Soul search

Well. I have been thinking hard about the possiblity of life changing surgery. I want a tummy tuck to get rid of my disgusting stomach. I have gone as far as to see the surgeon and see what my insurance company is willing to do for me. I have been over the risks and benefits. Why reasons are answered, it all sounds wonderful to me, except the but. Yes in every conversation there is always an IF, AND, or BUT. I have a but. (no pun indended).
I was proud that the surgeon thought I did enough hard work to get the procedure, BUT, I don't feel like I have done enough. Yeah I know obviously I made all of this happen because I thought all of this was a good idea. I still do think it is a good idea. But, I don't think I have earned it yet. I do believe her when she says I won't loose it on my own and my skin will never return to its natural pre-children state, and she is preaching to the choir telling me heredity is not my friend. Yes yes all of that I get and agree with. As I get closer to the process I have examined my workouts and my lifestyle once more. Compaired to any sedentary housewife I am amazing, and I am really healthy. Once a playdate mom opened my fridge and said "oh my god you guys are so healthy". We don't drink soda, we don't ever buy chips, I try to cook very healthy, I don't buy butter we don't even have any.
The gods honest truth is though I am not doing enough. I could be doing more. Ever since my running has picked up I have let myself have more than I should. I stopped measuring my food and writing it all down. On nights I liked what we were having for dinner I ate more than I should, and I would make up for it with running. I let it all get very comfortable. For maintaining that's just dandy but I am not supposed to be maintaining I am supposed to be loosing. Remember still very overweight. That's the eating side of it all. The exercise side of it has begun to slip too. I am comfy running. Its easy when I'm not hurt. I let my pace fall off the deep end. I went from a tempo 9/m to 13:30/m during the marathon. Sure I did a marathon, and I allowed myself all of the calories I burned. That is why my friends I gained 10lbs this summer. Honesty is painful I was at 214 the week before the race.
I am this morning, honestly 203.8. I have had 3 workouts this week. And I have decided to quit dicking around and start back down the old Tough Road. (cheese) If you read last year, I got frustrated on my plateau and then just got comfortable and started accepting my wieght. Maybe even hiding behind it, I need to keep going.
When I was in labor with Jude I was ready to push and after I first real push I stopped to take a deep breath. At that moment the nurse said "don't you get scared, come on and push", well she yelled it. I was appalled at her suggestion, although too busy to argue. Next push I rocketed out my little peanut and forgot it temporarily. She was right. I was scared, and hesitating. I share this because I think it applies.
This can't be all there is. I admit I didn't do enough sit ups. In fact I avoided then because they are embarrassing and they don't seem to help, so I didn't do them. I haven't been lifting or taking my self to new limits in anything other than running, and then I was wondering why I wasn't loosing. Distance running eating is right up my alley because I am such an eater, but I need to really buckle down on the less fun stuff at the gym.I have gotten lazy and I only have been doing what feels good, and I haven't gotten anywhere. I can't have this procedure when I can't honestly say I tried.
Challenge part 1: The captin's chair- every time I go to the gym I get on. No matter how I am feeling I must do my time on there. I find it extremely embarassing and difficult. No more avoiding things because they are embarassing and hard.
Challenge part 2: The diary starts today. I have re-started my food journal today. It is all written down if it goes in. I have dug out my dietician papers again, I measured my cereal this morning. Portions are on crack down. When I decided I need to eat less I haven't been doing it right lately, I go from too much to not enough. Its got to be concentrated on if I want to loose, it deserves attention.
Challenge part 3: Everyday. I have left every other day become the norm. If I want to throw the stowaways overboard I have to do something active everyday. Not running, I don't want injured. So I will stick with my run every other day. Then depending on my life will decide other activities. For example I am sick and am now on antibiotics- today I rode the bike and did sit ups. I am jumping in the classes when I can. If I am really feeling bad I will be doing yoga or taking a walk, but I can no longer dedicate a day to rest, I will be squandering my time sitting on my ass or letting my busy schedule run me.
Challenge part 4: Sharing. I will be socially honest. I will be posting wieghts once a week with measurements. There is a reason being naked in public is a nightmare.
The Goal: Get to 155. Honestly If I get to 189 I consider myself I winner, but never has been outlawed. I can make it to 155. I will make it to 155.The reason why I am not there already is because I started to believe my doubt.

Nothing fancy dramatic or crazy, just good old fashioned hard core ass kicking and telling the truth. I don't think I'm going through with this surgery until I get to where I need to be on that scale. I can't just lay on a table and expect this lady to fix my issues. This is the biggest fight of my life and I have to finish it first.