I give up.

So I ate dinner tonight. I am tired of feeling like shit. Which I have been this week. Ever since I did the 7 miles I felt build ups of lactic acid all over my body. I have been flushing all I can with water. Monday was rough, Tuesday I worked out not feeling it, today absolutely painful. And I gained 2 lbs back. Seriously I am done. You know I am open to suggestions at this point. I need to loose 43 more pounds. Besides actually chopping of flesh I am at a loss. So I am going back to the diet the dietican gave me, that I have been stalled on forever, and I am just going to roll with it. I love exercising, I would rather feel good doing it, and finish with a smile.
I am usually all smack talk and jokes, I don't have any today. I am discouraged and pissed off. I am just going to be a runner and if I look like this than that's what I look like. I am happy with my abilities, really I am proud of that. I am not going for hot stuff. Just healthy stuff. I want to be the number I should be once. I am a firm believer if you practice, persist, and be patient you can achieve anything. I just really am not feeling it today. I think feeling awful helps, no more hungry bitchy manda. I can do this, I am just going to have to think of something else. Its hard to do hang yourself out there alone. I really do feel alone sometimes, I am not fat anymore, but I am not fit looking, and I am not thin. So putting in laps I am strange as a runner, I am not a tooth pick. And at the gym I am always the biggest girl my age. Its lonely. Most days Its cool and I can stay positive, but today I feel like I failed. 30 days of my life was too much to ask i guess. I said myself, I only have 20 mins of daily calories....i screwed up with my hour workouts, now I am hurting and I need a massage. And I missed out on some awesome food I cooked and never ate. I am not sure where to go from here. I just hope i can forgive myself and dust off tomorrow and get moving!
Song: Ben Folds, Landed