am I to morn my ass?

I saw an article yesterday while me and the kids were outside playing about body dysmorphic disorder. Apparently I have it and always have. No matter what I look like it will never be right. They go on to describe extreme weight loss as traumatic. I wouldn't go that far to say this, but it is possible. I mean it really messes you up no being able to wear anything with a waist band in it, and you must go out in public in pretty much pajamas. And yeah it was hard to wear my husbands 2x tee shirt and have it ride up as I sat and my gut would hang out until I adjusted, so yeah I get their point. This article goes on to say that I need to grieve my fat as I would any other loss. Well I guess I will have to put that on my list of things to do. But at this point I guess that's been on the back burner because its not over yet. I still have weight to loose. I just was under the impression that if lost all the weight I could just be happy. This article warns otherwise. I am at risk for goofy behavior, mmmm like um training for a marathon? lol. No I think not. I will look out for this but I guess I need to boohoo for 70+inches of me that are no more. I know I haven't posted exact numbers yet. I will. I know I haven't put up any before pictures, and that I promise also. I just am not ready yet.
I can remember lots of times I cried because nothing fit me. I can remember wanting to do something about it but not being able to because of fear. My husband tried so hard to be supportive, I kept up the wall. At this point I am considering just wiping this whole blog entry and forgetting it, but maybe I should keep going. This is harder than I thought. I like to focus on the joy of things, and sometimes remembering when I could only be happy about other things that had nothing to do with me takes me to an uncomfortable spot. I felt like everyone was starting at me. I felt worthless as anything else other than a mom. I needed help and thank god I eventually asked for it.
The battle is still on. I recently ran a 5k and looked at the race picture and wanted to never eat again. I DO hate the way I look. I am happy with no mirrors in front of me.I love to run because I am underdog, I am slow looking. I want to run the marathon this way too. I contemplated the tummy tuck but if I do it, it will be after I do my MFT. Because I want to carry this sad sack all the way there. Its what keeps me going to think I can bring my ass back from the cliff to hell and cross the finish line, stretchmarks and sagging skin and all. I want to finish in front of my boys, and teach them they can do the same, and that they can be what ever they want to be.There is no limit if you try with all your heart.
I guess this is all a process and I plan to work on that. I will be sorting through my heavy pics soon and the spreadsheet ryan helped me keep tract of my measurements. I plan to share as part of moving on soon.

Stranded, Van Morrison