So yesterday I ran my last double digit training run. A mere 10 miler, it was quite the nasty humid run. I confess to loving it though. The rest of the day I kind of dragged my butt around. Kind of like my brain pulling my fatness around in a rickshaw.
I am in a crunchy mood this weekend. I have several theories as to why that it may be, none I'm sharing but if I was a cartoon there would be little sizzle marks above my head. Somethings bothering me. Probably the taper madness
Something happens when you start to taper down your mileage.
1. you feel fat. I feel enormus, flabby disgusting and hungry. It's complicated. I didn't think by now I would still be staring down my goal wieght I thought I would have it by now. I wanted to put freaking miracle on my chest again but because I thought there was a big difference, I wanted everyone there if they were there last year to recognize me and see I kept going. Silly I know but it kept me going. Now I am starting to doubt i look much different or even good at all. I feel yucky. Not a freaking much of change so lets just run and forget everything i guess? I have confided in Hubbs, he thinks this is silly and has tried to tell me otherwise....doubt is a side effect of feeling fat.
2. everything annoys you. It does I think my house is super disorganized and needs to be scrubbed everywhere. It does, I have been cleaning and organizing but it's becoming a thing that is affecting my comfort at home. It's imperfect everywhere it must be set right or else.
3. you get emotional. I am, probably because endorphin withdrawl, or the fact the dreaded first day of kindergarten is tomorrow. or because I am old or something. I am secretly bummed trainings almost over. And the other end I am sort of happy too.
4. you turn off all future plans post race. I have not considered anything after the race yet I am trying to figure out things and it all seems like it may never happen. I have set a clock all to September 16th and up till then I know what I have to do, after that I'm screwed. I think I have a 12 hour work day after the race. You do silly things in your head and say, yeah if I make it with both legs home....
5. you are tired. I am more tired than I have been all summer. Since the 22miler I don't just drink coffee I exist with it. If you find me anywhere look in my left hand, see it's a coffee cup. I had one at walmart grocery shopping this morning, just like a child has a sippy cup. It's not froufrou either it's straight up black coffee. At 4 pm it's cold from the pot from the morning. I know it's nasty and necessary.
6. You start shopping like gu and shoes will never be available anywhere. this is self explanatory.
7. you get stoopid. explain things slowly to me. don't mind my grammar or typing. I am tired. I am really emotionally and mentally preoccupied. I am not crying or eating right now, give me a free pass okay? Not to mention I am working a fairly new job that requires most of the brain. I do stupid crap like forget to bring money to daycare, or leave my lights on my car, turn in forms unsigned. I forget birthdays. I am just really sqeaking by on what is left of the seat of my pants.
8. with 13 days to go you start to get obsessed with what if's. what if it rains, what if it snows, what if i poop my pants... what if presque isle breaks off and floats away.
9. you become sensitive. don't criticize me, don't yell near me, i am tired, annoyed fat and stoopid I will probably cry.
10. It's hard to act natural. I just want to pretend sometimes I am not a running fool in order to take a little panicking break and then someone brings it up. I am excited but I am stressing. I haven't been bringing it up around people that don't know about it. And the interesting thing when you get caught with a little teasing about it. You really want to make fun of someone this dedicated? whatever.
11. you get by with a little help from your friends. I went to church by myself saturday night, and I had communion. I am glad I had a chance to get it before the race. It seems silly but this is some serious shit. I know that. I know god is with me all the time. But it makes a difference to me. I feel renewed and ready now. Please keep me in your prayers, I know I can go the distance but you really do so much better with you friends holding you up.
12. you strangle yourself to not do math. I promised myself I wouldn't calculate my pace and give myself an expected finish time. It creates panic. I am not pacing myself. I don't really even want my garmin with me. I will take my garmin but I will NOT do the math. I worked too hard to ignore it. I really want too see the difference in time this year but I am wanting to settle in and really enjoy the race, and make that time a sweeter finish line. The only spoiler alert I will give is that it will be better than 5:58:50 this year.
Race is 13 days from today and I am already ansty as hell. Please be kind to me I am just trying to clip clop on by until it's time to line up Sunday morning 9-16-12.
Alex Clare, Too Close
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