking. I don't have a future really planned right now for a race, even though previous plans stated otherwise. I am becoming a fly by night runner, always trained signing up at the last moment.... I am not injured, and I am sure as hell not quitting.

 I am one pound from my original goal weight of 155. This could happen tomorrow morning. It could happen next week, it may never happen. I may go right past it. I know balloons aren't going to fall from the sky. In fact, I am kinda sad. it's been 4 and a half years.

things I learned from this:
1 Being honest will change your life.
2 If your are uncomfortable with yourself you have no excuse not to try, it's more awkward for everyone else when you won't try things because you feel inadequate.
3 laugh
4 smile no matter what
5 if you are sad you shouldn't eat.
6 if you are scared, anxious, angry, don't eat.
7 food is not a pacifier.
8 fast foot will kill you.
9 human spirit is amazing.
10 consistency is so important. I maintained several times it was so frustrating!
11 any chubby kid can become a marathon runner if they want.

This is my last blog. I am going to leave this up for any one who wants to read my misspelled rants, it was a party the whole way through. Even if only a handful read it I have felt really loved and supported through everything, thank you, I love you.

I do, Love you guys.

still working on computer tablet is wack have a lovely week

reorganization

So this week I mentioned I did not take a day off. ERH MEH GERD. After the race, walked to the car, washed at the hotel went home and went to my bed. I didn't really sleep I just laid there. My mom made us dinner at my house and I ate stuffed peppers and mashed potatoes in my bed, and watched transformers with my guys. Before I knew it, it was time for work. Nothing fit. All of my clothes felt too tight. I just put on my ugliest set of scrubs and resigned to I.D.G.R.A and at least I was going. It's all part of the race I think. Can you run a marathon, walk to the car, and then the next day do your life as normal? Yes, yes I can but I felt like garbage. I have really slid through this week by the grace of god where it comes to just keeping up with life. I was fortunate to be at a desk this week and I felt relaxed and ready to do my job, but the rest-er forget it. It's all been like leadshoes have been on my legs. Cleaning, nope. Shopping, nope. All I could do to help the shorties with dressing and doing homework. It really had been a test on my mental strength, I am just tired now not sore at all. I am feeling much better now, almost like I am ready to hit the gym but I am going to stay out a few more days. No running for 20 more days. I am resting from running 26 days. I have lost 5 lbs this week, sure to be fluid retention from the race, my legs are still feel a little puffy. Clothing is starting to fit better, not quite there yet. My face swelled a little this time too, odd.

This weekend is dedicated to damage control, I get caught up around here. I am calling my girlfriends too, it has been too long.

onward...soon.

The Erie Hat Trick

I know I left you all hanging for a week but girlfriend had serious issues getting it together. I did not miss a minute of work this week and I dropped my computer on my foot sunday evening, breaking it. It's dead waiting for new parts. So here's a synapse of my 3rd full Marathon from sunday 9-15-13.

Saturday night getting to Erie and trying to scrape together my wits went ok. I wasn't prepared 50 percent. It had been busy adjusting to the start of school at my house, dealing with the kids and the new change in their lives will change everyone elses as we attempted to do first grade homework and figure out a routine we have been met with some resistance, naturally. I hadn't really packed, or shopped. By saying this we even had to buy soap in Erie because we were out, busy, amen. I describe myself as pigpen doing the freak, I have been, disorder heightens my anxiety, girl has been trippin'. So at the dinner table, we chose Boston's restaurant, I cried. I felt guilty all year really for my new job, it's been rough on mom, the kids are well adjusted now I still feel kinda sad, I am sure I was put up to the marathon to really snap me out of it, but sometimes it makes feeling guilty amplified...So I cried talking about it. I bring it up because I think that's what's changing my whole demeanor. I am trying so hard, the running hasn't hurt me, it's helped, but everything still a little off. Thus my quietness. We went back to the room sullen and quiet, hubbs stayed up for ever trying to update my playlist while I slept.
I woke up with my alarm, we got up like firefighters dressed and jumped out the door only to arrive super early. We heard enrollment went way up we wanted to be prepared. We had time to sit on a picnic bench and freeze in the dark together, it was fun. The race started and we all ran down the road like we normally do. The first 10k was pretty good. I loosened up finally. After the first 8 miles it became a party. It was a lot of fun, I think this is the point I just started to sing aloud with my head phones. Not just a few words I mean just belting it out. I think something temporarily snapped, I let me be me and it had been too long. I was getting eyebrow raises and smiles, yes this girl just IS crazy, and HAPPY. At the halfway point before I crossed over the chip timer there was a crowd I slowed a little to look for my family, they kids might be there at that point, but they are small 6 and 4 years old I wasn't getting my hopes up, I didn't see them I crossed the timer pad -beepbeep and kept on, figured they had to go potty or wanted to see the water. And then, I saw them.  Sitting on a curb with hubbs and my mom and I let out a sob. A dry one, but a sob. It was so good to see them. They didn't look bored at all, they were excited. I stopped and kissed each one and all of the sudden I just felt great. I kept singing the whole way. I was never alone the whole race there was always someone to talk to, I met some really cool people. When they would ask me how I was feeling I would tell them "I am great, my babies are here today"! It charged me up. At the 3rd 10k point they were there too. As I continued at that point I met a lady named Laura, she was a marathon maniac she tours the country on the weekends with her husband and is in a club that runs all 50 states. Her husband has MS and they are just running as long as they can, he wasn't with her, he's faster. She really made mile 22 and 23 easy. She was cool, I can't believe she does all that, I think one marathon a year is tough. I would like to share she is 60. I think she is tough as nails. At mile 23 my personal favorite water stop with a winnebago and a sound system was playing club music, I actually stopped and shook my groove thang for a moment. At this point I thought my GPS watch was not working right, I was making ok time, probably just pushed a wrong button like at Pittsburgh. I kept on, I felt great, I sang the whole marathon. And I became a cheerleader at the end. I was cheering the others I passed waving my arms. It was great.
The Finish was the best part for me. The kids were there and my mom and husband let them run with me through the finish line. The both had blackeyed susans pulled out by the root for me and they were so excited. I will never forget that. And I hope they never do either. They made it so much better than finishing any marathon could ever be. I just hope that maybe think someday they can do big things too. I don't think I can find the words to express how cool it was or how much I love them.

I just want to thank my husband and my mom for being there and helping me pull this off.
 I also appreciate my in laws for watching our dogs while were gone, that's a whole other rodeo!

ps. I was faster this year. My chip time 5:12:55. Over all clock 5:14:01. last year was 5:28:31. Very impossible seeming to me, I trained like shit. But I was just on fire that day. :)

7 days to go

Why don't you run a marathon this year?
 I don't know, because it's just a lot from everyone.
 I know but you love this.
I do.
We'll make it work. Come on.
Ok. Twist my arm.


It was pretty much that easy to get me to sign up for Erie this summer, I wasn't going to. I was put up to this, a surely did not resist. Since that decision life has been water through the fingertips, slipping right through my fingertips. It's funny, because I am still deciding whether this was a good idea or not and it's almost over.
At this time next week I will already be on my way back home. It's less than a week away.
                               I am ready.
I often encounter people that say "I don't know how you do it" and this time I agree. I don't know either. My typical day is an early rise of 5, I get my self ready, I wake my kids and feed everyone, I pack 4 lunches, I have 3 dogs to deal with, I get my kids ready, then I drop one child off in one town, and one child in another and go to work. after work we do the same exact thing backwards, pick ups, go home, feed everyone, deal with animals, bath kids, dress for bed, unpack everything, and then THEN I exercise, and bed or just bed depending on the child care situation. Weekends are more fun and laid back when I do my distance training, and I do cleaning and fun stuff with the family, and buy more food units to consume. I don't watch tv because I sit down and fall asleep. I am not complaining that's just life right now. I will keep the pattern too once the race is over and the rest is done.
  But I do think this may be the last long distance race I do for a while. Kids just keep growing, it's their time to be kids. I will have 2 soccer players this year. I plan to run the shit out of this race, I am not going to be singing any should of could of would of's. This will be the one I lay it all out there.  I have felt tired and "over it" for a few weeks now, the one thing that keeps me going is that those kids are going to be there this year for the first time, and some day maybe, just maybe they will think their old mom was cool.

it's nothing full of nothing covering in nothing.

So what I am doing today? Nothing.
How far I have I run since Sunday? Nothing.

I was intentionally resting to taper down but my life caught caught in the spokes this week. I missed 2 runs this week. I couldn't get it in. There was not enough time on my scheduled days. One of those days I had a migraine, and I am not improvising this week. I already did way too many miles in one week the last week, and I have my farthest distance behind me. With all that being said, I feel lazy and like a blob of gu.

I plan to do 10 miles tomorrow and then 2 more short runs and that's all I have left before the race. 

Onward......eventually!!!!

22tude

Well I am doing just fine.
I did my 22miler that I very much doubted I should do. I went at a slower pace and from 15 on I stayed on the flat walking track and off the road and trails, I did it. I was in fantastic mood. Finally I feel  ready to marathon. Legs feel great.
Yeh, I was in a fantastic mood. Has something happened since then? No, not really. I am just starting my 2 week taper countdown and already I am becoming the little taco bell dog that bites people the try to pet it. I am not exactly sure why. I am still smiling, I am still civil, but my inner monologue is getting dark and sarcastic.

Same girl just tired and a wee bit more salty than normal....
           Today at the grocery store I wanted to get apples. A lovely lady with an adorable child where taking up the whole isle with a giant race car cart and they completely ignored my need for apples. I crop dusted them in cold blood. Mind you I am burning off some putrid fumes from Sunday, it would make a skunk's eye water. I am sorry, mom and child, that was me. That's really unlike me, I mean, yes it's like me to fart but, that was evil intent. I am also sorry for laughing too when you checked your child's diaper for poop.

 Taper has started with it's usual 'tude. Disclaimer: contents of package my be too hot to handle!

Big deep breaths, clamp down on tongue, maybe even cork both ends.
onward.

D-A-m_N-I-T.

I surely did complete my 20 miler yesterday. I did enjoy myself too. The days highlights included a near heart attack when In a portapotty realizing that the rock in the crack between the door and the floor had a eye and was staring at ME! I am pretty sure that was a snake, that's right I not only do I run 20 milers; I look a snake right in the eye and then fling my self out of a porta john not quite all the way dressed to find a biker smoking a cigarette and waiting his turn. Yep then I very coolly tied my skapri and trotted off, like I just always do that. Never mind the next 10 minutes of mental holy shit thoughts, I am a pro.
 I ended this run at 20.39 and I had serious doubts about being super prepared for Erie. Something was just not making sense, not adding up. I thought I planned at 22 miler. I feel better trained then, why didn't i do that? At inopportune times I was thinking of this, like in bed trying to sleep, or at work not near a calendar or my schedule, I would just dust it off and think it's just another manda spazz, this is fun remember?- leave it alone.   Well I was right. I was wrong! It is 3 freaking weeks to the day from today. I did my longest run too early. I CANT believe myself. I did a 20 miler too early. Endurance leaves you 2 weeks from last exertion. Ladies and Gentlemen you should never do a 4.5 hour run with out being very very very meticulous. Really I was. I did everything correct. I just did it a week early. Mom always comes last- I should be so lucky to just still be training, so many women I know don't have a hobby or even peace time, I am trying to not beat myself up too much.  My boys ARE ready for school to start this week, and so am I. I have been so worried about that. And we are going camping again before the race, girl has lists longer than the days of things to do, and I have to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night for 3 weeks, it's a must.
So the plan is, a 22 this weekend, either Friday or Monday. Against my philosophy completely. I don't like longs back to back, this is inviting my creative ways for problems. Adding drama to the plot, "will she or won't she" ( da da dahhhhh-soap opera organ) I am healthy at the moment. I do feel my left buttcheek/hip area and have since about 17 miles, but I was impressed with how well I felt, toes aren't beat up, I am up and down stairs doing laundry today- no Rocky theme needed. I feel fine. And my weight! It's 162 this am. I maintained my starting weight, that means I am not puffed, I usually gain like 8 pounds. That's weird.  Not really sure what to make of all this. I do think it's time for some nasty foam roller sessions, urgh. I am going to really just calm the hell down.

This is fun- keep it in mind.
Yoi.
Time for more shoes.
Onward.

20eve

So I have not been for a run since last Saturday.  I have been tired, battling allergies that never quit really they seemed so much worse. I have slept 9+ hours every night. Really not accomplished much but work and sleep. I have eaten my way I usually do, healthy and controlled. Luckily on my chair week at work, I rested there too. Around Wednesday and Thursday I started to feel the panicky tug that I should try to run and see how I feel, but I went with my gut and stayed resting. I feel that I needed that solid block of just nothing but rest. I am feeling mental ready again. I am preparing my house, my gear, getting my stuff in order for a big old run fest tomorrow.

This IS the fun part of training, the work.
Praying for a nice long run tomorrow with plenty of smiles, sweat, dirt, and peace. 

Onward. 

On bailing.

Okay. I HAVE changed some. Yes I am still stubborn. There is no talking to me about most, but I have learned by experience that some days it would be smarter to just go home than to continue on a long run when I feel pain coming on. Yesterday I was to complete 8 by the book I used, 10 by my standards and plans, I ended my run at 7.5 miles. I am needing a break. I am not sure whats up with me. I could be getting sick, It may just be the huge influx of pollen/golden rod allergies, or a little bit of burnout setting in. Something is funky. Last time I felt yucky I didn't listen I got schooled.
 Yesterday I felt my Hip complain to my knee. I know that pain, it's IT band syndrome and it was only mild yesterday, a sign I need a break. Mentally and physically right now I am feeling wiped out. I am spreading myself a little too thin and I have letting my thoughts get negative. The last week I have been cranky, not very interested in food, and extra tired with no extra sleep. I am getting all sensitive as I do when I am beat up tired too. Everything gets to me and I get sarcastic.
At the 5 mile mark when I stopped to fill up my bottles, I reached for the tiger balm and untied my stretchy black pants and rubbed my sore hip with it, basically showed part of my butt cheek in public. I was also having to use my inhaler, a sign I am not having the best run.  I took off down the road and some where before 6 miles I decided this would be wise to turn around and call it for the day.
Reasoning being 20 miler is up next, and I have nothing to prove on a 50 cutback week. This is about recovery and rebuilding. This was also a test of mental toughness.  Surrendering for a day for the greater good is not something I find easy. I came home to shower, Hubbs, surprised to see me so soon, took one look at me and tears came. Yep sensitive and just tired. I laid around with my little ones and watched Disney Jr., took a nap, went to a car/plane show....moping everywhere.  Hubbs took me on a nice date too, bought me new clothes, fed me good food and took me to a drive in movie. And I promptly fell asleep in our turd of a minivan and he ended up watching a double feature alone.
I woke up less upset and feeling less sore today. I can attest to feeling like quitting completely yesterday, I even discussed it with Hubbs. There is just so much in my life right now, it doesn't feel very smart at this point.  That's all part of it though, it's go time, and it's almost over that's why it's getting ugly up in here.  I am not hurt, just pooped, I am still going.
I have a plan. No work outs only stretching and ice until at least Wednesday, I may rest all the way up to Saturday if warranted. I will be foam rolling again, and working on sleeping. My diet lately has been good but I am going to try to extra hydrate and eat clean. I am considering not weighing in for a while. My weight has fluctuated so much over the last week even, 6 pounds last week up and down again. My current low water weight for the last 2 weeks is 162- also super upsetting. I was 156 in May!!!! My legs are enormous, I am hungry all the time, I want to loose weight not freaking gain it. I had this upsetting problem last year. This the mental shit that stacks up on the marathon CON list. My body is preparing. I am taking a mini break for a few days, hoping to cash in on the rest benefits for both body and soul.
So I bailed yesterday, and then I cried, I thought about quitting, today I am not doing any of those things.
Onward.

a quick....18.

Yesterday I got my 18 done. I feel just fine. I felt a little slow being under the weather with my period but I am actually a little faster than last year. After the run, ice bath, shower and rest we went to a pig roast. Today I am doing all kinda crap I haven't been getting to, cleaning out my purse, laundry, organizing, preparing the boys for school and such. So I feel a little puffy/a lot puffy but I am kinda surprised how lazy I am not being....
I am sure I could of written a few stories about yesterday but I am going a motor on, I am nesting for the school year.

I wish you all peace on your Sunday.

Onward

a contact high of awesomeness.

Tonight. At the gym. After a plain old boring ass day. Work- typicalness, kids- up to the usual cuteness, dinner- spaghetti night, gym after kids bedtime- obligatory pms I am uglychunk set of run and weights.  I really have been feeling just okay. Getting in my rut, training is going just as it should, other than a few minor physical hurdles it's been routine, I have been in blinder mode. I let myself goof around tonight and sing while I ran on the treadmill because I would rather be outside dodging bugs and sunshine than in the gym near the weights that I hate to do. But if I do legs and abs once a week, I consider that runners injury insurance so I do it. Ramble on...ramble... I made it fun, considering the every 3 step tug at my drawls, capris growing to pants...always something to do to make the treadmill less boring. I call it -keep your pants on and up and don't let anyone notice.

Looking around, on the treadmill, yanking my pants up I see a new face come in the door. It's a guy, a big guy. He's wearing a work uniform and he goes into the dressing room. He comes out dressed to work out and I pay attention. He's new. He's being shown around the machines. He's also really obese. I watch as he goes through the machines and does reps. I find myself really impressed. He's serious about this, my heart grows for this guy. I want to run over and throw my arms around him for just coming in the door, and watching him struggle brought back so much for me. I kept about my business but I watched him out of the corner of my eye. I had been working out for about an hour, and he's still here working hard, I smile at him- probably too big.... be cool manda....don't scare him.... I fight the urge to introduce myself.  He's kicking ass, in my opinion at this time, he should be close to done but he's still fighting. I started to get electric memory flashes of the beginning of my battle, trying to run on the side of the road, people yelling rude things at me. This battle is one I still fight. STILL. (damn the last 5)I always felt alone at the gym. ALWAYS. I walked over. I introduced myself. I asked if he started tonight, he tells me this is his fourth night, I congratulate him, tell him I am proud of him, and hit a fist pound. I felt stupid, but he deserves the encouragement. I struggled to get in that gym door for a long time before I got up the nerve to walk through it. I kindly nod him out the door and stare off, a back of someones shirt said "We came here to conquer", yes dude we sure the hell did. Anytime you need a friend at the gym, I am it, I respect your journey and I thank you for reminding me of mine. 
For many reasons I let myself go a long time ago, it's the past, but it's still resonating.  I remember feeling so scared to try, but like I had nothing to loose. It was hard to see myself as everyone else did, but once I accepted that no lie I told about my weight would protect me from what others could see or make me like myself, I chose honesty and it changed my life. Tonight I watched someone embracing the same and I have to tell you I am still inspired.

So here's to big dreams. Never Give UP.
Onward.

TAPS for P.I. Warmers.

I am  happy to report there has been no recurrence of migraine yet. Today I played smart. I was up at dawn for my 16. I was actually chilly enough to wear my arm warmers when I started cause the sun was just up. I was determined to not let it get ugly. I have been having some belly issues, and I really don't want or like food right now, but I was right on point with my fuels and hydrates and I even ate jerky every 5 miles.
This bellyache stayed with me the entire time. I eventually told it to wait in line, and ignored it. Until about mile 5. I had to go it would not be ignored any longer. It was a matter of asking myself did I want to spend the next 2 hours saying igottapoopigottaigottapoopgottapukeshootshootshooootme or did I want to just rip the bandaid off. I grabbed a portapotty it's foul, lets do this, quickly. I get done and there is no toilet paper. NO. 11 more miles left, expletive insert here. I look around and sigh, do I really want bumcrack chafe? Finaly snap decision I exit the porta potty one less pearl izumi arm warmer....really. Comfort is key, for days and days to come, another running first. If I told 6 years ago me that I would poop in a portapotty let alone, do what i did...I would get mad and walk away. Why do I share this? Because I am a little left of normal, not quite in the suburbs of nutty, and I thought it was funny.
I saw almost all my brady's run runner friends today. Saw some four mile crew,  I smacked Jenn on the butt before she saw me, and on the way to 14 Cherish popped out of nowhere said hello and really lifted my spirits.  I love that duck poop encrusted park, I feel peaceful there, its home. It's beautiful right now too. I took time to look up and around. A light rain came in around 14 and keep going until I finished, I actually thanked God out loud, he spoils me. I am healthy, legs feel great, and still in the game.
Attached is a picture of my first purple nail. This toe did not bother me at all during. It still is not tender, can't wait to see all the colors it turns. :) I am such a freak! 

Onward 16.5 done

A royal pain in the.... head.

So a few 2 weeks ago I did 14.5 miles. It was a hot day. Nothing seemed right, I felt tired and mother nature was having her way with me. It got done, it was ugly. By Monday I started to feel kinda weird, after lunch I got dizzy. Then nauseated. By the time my coworkers took me home it was the worst headache. I laid down on my bed. I did not moved, eat or drink for almost 24 hours. This bought me a stay in hospital infact, I lost a few days, i really don't remember too much. I didn't/couldn't eat, was probably dehydrated, and my headache was a migraine. I got an MRI of the brain, I was told the plumbing was fine, and was given medicine for it.  I made it back to work by Friday. You better believe I was wanting to know if running made this happen, I was worried it did. And I am terrified that would come back, I really want to know if there is anyway to know what causes them. Really there is no way to know until they happen more, a touch and feel sort of thing. Because there is not a  cause that medicine is aware of, but you can do things to provoke them. I took the next weekend easy. I ran/walked 2 miles with my dog. I was so afraid it was going to come back. Its long gone and I feel totally normal. It's just weird how that happens.
 I thought for the longest time the term migraine was baloney, nope its a whole different zip code of pain. I am have been gansta style humbled.

Kicking a bird

Well Happy July to Y'all.
We went away the next day after the thigh-gina monologues.  I am happy to report camping with my family went off with out too much drama, well except for the two children waking up with pink eye that morning of the day we left! I love going out of town to hold my kids down to give them drops, I am sure the sounds from our cabin were that of bloody murder. We went anyway. We also took my mom and brother along for weekend and we(hubs and I) offered to sleep in a tent to make room in the cabin. It rained both nights. I slept out doors, in the rain, on the ground, more specific on a rock.And on Saturday morning I managed to fry my runners farmer tan with a sunburn.  The weekend seemed to be doubtful of any chance to do my 12 miler. I felt like my butt was behind my ear all night, and I still had to sling smores and crap home on Sunday. We finally make it home Sunday, dump every bit of garbage down in the middle of the floor and I forced my rock dented ass out the door. 12 done and done.This next week was much warmer, and muggier. We had a shorter work week and had the forth of July traditions to celebrate. On the holiday the kids each sustained little injuries, that had nothing to do with fireworks! (a dog bite for one, and 20 splinters for the other). I was guilty on the fourth of having several patriot jello shots because frankly it would be unAmerican  not to. Later that night we took the kids to the fireworks for the first time. We got there 10 minutes before scheduled kick off time and pulled up just to see the finale go off, they must have started them earlier because of possible bad weather, at least they had no base for comparison to be disappointed! They thought it was magical. HA!
The training is still going off without issue. This last Saturday I cracked out 7 as planned, gearing up to do 14 this weekend.   I think I am a little tired just from the last few weeks. Sleeping out doors with this chick's allergies doesn't help either, I am sure my immune system had to call out the swat team to fight all the crap in my system, it's probably slowing me down. My legs feel great, the lungs don't always want to go. We have had some shitified air quality days and I have had to bust out my inhaler and walk during my run. During my long run this week it was pudding thick air. I think I got a little delirious, I didn't really relax until almost halfway through. In a fit of dehydration or something I was trotting along and a robin hopped on to the trail from the bushes. I nearly missed it with my foot. I didn't try to kick it, let me be clear, and I did not kick it. Matter of fact in my delirium I started to secretly panic. Oh my god I wonder if it's illegal to kick a bird?  I like birds, as long as I am not out numbered. I almost kicked a freakin bird! That's awful, what are you laughing at? You sick beeoch you think that's funny. You need to get your ass home and drink some water. I hope a bird kicks you back.    Yeah really I thought that. And sadder still, I keep thinking about it and smile a little because it is just so outerlimits.

 I love marathon season.
Onward.

The thigh-gina monologues

Inspired by tonight's horrific trial of hand me down running shorts on a hilly trail run, here are my thoughts as they rolled out:
Well maybe this won't be so bad once I get moving faster and sweat up....Good thing I am running in the woods cause these shorts have turned into daisy dukes...noooooooo ....shit...people....quick keep your form up high like you are serious and just sprint....ouch.....no really ouch.....at what point Amanda, did you think the loose skin on your thighs had absorbed? You ass, you are moving so much flesh right now on your thighs, you might put your damn back out. you alrready knew this would probably not work out......well don't slow down now and try to pick it out you are stupid and must be punished..... shit.... more people........I am a serious Olympic grad marathon runner that LIKES chafe that's why I wear my shorts like underpants in the middle, I hope it bleeds.... ouch... it might.....but these shorts look really cute standing still.....once again you will pay now get your ass up that hill....okay maybe i will try to pick it a little....dear god what have I done....excuse me miss you seem to have started your cycle, why no sir that's just my inner thighs bleeding because I dressed like a horse's ass....running shorts are for dudes....and women that weren't almost 3dubs at one point....this run is what I would call a low point in training...thank god this is the woods....I wonder if my ass looks as congested as the front....this is really turning uncomfortable up a notch....thank goodness I am done now... wow my inner thighs are so warm now I could hatch an egg....note to self running shorts are now mandas standing around shorts....friction is not always fun...... 
....and scene....

onward

Mathew 6:34

    " So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. "Mathew 6:34


Apparently I shouldn't be spazzing out, per biblical order. I am trying to roll with the punches, and I feel have been doing okay with that .
I can only admit my stomach has been starting to bother me but I think its from stress. I pledge to make this summer the summer of unplanned/detool-ed training. It is a goal and a must. Really it is my only time to not freak out about schedules, that just ain't right. This weekend I do a 12 miler. I start rolling right in to the big stuff after next weekend. I know it's a strange way to relax, but I am calmer when exhausted surely.

I got blessings coming out my ears. I don't want to miss a thing.

j u n e 2 4

So since my last blog I have been kinda quiet. Been busy with being sick, got the sexy laryngitis, both kids got it adding to the bonfire of my whining. So I apologize the world kept turning and I forgot to hold on. I got swept up with all this and forgot all about blogging, I get down and out and sometimes don't have anything to say.
During my brief minor discomfort with my family germs a really dear friend of mine passed away. Lately we hadn't seen each other, but kept in touch through social media. In fact the last time I heard her voice was on the phone about six months ago. A little bit on facebook just about everyday though.  She had been disabled for the past few years due to illness. She didn't sound very ill on the phone, in December even though she was, it was shocking to hear she had passed. That morning she had posed a kitten picture on facebook....just like that she was gone. She really was a sweet person, I worked with her in my first attempt to be a working(parttime) mother. She was patient with me, know there was a chunky little 8 month old at home I was spazing over. She loved to listen about stories about my kids, she always listened. Girlfriend was funny too, we were always snickering over something. She had a great laugh, loud and happy. Her favorite funnies- Can I Haz a cheezburger? cat pictures.  She knew all about style . She is the solitary one woman that I know that has owned and worn Dior mascara in electric blue, and don't get me started on purses, she just wrote the book. She would wear a fancy hat just to do it, because it looked good, you don't see that everyday She loved her grand kids. Any chance she got to talk about them she was doing it, and her face would just light up. She loved her work. She loved the residents at work she treated them like family. After I left to go elsewhere she would still message me when one of them died, just to make sure I knew.  I liked her, my friend, and she'll be missed. I don't think she got enough time.She took an interest to my running through facebook. She was around when I signed up for my first race and lost my first few pounds, there from the beginning. When I did get to speak with her on the phone she would ask about it, I never felt like I was pelting her with stories she didn't feel like hearing. She always made me feel so supported. She would tell me to run some for her too while I was at it...... I intend to.
I signed on for Erie last week. For the full distance. For me. But also for her too, she'll be with me. I don't really have super amounts of time of energy for this right now but I am going to make it happen. Life if short, unpredictable, and a gift.
The race is 9-15-13.
Onward.

Winefart Winnings

So this week I was sore and concerned about my legs. I rested like a good girl should.
 Friday I did some lifting and went to a wedding and celebrated right. I was sitting by the cookie table and the bar, both locations were visited more than once. It was obnoxious really knowing I was going to race in the morning. Hubbs asked if I was going for a P. W. a personal worst. I really didn't think it was a great idea to run. This around the table as I get a text from the Kenyan, who is not going to make it at this point. Awful tempting to not go. Leaving the party and getting lost for an extra half an hour of driving made sleeping in instead sound good.
Some how I showed up on time. Tradition converts me to a sucker.
I wasn't registered at all. I managed a shirt in my size, with plenty of time to spare. I was feeling really really gross. Full of wine farts, and wedding cookies, gives a new meaning to 'you are full of it'. Oh I was too. I kept telling myself how stupid I was. I turn on my mp3 player to see my subscription was out on my songs...great.  Go to get in the line for the bathroom there is a line and I have to deal with my space issues...snap decision- I use the mens. It was a single room with a lock, whatever, near emergency conditions call for lack of regard for others unfortunately.  I mention the garbage I ate, so I am sure you can understand the fantastic smell it made. If you eat clean you really don't reek quite so much or get gassy. You eat garbage you smell like you are rotting on the inside, especially if you aren't used to it. I attempt to fan the grumpy cloud away so when I open the door it's not so intense, I fail, miserably. I give myself the shrug and smile and leave the bathroom. 2 men outside the door waiting....I smile and say, um sorry, and make a beeline for the race lineup bus.  I sit here and am still a little giggly. Sorry dude.
I did not warm up. I committed to a bad race. I was going to be injury free and have clean shorts, this wasn't the olympics and I had an achy knee and a bowel like a boa-constrictor, oh well. It was a nice day and I was there, as the gun went off I relaxed into a run down the hill. Somehow I am faster than I thought, I kept talking my self into what was going to happen, I was going to show my self how to ruin a race. My stomach hurt so bad, I had horrible farts. Not just smelly, no I don't smell myself when I run gassy, but horrible by terroristic farting, just mortified I may have to turn right at the bottom of the hill and run home because I pooped. I managed to make it, and probably defend my space nobody passed me, I probably gassed them to death or at least stunned them. I don't know why I accept a glass of wine when it's given to me, it never changes, I get whine farts. Whiskey or Beer wine is prohibited. My knee wasn't bothering me at all but I was "taking it easy". I was enjoying myself and I guess I just kept plugging. At some point I started to feel okay and it became fun. I finished 28:55. Historically 3 seconds slower than last year's derby. Not too shabby for a self promised bad race. I got my first age group first place. A real first place medal. My fourth Derby. WHAT. Yes really.  I was by myself so I did my inward celebratory dance.

Today I am feeling good in the knee, not bad, and thankful!   Above a makeup free sweaty smirk...


onward

Preparing to age

Welp. 33 cometh. Well not quite yet, it's like next week or something.... thursday to be exact. Lately it's been CRAYCRAY with my schedule. Since I have blogged last I have done a lot, for me at least. It seems like everyday it's crammed with crap to do until I hit the pillow. Errands out the yingyang, but also fun stuff too!

I went to a concert on a Tuesday night with my BFF. It was a birthday gift from hubs. When we decided we were going to the concert around Christmas time we were concentrating on the tickets, just obtaining them, we didn't realize it was a work night/school night. The concert itself was as awesome as I thought it would be, Fall Out Boy. I did, however, notice one thing. A large population of children attending, or at least to me what looks like children. Pssst.....I might be an "old Chick". What's good about being in my thirties as opposed to my 20's is: 1. I have more money. I was poor when I was that young, and 2. I don't give a rats ass what people think about me in that situation. I wear what I want, I dance when I want to, I am not afraid of having a good time. I don't have time for all that appearance scene, like me or don't, no skin off my nose. I must have been a little cranky by the time it was over and we were going home, I cussed out some guy in the parking lot, for disregarding my Vdubs. But, a great time was had by all. But it did make for some extra fatigue last week. Above is a picture. It was hoot. Thanks Hubbs!

Then on the weekend we went camping, a busy time for me, packing, going there, setting up, tearing down, getting home.... We had a great time though. Just being us Finks. It's so worth all the hassle to see their little smiles. I ended up not bringing my running shoes because I felt a little protest in my knee the day before we left and decided it was smarter to just rest. With no sports bra and no sneaks I would have to rest....a likely story until you try and "walk" skippy. I had a pair of old crapster sneaks that were smashed down on all fronts I used to run in. That darn dog has gravitational pull. It was only 20 minutes and I didn't hurt during but the same spot has been hurting me/complaining since.  Here's a picture of me the boys and Skippy dog.

I am still a little tired. Not sure if I am coming down with something or if I just need to sleep a lot more I got a little bit of clicky knee this week too. It could just be a flukey thing, sometimes I end up getting sick when this happens or I end up needing a rest. Not really sure wear that leaves Saturday, it's the  Darlington Derby, and it's my favorite race. I plan to go, but I don't plan to run until then, plans change..hopefully I rest up and it's a memory. I did get out the foam roller, I didn't miss that little torture device at all, but it's a necessary evil. And that perfume I have been wearing....that's Tiger Balm.
It's kinda funny I am not at all worried about 33. I told my friend recently, I am better in my thirties than I have ever been, I am just mad at myself for waiting so long to actually LIVE my life.
Tired? I can take it. :)

Onward.

dreaming big.

So... you all know I have been one pound from my goal weight. Well I am not now. I am 160lbs. I gained. SOOOOO close, and I messed it up. Really I know I did it probably subconciously on purpose with a few extenuating circumstances: a marathon taper and mother natures wrath didn't help.  I force myself to be honest. For the longest time I couldn't find a reason to continue working at something hitting this goal, and keeping this blog. I have been zero-ing in on actually closing this blog to future posts because it didn't make sense to continue. In the meantime I have accepted all of this and backtracked a few ticks.

This will all be okay, I have a plan.

I am first going to bail out the extra poundage from the ship. Second I am going to accept reaching the goal when I reach it. Third I am going to start a new challenge. The new challenge...I am going to run an Ultra. I am looking at at 50k. A long time ago this seemed crazy, now I see this is something to shoot for. The race I have in mind takes place in March pretty close to home, that will give me plenty of time to train, get stronger, and possibly a little smaller(not too much). I think this is the umph I was looking for recently. Just searching for something to really commit to. I haven't worked out all the training yet, but basically it involves a full marathon distance in the training plan at least one run. This is all going to be winter distances too! CHALLENGE! Game on.

I am not closing my blog either, the thought of that bummed me out. Now I have a new reason to share, am an aspiring ultra runner there is going to be new things to learn and plenty of stories to write.

Onward.

Pitt half 5-5-13

The 'big city' was good to me. Overall finish time 2:24:33.
I got there in the city at 5am. Ended up finding my corral pretty early and some unholy portajohns that were useful. It was cold and the giant herd of people and I were all shivering. There was a DJ and music in the air very party like atmosphere. He tried to get us to do the macarena but no one could remember how to do it close proximity to me anyway.Not a surprise.

By the time the gun went off and it was our turn to get across the start it had been 20minutes. As I crossed the start line I must have pushed the wrong button on my garmin and it did not start taking time. I tried frantically while I started to run to fix it but then soon realized if I didn't pay attention I would be stampeded and gave up. At this point my garmin was just an expensive useless piece of jewelry that I could not ditch, I tried to move on and forget it. When they say there is a time clock and a mile marker every mile, they mean it but you don't see them. It really is confusing a huge stampede.

By mile 6 my bladder was starting to give out. I had to pee so badly I started seeing words flash around my head like:  bladder rupture, uremia, visibly peed pants, stinky runner, mandypeepants. I saw portapottys, and when I stopped then I noticed the 10 people deep line. SHITS. I had to wait, I couldn't make it any further. I tried to be a good sport but I was busting my balls for time and now I have to wait. I literally untied my skapris while waiting in line with other people so I could be ready. After I did my deeds it was about 10 minutes total. :( Surprise 1 of the day!

Surprise 2 has to do with the course. I am from Pittsburgh, been in and out of the city my whole life, I have traveled those bridges and areas and I never noticed just how freaking hilly it really was. I mean HILLY. Every one of those awesome bridges represent and uphill and a downhill. You never notice in a car! Also the roads I knew were bad hills were monstrosities at this point. I was not pacing myself. I had no working watch. I wasn't timing my fuels. What planet was I even on????

Suprise 3 The fuel stations. Do you know that they squirt GU on to a toungue depressor and pass it to you that way? UM yeah, me niether until it was too late!!! It occured to me as i ran over the trampled toungue blades, thinking why do all these people need vaseline? DUH.

Suprise 4  the fans. WOW. I felt important. The home stretch was ridiculous. Honestly just thousands of people cheering. I was knee deep in other people but I still felt awesome. I even hammed it up to make up yell louder. I recommend a personalized bib, they know your name!!!So much fun! My superfan, HUBS never saw me once, it was just too crowded!

It was so well organized. I was really shocked to see how quickly in and out it was. Very well orchestrated all around. We were home by 12pm. Sadly by the time we had been home a few hours we heard that a young man of 23 passed away on mile 12. It kinda left the air out of the balloon for us, it went from a buzzy feeling to kind of ominous. As we heard it on the news I reached over and squeezed my boys. My thoughts and prayers are with that young man's family.  It is real that life is short, unscheduled, and sometimes really harsh.

Onward.

expo!!!!

I got my race packet today at the marathon expo! I had so much fun wandering around "shopping" looking at all the great stuff. Also found out about a few fall marathons I may sign up for one of them. I love my race shirt it matches my Vdubbs. I didn't get my hands on the shirt I was searching for but I did order it online. This is it.>

 

I am not exactly thrilled I didn't go for the big 26.2 but there are advantages to doing the half distance in the city, namely if I get lost or have walk a long way I won't be delirious or need carried. I am kinda sad because I want to run with 'full' kids. But, again, big city very nervous clausterphobic freakshow, probably good to just be doing half my potential.

I am going for a PR(personal record) tomorrow. I am also singed up for the Athena challenge. Women over 150 lbs weigh in and compete for their event. I am working on being the BIG fast. :D It cracks me up that the cut off is 5 lbs less than my goal weight! Look for me to post those standings when they become available, I am going to kick the shit out of that!

I have nothing packed for tomorrow yet. My house is still not clean either. So  I guess that's what I shall be doing shortly. It's up a 3a, to the city!

Lets RUN baby.
Onward. 

Am I a runner of steel?

7 days until the Pittsburgh half. I am blessed this year to be injury free, I have no excuse but to get my bum 50 thousand deep in crowd of runners and do it. I am a little bit clausterphobic so it should be interesting to keep pace in a herd. I really want to get to run the streets of the city though, especially the bridges just trying to focus on the 'once in a lifetime-ness' of it all. It's my first half marathon. (teeheehee)

I am all trained up as of today. My last long run was 6.4 miles today and it was really hard to stop. I admit to over training for this half marathon. The distance is 13.1, I have run 13 miles 3 times in the last month and a half. I really have to find another way to burn off stress. Today was one of the most perfect days for a run, it was slightly chilly and it started lightly raining, my favorite. I could have kept on forever. But I was good and I stopped when I was supposed to.

I am so busy these days I haven't had a lot of time to do much of anything, including blogging. This week we are juggling everything we usually do plus other insanely complex crap, we just threw a party yesterday I am pooped, I guess it's ok being in the taper now because I need to rest.  I just think of my life when I just did smaller workouts and the free time I could be having and it makes not being a marathoner look a little more attractive. Then I go and mutter out loud to someone yesterday I was going to run the full in Erie again this year. Yeah I think blew a fuse or something. I am pretty sure I am going to end up doing it, but I am still not signed up. After the marathon I may take a few weeks and just think about it. It's probably not a good idea, again, I probably will anyway.

T minus 7 days and counting.....I am still not at 155. I got on yesterday and it said 155, then error then 158. I didn't weigh in today that ticked me right off!  Also fun fact this blog is now currently 10121 views!!! Thank you my followers, you make me feel loved and supported.

Onward.

What am I going to do?

To bring everyone up to speed my goal weight, given to me by a dietician after taking in my height and weight history, was determined years ago at 155. I have been looming about 10 pounds away for about 6 months. It's been frustrating to say the very least. Saturday morning I hit 156. I have been eating all day long for the last week, and allowing myself what ever I wanted after being sick. It's been nice to actually be hungry, so you can imagine my shock to see that scale.
This brings me to this blog I am pretty darn close. This has been 4 years almost, why now? I don't know how I will process all of this. I mean I KNEW I could run a marathon and finish, but I really still don't KNOW I will make my goal wieght. The scale has always been  my mortal enemy.(and it's ugly cousin the mirror)
I don't think I am ready for this. I am a grown woman of 32 years, a wife of 10 years, a mother of 2, a college graduate, marathon runner, but I am afraid of my scale. I kill spiders when there is no man around, I am fearless! But, I admit, I am scared.
 I don't know ........what I will do.

Getting lost!

I finally feel better. This morning I had planned to run a 10 miler to get myself back in the running for my half marathon. (Yesterday was so busy I didn't come home from 930 am until 9 pm at night. ) There was one little snag, the Maple Syrup Festival has clogged up my running route with dangerous traffic of maple syrup revelers, so I opted to run in my neighborhood. My hood is hilly and the roads not the best graded, it's not bad for short runs for long runs it's complicated, high traffic and hilly. I ran my first 5 miles in a loop to town and back, I stopped at home and refilled my bottles on my belt. I didn't add any extra gu, because according to my recent fueling habits I would have only needed on more to finish 5 more miles, and I had another 20 ounces on my belt of liquid - no biggie.
 I said to my hubbs at halfway, I think I am going to turn left onto shenango and just see where it takes me. He said to me "There is really no side of the road there, be careful". I tell him I am fine, I have my trail shoes on so I can run in the grass if I have to. So off I go back to the road and I hung a left like I planned to. I got so far and I realized hubbs was right. This was a horrible windy mountain type road and I was running down it and I was praying that I wouldn't get hit as I descended to the bottom, it was a rock wall on the one side and a steep cliff with a puny guard rail on the other. At some point I realized this is about 1 mile straight down and I think it would be in my best interest to turn back, but the safety quality of this road, with super poor pedestrian visibility I decided I should keep going and see how the road turns out. I am not super familiar with these back roads, I haven't lived here long, hubbs grew up here but I didn't, in my ignorance I neglected to listen to him. So when I started passing horses and got in long stretches of super uphill country I started to freak out. I stretched out my water so I would be sure not to run out. I only had one more GU, and civilization seemed pretty far away. I look at the Garmin. I am 7 miles in, I remind myself I am fine, It will be okay. I keep going, wow whatever road that was, it was uphill. I couldn't help but feel really stupid at this point, I took a chance but I was ill prepared, I should have known better I just got over some horrible sickness, and I didn't really have time to eat and drink enough yesterday either so here I am in the middle of nowhere, lost, and I am started to feel sick. Sick meaning crampy and the beginning stages of runners tummy. Cars were whizzing past me, I started talking to myself. I am going to get hit by a car and someone will find my dead with poop in my pants....just great....find a happy place....this really is uphill the whole way.....why isn't there a lemonade stand nearby?....I missed the park big time today.
Finally I came out in civilization, it just happened to be really far from my house, by the local high school actually. I eventually got to where I needed to be and passed up a convenience store, I had money for just that and somehow my dehydrated pea of a brain thought I could muscle through the last 3 miles since I was feeling pretty good at that point. So I made it a mile away from town and the store and started to hate myself for not stopping. I look at my garmin I have now gone 12 miles. I have now started to feel achy in my calves. I have done this before. Last year I decided I didn't need to take my fuel belt and I ended up with runners poops and leg cramps, I knew what was happening. Now I start to think wow you really are stupid, you knew this would happened and you blew it off. I made it another half a mile an I started walking because I had to. The cramps in my calves were so bad I started to worry I wasn't going to be able to walk. If you have ever had the pleasure of waking up in the middle of the night with a charley horse, that is exactly what this was just both legs.
 I start cussing myself out at this point. I am trying to think of brilliant short cuts throught he woods, I decided that was stupid I would just end up with a tick and then no one would find me. By the time I got to the house I was a twisted mess. I downed some coconut waters and  sodium bicarb tabs and hit the icebath for the first time this year. The cramps were so rough I was grunting, but it stopped in about 5 minutes. Today I experienced a first, I atually had to eat while showering. It was a must..
 I feel fine now just tired. I can't believe I was so shocked to find the threshold is still there, you have to play by the rules with distance running and I forgot and I got my ass handed to me. Distance running is great for humbling you. You have to be prepared and you cannot cut corners. Message received, lesson learned. Not bad for my first 'bad run' in a long long time, but I am aware I got lucky and this could have gotten way uglier, I need to find a way to bring a phone with me or somekind of batsignal.
I  need to learn to slow down. I have been doing the freak about being so busy I am starting to let things fling past me. If I would just calm down I wouldn't be acting like such a windowlicker. So my goal right now is to pray. Pray for calm. Pray for grace. Pray to settle down. It's not all a race, tomorrow will take care of itself. I am trying for peace now. I predicted I would be a freak in January, I am trying not to be, but I am feeling spaziod. 13 miles done today, only planned for 10.

As my cloud lifts.

It happens to be Easter. I happen to be in my house 5 feet from a toilet, alone. Bummer I know. The family is out doing family gatherings and I am trying not to poop myself.  I have been soooooooooo sick. I really didn't understand what was happening at all either until it was on top of me. I had missed my training last weekend and I have this weekend too. I haven't done much of anything. I had a soul crunching headache, which is obviously dissipating because the light from the screen has not blown my head off. This will make my 4th straight day in bed, if you count Thursday right after work. I even had a trip to the E.R. It's making its way out of my body along with the rest of the evils. Unfortunate it's going to leave the way most things leave the body, southern exit. 
Trying not to soil myself at this point while watching snl reruns, Gibbs brothers talk show skit in particular. Trying to to think too much about the looming marathon in 1 month I have missed 2 weeks of workouts for.  Or that Soccer is starting and I have no idea when my kids practice is. Or that we need a washing machine which the multiple illnessi in our family has delayed purchasing, or my baby turning 4 Wednesday with all his unwrapped presents in the back of my car. or ....orr....or.... Nope scratch that right now, just doing clenched giggling. Thanking god my head feels better.
fyi, when your washing machine breaks NEVER say great just our luck now someones going to get the flu. It will will it. It's science.
Happy Easter Friends.

James 4.10

Reading the past posts! As I go back and randomly view my posts I am really surprised to remember the stuff I posted!   It's kinda like bringing a junior high year book photo out and thinking oh wow look at what a dork I was! I'm still a crazy girl but even I am surprised by my somewhat psychotic rants. I have covered pretty much everything from peeing my pants, vomiting, pooping in all places, mucous, and whined about everything. I read it and think wow that girl is weird, oh yeah that's me!
 
It's the 2 year anniversary today of the infamous paper article. It was something that made me change as a person. I admit at first I wasn't super happy I did that,  but it has opened up so many doors in my life. I learned there is freedom in being honest, even if you have to be honest with the entire world in a diary to stay that way. It has set me free. I maybe a simpleton that has no filter but you can be sure it's the real deal and I will tell you when I am f.o.s.  Am I embarrassed I was in the paper? Sometimes. Would I change it now? Never ever.  James 4:10.

In true anniversary spirit hubbs and I have gone to the spread sheet for a total progress.( It has been one year and one week since my last measurement)
This weeks lowest weight 159
Total pounds lost  139 lbs
Total inches lost 112.25 inches

Above photo April 2, 2009, day before we got Jude. Yes I know I was pregnant, but we know I could have been the size of 2 full term women, they don't make maternity clothing in that size. Heaviest weight up top. Down below current lowest. I continue to try for my goal.

onward.

BEAVER FALLS!

Oh lately I just really need a helmet so I don't hurt myself.

Just as I sit here my obese wiener dog was whining to get up on the bed(she's too fat to jump) and I yelled "BEAVER FALLS!" because I was addressing my sons' birthday invites at the same time. Her name is squeaker. I was trying to yell "shut up squeaker" in the most loving way possible.


I went shopping Saturday with my Sunroof open for and I kept thinking wow why is it so bright?, oh yeah the sun....brilliant.  I was wearing my ripped jeans, got them caught on my car and reallllly ripped them. :( I am sewing those they are my favorites! I actually yelled for all to hear POOPBALLS>! Whatevers!   

It seems like every time I get to the grocery store I completely forget how to cook. I give up and leave before I have everything because I just don't give a crap anymore by the time the walmart people start to annoy me. I must have been there 10 minutes this week before I just decided, eh I can't handle this today. What the hell is wrong with people that feel that it is a mad dash on a Sunday at 5pm? Did you really need to elbow check my boob for those crackers?? Or my other favorite kind of people, 'the road blockers' you know they are in the way, you know it, and eventually you sigh and turn around and make a big loop to the other end of the isle because they are reading some meaningful novel on the side of a fruit snacks box. This was the first warm day of the year pretty much and I smelled it in there too, really people they sell soap and deodorant, BUY SOME. Do I think I smell wonderful? No actually I have a quite a manish scent sometimes but I try and shower at least once a weekend. It's enough to make you run for the hills when shopping for food and already feel pretty irritable, when you've already been kinda irritable anyways. Nobody wants armpit pizza, just saying. (wait this blog is supposed to be about my issues...it still is...I have no point, that's about me too.)

This week I think I am running a 10er. I am not extra tired, infact I got up at 4am this morning, like I do (note daylight savings) I felt okay. Okay so maybe not physically tired but my brain has decided that is only going to handle major things lately. I am just going to smile and laugh at myself because that's all I can do.    

Have a lovely week, I know I will. Onward.

I still feel funky.

That I do.
 I feel like never speaking again today.
Why I am I blogging?
 No idea.

I am my own walking contradiction.

Well I said I didn't want to sign up for anything right now. Anyone who has read one or two posts knows I am full of shit. We I haven't signed up for any fall marathon yet so that much is true. But I am training for something now. I signed up for the Pittsburgh half marathon 5-5-13. An opportunity presented itself and I decided to do it. I feel lost right now. Still. My family is adjusting to mom the 9-5er. I think I am too but I just don't feel like me. I may be a little depressed about something, but I have no reason to be really. Things are good just feeling less graceful and a little more rough than usual.  I figure this race training will help that. Maybe kinda like a comfort. Even if I loathe crowded areas, and I didn't really want to do a city race, I think I feel a little better already. It's silly but stuff like this can have the same effect on me, as a toy would to a child. I have a weird passion and few share it with me, on this day I will be with shitloads of them running with me and I will fit right in instead of being an oddball like my normal day to day. I am getting mildly excited.

So little miss not training for anything right now has a huge city half marathon in 9 weeks and is starting to smile at being her own walking contradiction.

Tomorrow is 7 maybe 8 miler. I will remind yinzers this will be my first half marathon....I haven't one accomplished yet, only fulls.

onward!

Eh? Speak up sonny... I can't hear you....

Pictures from monster jam. My ears are still hurting, I wore protection, but they are still a little clogged. The boys had so much fun. I love the cheesy souvenir photo, its fancy isn't it? *winkwink* The joint was full of men, little boys, and few women. Really not my scene but it was so fun to see the kids be so excited. It was LOUD and cold.I spent the whole time hugging myself and sitting on my hands. I thought it would be smart to not take my coat in order to debulk, knowing the little guy would have to be carried out in a wail of fury.(exactly what happened-he didn't want to leave)
I am going on 7 days no running. Going to ninja clean my house today rather than do my knee-jerk reaction to exercise, my ears are still ringing!

in honor of my fellow crazies.

In the winter, unless there is a huge block of ice blocking the door and it's under 12 degrees every Saturday or Sunday I can permitting schedule, children, and health I am going outdoors to run. Understand that just because most people don't do that doesn't mean there isn't the handful of psychos that ENJOY that. That being said we know it's dangerous. We fall on our tenders, we bleed, we have the worlds worst chapped lips, but we still show up.  I am rolling my eyes by the usual response of you're a crazy girl! Also pretty irritated by the lack of attention the motorists in my area. I realize it's not what most do but in order to not break something important you have to run on the side of the road sometimes people scare the crap out of you. I wear reflective crap. I don't wear my tunes. I run opposite of traffic, I stay alert, and usually I run in a place that is a community park, posted speed limit of 25.  I have had to jump into a ditch more than once in my running career. Today was no different, and there was a policeman handing out tickets too. I thank local law enforcement for sitting out Saturday morning in the cold, I feel protected. As for the j-holes that got a ticket today around 9am, I hope it was expensive enough to make you remember you endangered my life and the lives of the others using the park, including a crap-load of boy scouts camping out.
Please observe the speed limit and stay off your phone, you may save a runner, a walker, a cyclist or a child. If you don't then remember Karma waits for you.

I have never been cool

Sometimes you just can't be graceful. I am rarely graceful at all in fact. As I struggle to adjust into my new position as working mom and now full time employee, I am anything but graceful. I am feeling a little out of place. Actually I feel garbage-esc. I mean I had a bad day, things really have actually been busy but going really well, I am en-route to happy routine land.

 I think a positive list would do me some good. An Amanda is good enough smart enough and doggonit people like her list of attributes... get ready for cheesy nerdiness.

Deep thoughts, By Amanda
1. I am a cool mom. I go camping, I am going to a monster truck show, I carry a matchbox car in every purse and or coat of mine, I think fart jokes are okay and welcome in appropriate company, me and hubbs do a mean beat box version of ChicaChica Boom Boom at bedtime too.
2. I am a scrappy old gal. I do not easily give up. I get knocked down, I get emotional, I whine, but I will not go away.
3. I am hilarious.
4. I try to dance to my own beat. Sometimes I get a little lonely out in left field but I love being original.
5. I am a fantastic friend, good chance I have been praying for you.
6. 23-25% body fat and dropping. yeah. working on it just like brushing my teeth its routine for health.
7. I can run circles around you. Really I get up a 4 every other day I get up at 5. If I am not working out i get up at 5 and  I still pack 4 lunches, dress 3 people and commute 2 kids to 2 different places, and myself to work and then I do it again afterward and I still cook and we rarely eat out. I fall asleep right after the kids usually.
8. I have marathon in the blood. I don't like to flash my crazy to everyone now, but if anyone can see passion in that, then you understand.
9. I would do anything for my kids. ANYTHING.
10. I am ridiculous, this is hard to make a nice list and not insult myself on each line too. I can't take a compliment.
11. I blog when I feel like a dork. like right now, why I think it is some sort of magic crap storm umbrella I will never know. Oddly enough I go back and read and I still think I am a dork....
12. I have never met ice cream I didn't like.
13. I can sing. I really haven't in public for years. But I can, some how I got shy. I have always liked musicals, it's not easy to duplicate any excitement relayed through real live people lifting their voices together.
14. I worry about everything. Even if I am wearing my clothes in proper rotation. The older I get the more of the freak I do.
15. I am a tomboy. Really don't like frou frou things and lacey crap. I will wear pink but don't think for a second I picked it out, or that when I first moved in with girl roomates in college I new how to curl my eyelashes or what an eyelash curler was. Daughter of a beautician....I know see #10.
16. I am a fantastic dancer. 2 step? no. square dance? hello-no. I mean club dancing, it's no talent really but I got moves.
17. I can do oragami. Only a crane, but I am really stinking good at them.
18. I can't hold my liquor. 2 drinks, and the tank is full.
19. I wanted to be Mary Lou Retton when I was 7, until I fell on the balance beam and caught myself with my crotch.
20. I actually like myself for the first time really ever. Maybe not today especially after the series of events that have played out, but I am happy, I like who I am, and I am in a good spot right now.

okay maybe that ought a do it, tomorrows a new day, the good thing is we all wake up and get to start over. Here's to tomorrow, lets make it a good one, better than today!!!

Happy Groundhog day!!!!

So you are looking at last saturday morning. I couldn't wait until it warmed up later, it had just snowed and it was 20 degrees maybe. It was beautiful I was all alone at the track, I adore running in the snow, this was like a sand consistency it was hard to keep steady and I kicked both of my inner ankles with the opposite foot. Righty doesn't look too bad now, but Lefty is still turning all sorts of pretty colors,(this is a seven day later picture). I am still running on them, they don't hurt just when i brush over them with my hands. Glad there is no reason for shorts or dresses right now my ankles are oogly.
Hows it going? Still narrowing down a marathon to sign up for. Considering a harder, hilly one that has a 6 hour limit... not sure either that or a small city, still mulling it over. Work is going well, I love it there. Home is kinda overwhelming though. I have to say I am praying for grace to get used to the new routine, its coming its not there yet. Right now I just kinda feel like really weird, not good not bad, just kinda there. I signed the kids up for a new daycare this week, that was emotionally difficult for me because I was worried about the effect of more change on them, turns out I'm the one with the problem. Since when did my kids get so damn resilient? Go figure. 

My youngest's fav jam:  Wobble, by V.I.C. ( that's good parenting there!)

The last sippy cup.

I have been holding in some serious emotions lately, I have some free time today and I am about to spew it all over the keyboard. Stand down people. Not a mush fan click away from this one.

I start a new full time job Tuesday. I am going to work in an office. I am really excited about the position actually finally something I really want to do. For the last 6 years every job I have selected has been child/mommy minded and not really completely my professional choice. This opportunity has presented itself, pretty much found me, and I have no choice but to accept. This means I have grown as a person and a mother. Even last year at this time this would have been unspeakable. It's been creeping up on its own. I have been bored. (ouch that's hard for me to admit because that means I wasn't the perfect mom or donna reed-ish housewife- wince through the teeth). If you read back though, last year at this time I got a puppy, um can you say bored an glutton for punishment? Thats a third dog, even I knew I needed something else. I let it stew for a long time but I have been ready to go back to work and really throw myself in, but I was totally unable to explain it to myself.

This year I sent my first to kindergarten and my second and last to daycare. This week the second has started fulltime at daycare. It's not going too super at this point. This morning was dramatic, I cried on the way home. I am not working today, but I am trying to get him used to this. Naturally I am a mess and I feel guilt. He needs to adjust to this just as I will too. I got home and started my crazy cleaning as I do on the rare instances that I am home alone with myself. I was doing the dishes and noticed way back in my cupboard something blue. I reached my whole arm back on my tip toes and pulled out a first stage sippy cup. The tiny kind with 2 handles. It was Judes. We don't use those anymore. The boys sit at the table and drink from a cup now, I thought I pitched them all. I picked it up and cried, hard. Not a good day to find this thing and then place it in the garbage. I looked at the calendar, I don't have any extra hormones.... in case you are wondering....hubbs.... I just really love them. The last few years have been an honor to be their mom, and as the path winds around the bend and turns up hill I know I am still being their mom and it has just gotten slightly more difficult temporarily.

The good thing about up hills, they make you feel alive at the top.
Through the next few weeks I resolve to smile and not wallow too much. It's time for this. But today I pitched the last of the last sippy cups and I am feeling it.