Tonight. At the gym. After a plain old boring ass day. Work- typicalness, kids- up to the usual cuteness, dinner- spaghetti night, gym after kids bedtime- obligatory pms I am uglychunk set of run and weights. I really have been feeling just okay. Getting in my rut, training is going just as it should, other than a few minor physical hurdles it's been routine, I have been in blinder mode. I let myself goof around tonight and sing while I ran on the treadmill because I would rather be outside dodging bugs and sunshine than in the gym near the weights that I hate to do. But if I do legs and abs once a week, I consider that runners injury insurance so I do it. Ramble on...ramble... I made it fun, considering the every 3 step tug at my drawls, capris growing to pants...always something to do to make the treadmill less boring. I call it -keep your pants on and up and don't let anyone notice.
Looking around, on the treadmill, yanking my pants up I see a new face come in the door. It's a guy, a big guy. He's wearing a work uniform and he goes into the dressing room. He comes out dressed to work out and I pay attention. He's new. He's being shown around the machines. He's also really obese. I watch as he goes through the machines and does reps. I find myself really impressed. He's serious about this, my heart grows for this guy. I want to run over and throw my arms around him for just coming in the door, and watching him struggle brought back so much for me. I kept about my business but I watched him out of the corner of my eye. I had been working out for about an hour, and he's still here working hard, I smile at him- probably too big.... be cool manda....don't scare him.... I fight the urge to introduce myself. He's kicking ass, in my opinion at this time, he should be close to done but he's still fighting. I started to get electric memory flashes of the beginning of my battle, trying to run on the side of the road, people yelling rude things at me. This battle is one I still fight. STILL. (damn the last 5)I always felt alone at the gym. ALWAYS. I walked over. I introduced myself. I asked if he started tonight, he tells me this is his fourth night, I congratulate him, tell him I am proud of him, and hit a fist pound. I felt stupid, but he deserves the encouragement. I struggled to get in that gym door for a long time before I got up the nerve to walk through it. I kindly nod him out the door and stare off, a back of someones shirt said "We came here to conquer", yes dude we sure the hell did. Anytime you need a friend at the gym, I am it, I respect your journey and I thank you for reminding me of mine.
For many reasons I let myself go a long time ago, it's the past, but it's still resonating. I remember feeling so scared to try, but like I had nothing to loose. It was hard to see myself as everyone else did, but once I accepted that no lie I told about my weight would protect me from what others could see or make me like myself, I chose honesty and it changed my life. Tonight I watched someone embracing the same and I have to tell you I am still inspired.
So here's to big dreams. Never Give UP.
Onward.
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