So I have been super freakenfreaked about the marathon. I have been getting into my subscriptions of Runners World and Women's Running. I have been devouring books, missing sleep, I mean really freaked. Today that came to a head if you will. I got out to the track after horfing down a bagel at lunchtime, its 42 and raining with sideways wind. I get down there and its cold. My fear of injury from all the crap I have been reading me has me super honed to my left knee cause it swelled a little after my tempo run monday. I have been obessing in my head since then. I trotted about 2.7 miles and my stinking mp3 player broke. Probably from being wet. Then my asthma and my belly started at the same time. I turned around headed for the truck. Nothing, nada hurt on me. I was just tired, and nervous and not at all having fun. So I went home. The whole drive I kept telling myself to turn around dumbass! What is wrong with you? Marathon=discipline. Guess what I just needed a break. I took it. I was worried about my baby, he's sick. My older boy wasn't feeling to great attitude wise either. My mom came over to watch the kids with a headache because she vowed to help. All of that on my back plus nerves, fear of the unknown, and an impending puke cause me to give up for the day. I went home I cried in my ice bath to my mom appologizing for myself. Yep I said ice bath for 27min run. It actually is feeling pretty good to me. Maybe if I torture myself with the IB I will be paid in full for more injury free time...Whatever. today sucks. this week has sucked too, not a lot of sleep with a crying kid in the house. That stuff matters more.
I went home an finished Marathoning for Mortals, I am following their plan. I think I need some more books to read. I am consumed with this image from those magazines of skinny runners. I will never be that. I wouldn't mind, but I am what I am. I looked on the computer for some kind of kindred support. That and the training book I just read askes you to consider walk/running in stead of running if you are 20-40 overwieght. Type in fat marathoner, chubby marathoner, plus size marathoner you'll come up with not much. Infact besides the Clydesdale/Filly site there is NADA. That kinda makes me want to do this even more. It makes my fur stand up a little on my back! Is this going to kill me or are big fit people just swept under the carpet? I know there has to be someone who is 5'5 and 198 pounds doing this! If there isn't then here I go damn it, watch me work. I'll still read my mags but I don't think I'll be happy till I have my own article! I looked all over those books, no meaty anybody, no biggins. Really? Lots of feelings today. Deep penisve stuff that messed with my head. It goes out the window, and it becomes another "mile" in the log.
Song: Creep, by Radiohead
then play: Mama said Knock you out, LL Cool J
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